I am the one no one sees. No one hears. No one wants to help.
There is no one to help me. There are no resources. I am not a high enough priority on the scale.
I am part of those that disappear. That people talk about and say ‘if only they’d been getting the right help’. But at the time, no one will help them. And soon after, they’re forgotten. Just another victim of the world. Of this tragic thing called life.

I am invisible. I am not worthy of being helped. Somehow the world has decided and my current circumstances determine that I can be left and it’s ok.

So I think ok, I must be well enough to take care of myself. I’ll be ok. I can do this. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need mental help. I’m fine.

I’m ok.

But I just don’t know what to do. I can’t function. Even that line just feels so worn out and tired. ‘I can’t function’.
I want to beat myself up.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Don’t drink. Don’t smoke. Don’t do drugs. Just suffer.
Who am I to think I deserve anything more than an eternity of torture and suffering?

I just just be really entitled. I should sort myself out. This is life. No one should care about you. No one has to care about.

What did I expect, some nice little life where people actually love me? Ha ha ha

Swim is high right now.
Sometimes when she’s high, she has a lot of insight into things. Her mind goes deep into itself and things start making sense.

So I thought I’d type it here. So I can read it another time.
So I’m just typing this out as it comes from swim.

I just realised, due to everything that has happened to me in the past few years, I hate myself. I didn’t realise until now just how much I am ashamed of myself.
I feel like a truly terrible person.
And the only thing that comforts me from feeling that is the fact that it means that I at least still have a conscience.
I feel kind of exposed writing this even though I am anonymous but I am truly truly ashamed of myself for the past few years. I’m disgusted at myself. The truth is, I must really really hate myself deep down. To do the stuff I did to myself. To behave how I did. Do the things I did.

I am so completely and utterly ashamed. I feel the most enormous guilt the size of which I could not even possibly attempt to describe with words.

It’s horrendous. I am horrendous. I feel that somehow, a demon got inside me. I have behaved in absolutely disgusting ways. I behaved like him. I behaved like a disgusting monster.
The past few years just haven’t gotten straight in my head. I don’t know if they ever will. It feels like a 3 year dream. I went to sleep for 3 years and woke up after a three year long nightmare. And like any dream, it doesn’t all make sense, it’s completely muddled in every way, blurry, periods missing.
I don’t understand any of it. And it terrifies me. It terrifies me that I can behave like that.
It terrifies me that I got so out of control. It terrifies me that I let the things that happen to me happen to me.

It made me realise, what a truly dysfunctional person I am and as much as I want to run from it I can’t.

I have a blackness inside me and I feel I can’t cure it.

I need to get rid of it. All the terror, the pain, the shame, the sadness, guilt and depravity.

I am a really bad person. I need to wake up and change. I have let myself down in such terrible ways.
And no one is going to come and save me. I’ve got to save myself.

Lord I pray this therapist is going to be good. And I pray I get therapy soon, I need it so badly.

Gonna rant my $#%^ here as I don’t know where else to put it.
I am ILL.
I am insane.
I am hurting so badly.
I am feeling so incredibly dark.
I am not well.
I hurt. The pain is too much. It is tooooooooooo much I want it to stop. dear god make it stop.
Pleeeeaaaaaaase make it stop.
I am really strongly considering suicide. Not right this very minute. But I’m thinking of getting things in order and maybe doing it. But I’m scared. Cause if I do it I’m going to really do it. No going back.
I am hurting sooooo soooooo bad and I can no longer take the pain. I can’t. I just can’t.
It’s too much. It is too much. I don’t even feel worthy of being alive. And I don’t think anyone else thinks I am either.
And the pain. Is. Too. Much.
My abusive partner is all of a sudden constantly on my mind and I don’t know why. It’s like all of this just happened. I am sickened. I am hurting. I am abandoned.
I don’t have a home! I feel sick.
One minute I miss him like crazy and the next I want to kill him quite literally. I get insanely angry like demonic rage....
and then I’m like this. I miss him. I miss him so badly. And I’m never gonna see him again.
I’m never gonna see him ever again!!!! He’s gone :’(
I can’t do it! I am so sad I am so sad! He’s never coming back he’s gone.
I keep worrying he’s dead! I have this weird feeling. What’s if he’s dead and I killed him?!
He’s going to move on and not love me anymore. He probably has already! I can’t take it!
I can’t take it! He abandoned me! Everyone abandons me!
No one cares. I think I am better off dead. I don’t think I can go on. This pain is just too much.
I can’t live without him. And I can’t live with all these sick memories in my head.
I want to be sick. I want to be violently sick. I am past the point of no return. My mind is broken.
What am I. I am just a worthless piece of $#%^. I am ###$ up. Damaged. Broken beyond repair.
But I’m too scared to kill myself! But I want to so badly!
I can’t take anymore. I can’t take anymore. I can’t take anymore.
I can’t take anymore. I can’t take anymore. I can’t take anymore.
If I die I want it to be painless. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to be gone.
I want to be in peace! I am so sad. Whyyyyyyyyyyy did all this happen. I asked for it. I asked for it.
I asked for it. I’m a sick evil ######6 monster. I asked for it.
I deserved all of it!!!! I deserved it! I deserved it!!!! I am sick. I am ######6 sick. I am a cold empty human. Im disgusting. I am a horrible ugly disgusting ###$. I am a ######6 sick piece of $#%^. I want to cut my ######6 skin off. I am a dirty disgusting cold empty horrible thing.i want someone to ######6 beat me. I deserve to be beaten.

