I feel I will never ever be understood.
My feelings and how I am is never validated by anyone.
Earlier on I spent hours on the floor in a ball crying my heart out pleading with God to help me. Battling suicidal thoughts. Trying not to harm myself by reminding myself how much I regret it afterwards.
But because apparently my life is so 'easy' that I don't have a right to feel that way. That is the thing that gets me more than anything.
My life is a daily STRUGGLE. A struggle to get out of bed, to take care of myself, to exist. To stay alive. Every day is a fight. I am constantly hurting. I am constantly in deep emotional pain that affects every moment of my life. How I wish I wasn't and how I wish I was different. How I wish I was stronger. How I wish and plead with God to make it stop. To make me well. To make the pain go away. And I already feel that it is my fault. I punish and punish and punish myself for being this person that I am.
And then on top of that, when I am breaking down I am told that I have no right to feel how I feel. That I have no right to be how I am. That my life is easy.
Nobody cares. Nobody understands.
I hate being so misunderstood. It hurts me so badly.
From my heart, I never ever wish to upset anybody or cause anyone any problems. I never wish to act like a child or spoilt little girl. People think that I am secure and strong and just acting like Im not for attention or in order to manipulate. I'm not. I genuinely can't help it.
Lord please I ask to make me better and stronger person.

Haven't been here in a very long time. Maybe coming on here will help me. It's been a crazy year.
I'm feeling absolutely sh*t.
I am so stressed and so alone.
I need it to all get better. I can't cope.
I haven't been going to University again. For weeks. I've missed all sorts of oppurtunities.
I can see that it's my own behaviour that keeps me lonely and unhappy but I can't help it.
I keep people away from me yet crave and desire meaningful relationships so much.
But I don't trust anyone. Everyone hurts me. I feel as though I've entered a new level of not giving a f*ck this year. But my mood swings are worse than ever. I cannot keep up with myself.
How I wish I was just slightly more normal and able to function in society.
I feel very low lately. And my self esteem is taking a hit too.
And everything my boyfriend does is making me feel rejected. Every thing. He does everything for me and can't do enough for me but he's getting fed up with my constant flipping over something he says or something I just suddenly think of or something small he does. I just can't help it.
He reassures me constantly that he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone and we will be together forever and he'll always be there for me. But I keep perceiving rejection in everything.
I want everything to be ok. I felt stronger before and more in control. Now I feel weak and vulnerable.
I don't know how to control myself. I am very sad. It's Christmas again. Everyone is happy. And I'm just miserable. And pointless. I need to get a grip of this. Please someone send me some love.

Put a tw in this just in case it upsets anybody but I just wanted to say, I've seen a few different stories of lonely/depressed/mentally ill people committing suicide lately and the way they felt is exactly how I feel when I'm at my worst. And they all seem to triggered by loneliness, and not having enough/any support.

What it makes me realise is that, we're all not alone. We may feel it, when you're in that horrible, dark place it feels like you're the only one in the world. I know. I've felt it all too often. I've felt it tonight. But I'm not the only one feeling it.
I know that there are people out there who've felt exactly the same as me tonight. People out there who felt so lonely and desperate and worthless and in pain that they contemplated suicide.
I just wanted to write this to put it out there that, while you're feeling that, it feels like you are the only one but you aren't. It's good to remember that. There are millions feeling the same at this exact moment. I personally find some comfort in that. Even though it's horrible, it just makes you feel you're not alone. Don't give in to that horrible, all consuming darkness.
It's just tricky because people are ashamed to admit they feel that way. I'm one of them. I hide it from the world.
If anyone ever wants to talk to me, please message me. I can't promise I'll have any answers or say the right thing, I'm not always online so I may not always reply straight away. I've just seen too many stories recently that have made me think that I wish I could have talked to that person and made them realise they weren't alone.
You're not alone.

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I'm having a lot of suicidal thoughts right now.
I can't even be bothered to write. I just want to be numb. I don't want to feel. I want to be numb so much. This is torture. No one will ever understand this hell. No one will ever understand how much I suffered. It's just so difficult. I want to sleep to get away from it but I can't, my body just won't let me. Please god let me stop feeling. Just let me be numb. I can't cope with reality.
I want someone to be there for me but no one ever will. What is love?
My existence hurts so much. Every day. Every day it hurts. Every day I try to cope but it's so difficult.
I just do the same things. Trapped in the same patterns. I'm not even like a real person. And no one cares. There is a pack of tablets staring at me. I've already took more than I should.
I just can't cope anymore. I can't be bothered to fight. I can't be bothered to try.

I've been doing bad things again. This world is so corrupt. We all are. It's so twisted and messed up.
More than a lot of people even realise. Feeling lonely. Loneliness is hurting me so much lately I'm finding it extremely hard to bear. And I'm missing my cat that died last year. He was so beautiful and special and like a human. I miss cuddling him. He was so, so special. And so comforting. I truly loved him. Such a pure love. Untouchable. I feel as though day by day the devil is slowly claiming my soul.
And I've given up fighting. I'm just letting it happen. I don't know what happiness or joy or goodness is left for me or for anybody.
Does anybody truly love anyone? Everyone is just out for themselves in this world. For attention, glory, money, POWER. And what for? What's it all worth in the end? I see what it's worth. I want it. I want all the above. Money, power, glory, adoration. But I have nothing else. So why not go after those things and do anything you can to get them?
I'm scared of what this world is becoming, what people are becoming. What I'M becoming. I don't know what's real anymore. I don't know what's right and what's wrong.
I want to go and get help but I don't trust the doctors. They're also corrupt. I know Doctors myself. They're just as twisted as everyone else, some more so. And I also think I know better than they do. I'm more intelligent than some of them. Really. And I know better.
So what's the point in getting help? Am I just delusional? No I'm not. I'm just not brainwashed and naive like the rest of the world.
Nobody should trust anybody. Believe me, the nicest, most successful, most well presented and often most intelligent people are the ones who are the most twisted. And the problem with that is, because they are rich and powerful they can get away with doing anything they want.
The faces people present to the outside world are for show. To fit nicely into society.
Inside people are ###$. Everyone. I'm not just paranoid. I know.