So I left off the last blog mentioning my father and my youth. As I lay here I think that some of this is no one else's problem, or concerns. But it's a start for me to acknowledge who I am.

I'm the youngest of three. The middle brother was adopted and it seems his biological mother might had been an alcoholic. He has mental issues but different than mine. My oldest brother battled with addiction of drugs. And me, coming across most of my life as 'the golden child' had my own addictions.

Why were we such a disfuntional family? The dad. The asshole. The man who's own selfishness created a miserable childhood. Now where do I start with this guy? Let's go with the number one thing. It wasn't a prominent abuse, since it only occurred 2-5 times (from what I remember). The ass molested me and my brothers when we were young. I remember specifically what happened, I just don't remember my exact age or the number of times. 5 to 7 years old maybe. While my brother was going through his resentment, he entered quite a few rehabs. Many, many years later, after we brought it up to our mom (who is truly my idol), she asked why this was never brought up before? At the time, we didn't have an answer. Within the last year my mom & brothers came to my State to visit me. My first family visit since getting out of prison. While they were here they met with my SOTP counselor.More of the molestion was discussed and the answer to my mom's question was, because he was the bread winner, he was the patriarch. We couldn't do it to mom.

So with that being the biggest of destruction that he caused us, the rest of our lives were followed by a worse than absent father. We all wished he was gone, but he was there. Constantly there, but not there. We ate dinner before he came home so that he could eat in 'peace and quiet'. After his dinner he would go to his office which was a door away the den (the place where the family TV set was). Now, 3 boys of different ages didn't always get along so well. I guess we never really got along at all (as kids). So we'd fight. We'd disagree. Even if we were getting along, we'd wrestle. Well dad wanted no part of that. He'd open his office door and yell at us for being too loud. Whether or not we were getting along. He demanded his solitude. And we lived on pins and needles to not piss him off. Mom was always there to soothe things over. She was the strength we needed.

He was so selfish that if he drove us somewhere and he needed to run an errand, we'd have to sit in the car. But it was just sit there, it was "don't touch anything!" I was afraid to even roll down the window.

I remember my childhood of him saying "when you turn 18..." All these threats about what's going to happen "when I turn 18". So I moved out at 17 years old. I had a job, I was able to pay rent and I was able to finish high school. He's response to that, "don't expect to come back".

In 1986 I bought a brand new, 11 miles on it, Mustang GT. He had a fit! He didn't talk to me for two months. I was on my own, I graduated and earned enough to buy a brand new car and his reaction was to be angry and not talk to me.

Many, many years later. After I got married, bought a house and had kids did he finally tell me that I did good. First, it was a little too late. Second, I wasn't 'doing good'. I had depression, resentment & some distaste towards the life I was living. Something inside was lacking. So I had an affair or two. I was viewing pornography more and more and internally destroying myself and my family. Now I was the selfish one. While I told my kids that I loved them as often as I could, I dedicated my life to them, I still sought relief from the world by viewing CP.

Why I was attracted to that over regular porn? I had control. I was able to control what I was viewing, the girls were smaller and I was mentally their ages. I was reliving a better childhood with beautiful girls. I said to myself, I'm not hurting anyone. The kids are asleep, I'm alone and just looking at pics, who could I be hurting??? Well I learned that I hurt everyone! There was so much fallout due to my selfishness that I lost, no, I gave up everything.

So now here's the kicker... Here's how that prick decided that he's had enough. He became wheelchair bound. He wasn't able to walk anymore because of his dislike or distrust of doctors. Not a huge deal, mom & dad lived in a huge retirement community. Hundreds of old people in wheelchairs and walkers. But he didn't want that. Again, his selfishness shown (or is it shined) through. While I was in county jail, awaiting my sentencing, he committed suicide. He shot himself in his garage for my mother to find him the following morning.

Now I'm in a whole nother State, and in a county jail. I had no way of tending to the family. Having once been 'the golden child', I'm left to do nothing. And I'm unable to mourn, have closure or even cry if I chose to. I couldn't do anything for almost 3 years.

I was finally able to get closure. My CCO let me take a trip to visit my mom and brothers. I told my CCO that I wanted to piss on his grave. She didn't want to hear it. I didn't do it. But, he was cremated. He was entombed in a wall thingy that's like 12 x12 square. It was in the middle of the desert. And on a day I visited, it was 106*. So, I came to the conclusion that he actually did go to hell. And there was my closure. The rest of the family seems to be at peace since he's been gone.

As far as how my family dealt with it, I still have no idea. To them, grandpa lived far away and I never ever slung dirt to the kids, so I guess they just continued on. Just like they've continued on without dad.

I add more to my story later. Where I am now and where I'm going...