God,

I have to stop this but I don’t know how. Please help me.
I can’t take anymore. And I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what to do. I can not do anything. Help me pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaasssssseeeeeeeeee. Help meeeeeee.
I’m breaking. I can’t break. I won’t. I won’t let myself.
I can’t. But I don’t see the point in trying.
I don’t wanna die. I don’t want this.
I’m so tired of fighting. And so scared. And so alone. I need some intervention as I’m not capable.
It’s too hard. You put too many heavy weights on me and I’m not strong enough to get up.
Please lift them. Please make it better. Heal my mind.
Help me. Please. Help me.

Hello blog,
It's time for an update as I need to just get these thoughts out of me while I'm feeling how I'm currently feeling.
Today I have awakened from my depressive state, and it feels good.
It feels good not to feel depressed anymore however I also feel incredibly irritated.
I have been remembering a lot of horrible stuff that I did not want to think about and it made me incredibly angry. However, I'm feeling much better in myself in general. I no longer feel like I just want to hide away and sleep all day.
Have talked for hours, literally hours, whilst pacing round my living room. Also decided, again, that I'm going to take up a martial art. And have ideas for some art projects.
I go through these kind of phases often and I'm beginning to think that I may actually be bipolar. Specifically bipolar 2.
It seems to make sense. I definitely have major depressive episodes however I also have these episodes where I'm incredibly focused on goals, have lots of ideas, can't stop talking and no longer feel depressed. Energy replaces lethargy. Enthusiasm and motivation replaces that dead, zombie like state. Now, usually when this happens, I don't think anything of it. It's just how I've always been, however, bipolar 2 seems to fit this. I know for sure I must either have major depressive disorder or bipolar 2. And I don't need to be a psychiatrist to say this. It's not hard to see.
I most definitely have experienced many major depressive episodes. Periods of weeks, sometimes months and months, where at the very worst I will not wash, stay in bed and sleep constantly and just feel like a dead zombie who can not go anywhere in public or do basic things like cooking, cleaning, having a shower, washing clothes.
I'll stay in the same clothes for weeks sometimes. Not even realising. It's pretty embarrassing to admit.
Then I will change. I will be ready to achieve my wildest dreams, I will be full of self belief, be very energetic and make LOADS of plans. I have loads of a4 notebooks filled entirely with plans in that I've written over the years. Including life goals and plans to get there, brainstorms for movie ideas, brainstorms for creative projects, poetry, loads of activities I want to do. I rarely get anywhere though. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I'll actually follow through. But mostly I never do. It doesn't last long enough to have a lasting impact on my life as I fall back into depression again and next thing I know weeks and months have gone by again where I've just slept and done absolutely nothing.


I may have experienced full mania without knowing it, however, judging from my past behaviour I'd say what I've experienced when I am 'up' seems to fit much better with hypomania. However, there have been times when I have felt so connected to a divine presence and thought it was my mission to wake up the world. Messaging everyone I know trying to 'wake' them. Writing very long posts on my Facebook.... That I look at now and think... Hmmmm... That just sounds crazy! I even delete them sometimes,weeks or months later when I'm no longer in that mindset as they sound so grandiose and I sound so nuts I find them embarrassing. However, it still doesn't seem like it would be full blown mania. But I don't know enough about mania. And I'm here trying to be all self aware and I know that I am not qualified to diagnose myself.
Even a psychiatrist couldn't diagnose themselves as although they have all the education and knowledge, the illness gets in the way, altering perception etc and no one that is ill can be objective about oneself.

But my perception of full mania is someone who is pretty much full on delusional and out of control. I don't think I've ever got to that stage. I think I've bordered on it at times.
But I won't rule it out completely. Maybe it is. More likely to be hypomania though I believe. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe it is just me and I am just a weird, grandiose, eccentric character at times because I don't know who the...

[ Continued ]