Hello blog,
It's time for an update as I need to just get these thoughts out of me while I'm feeling how I'm currently feeling.
Today I have awakened from my depressive state, and it feels good.
It feels good not to feel depressed anymore however I also feel incredibly irritated.
I have been remembering a lot of horrible stuff that I did not want to think about and it made me incredibly angry. However, I'm feeling much better in myself in general. I no longer feel like I just want to hide away and sleep all day.
Have talked for hours, literally hours, whilst pacing round my living room. Also decided, again, that I'm going to take up a martial art. And have ideas for some art projects.
I go through these kind of phases often and I'm beginning to think that I may actually be bipolar. Specifically bipolar 2.
It seems to make sense. I definitely have major depressive episodes however I also have these episodes where I'm incredibly focused on goals, have lots of ideas, can't stop talking and no longer feel depressed. Energy replaces lethargy. Enthusiasm and motivation replaces that dead, zombie like state. Now, usually when this happens, I don't think anything of it. It's just how I've always been, however, bipolar 2 seems to fit this. I know for sure I must either have major depressive disorder or bipolar 2. And I don't need to be a psychiatrist to say this. It's not hard to see.
I most definitely have experienced many major depressive episodes. Periods of weeks, sometimes months and months, where at the very worst I will not wash, stay in bed and sleep constantly and just feel like a dead zombie who can not go anywhere in public or do basic things like cooking, cleaning, having a shower, washing clothes.
I'll stay in the same clothes for weeks sometimes. Not even realising. It's pretty embarrassing to admit.
Then I will change. I will be ready to achieve my wildest dreams, I will be full of self belief, be very energetic and make LOADS of plans. I have loads of a4 notebooks filled entirely with plans in that I've written over the years. Including life goals and plans to get there, brainstorms for movie ideas, brainstorms for creative projects, poetry, loads of activities I want to do. I rarely get anywhere though. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I'll actually follow through. But mostly I never do. It doesn't last long enough to have a lasting impact on my life as I fall back into depression again and next thing I know weeks and months have gone by again where I've just slept and done absolutely nothing.


I may have experienced full mania without knowing it, however, judging from my past behaviour I'd say what I've experienced when I am 'up' seems to fit much better with hypomania. However, there have been times when I have felt so connected to a divine presence and thought it was my mission to wake up the world. Messaging everyone I know trying to 'wake' them. Writing very long posts on my Facebook.... That I look at now and think... Hmmmm... That just sounds crazy! I even delete them sometimes,weeks or months later when I'm no longer in that mindset as they sound so grandiose and I sound so nuts I find them embarrassing. However, it still doesn't seem like it would be full blown mania. But I don't know enough about mania. And I'm here trying to be all self aware and I know that I am not qualified to diagnose myself.
Even a psychiatrist couldn't diagnose themselves as although they have all the education and knowledge, the illness gets in the way, altering perception etc and no one that is ill can be objective about oneself.

But my perception of full mania is someone who is pretty much full on delusional and out of control. I don't think I've ever got to that stage. I think I've bordered on it at times.
But I won't rule it out completely. Maybe it is. More likely to be hypomania though I believe. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe it is just me and I am just a weird, grandiose, eccentric character at times because I don't know who the hell I am. And when I'm full of energy and not depressed it's just me being my version of 'normal'.
I mean, really who is to say that goal focused activity and lots of energy and talking a lot = hypomania.
All I know is that, these two different states are complete opposites. The way they feel is complete opposite. When I'm down and depressed I can't even face talking to or being seen by one person. I can't even look people in the eye. It's awful. I hide away.
I'm so low. I'm so slow. My brain doesn't work. I have absolutely 0 motivation to do anything at all. I want to die.
When I'm like this I'm like... So much to do! So little time!!!!
That's how I feel right now. I wish I could keep how I feel right now going for forever.
This is day 1. So I'm going to be consciously aware of myself over the next few days.
I really do analyse myself way too much I feel. Perhaps it is not healthy.
I feel like, I should feel it's not healthy to be this obsessed with myself.
However, it's because, I've suffered all my life with so many different things. And I feel so much confusion over it. It really causes me great distress. So I try to figure it out.
Should I feel bad for being curious and interested in psychology and psychiatry enough to want to try to figure out what the hell is wrong with me?
Is it not natural to try and figure out what's wrong?
I know labelling yourself is wrong but I'm not labelling myself, except for the fact that I KNOW that if I'm not bipolar I definitely have major depressive disorder.
And believe me it's NOT a label I want.
It's taken me years to come to terms with the fact that I am ill mentally with at least one severe condition. I denied it for years to myself. I was ashamed and confused.
I still am.
But after years of believing bipolar was definitely not something I had, I am beginning to now think there is a possibility that actually, I may well be bipolar.
Oh well. If I am I am I guess.
So let's see how this mood and this flow of ideas and inspiration goes. It could be the case that tomorrow it will all vanish. It could be a few days. Or it could be longer.
We shall see.

This lasted about 4 days. I made lots of music during this time. Then I CRASHED. And I’ve not gone back up since. Look at it. What a load of self indulgent $#%^. I’ve gotta stop self diagnosing. But who can blame me. I’m so mixed up who can really blame me for attempting to understand this insane brain of mine.
I do feel high sometimes. Really high. I do increase in activity dramatically from days like today. I do get on a completely different vibe. The colour comes back into the world like someone just coloured in all the outlines in a colouring book with stunning, vibrant shades. The sounds also sound louder. My ears feel more in tune with my surroundings which sounds odd. But they do. I feel like I have super hearing. My mood lifts, I feel a surge of energy. But Then I feel like I do now and I feel like I will never feel happy or alive ever again. Someone turned the lights off in my brain. The beautiful colours faded into greyish shades. The sounds duller. The FEELING of motivation and energy gone. Anger remains. But it’s different. I don’t know how to describe it.
I feel mad but like I can’t get mad. It’s all inside me with a lid on. It’s all in in my brain driving me insane but it can’t come out in the physical sense.

Interesting. Well if I am bipolar can someone please tell me how to trigger mania because I feel like I’m already half dead right now.
It is interesting reading this because it’s true. I could be bipolar. I don’t know. As I said I defo experience major depressive episodes. I’m in one right now and it’s hell. But I don’t care too much if I am or am not bipolar anymore cause either way I don’t think anyone will actually help me with my various illnesses hahaha
Can someone tel me how to trigger a manic episode though because I need this depression to end NOW