I prepared myself for a poly today... Actually prepared all day yesterday and mentally got prepared today. It was cancelled, rescheduled... Whew, I guess...

I was going in with much more confidence then last time (last time I spent 30 in a free laundry, free food and free bedding situation.) For now, it's going to be the beginning of next month.

It's ok. Keeping the confidence.

I've been thinking a lot about suicide. A lot more than regularly. I have reasons why, but not to be explained here.

Is this where I leave a suicide note? Say my goodbyes and reasoning behind it? Not quite yet.

I have some unanswered questions. Homosexuality isn't a choice, it's a (what? I gotta look it up). I read or heard the statement, "who would subject themselves to the ridicule and heartache it brings to oneself and ones family? No one would 'choose' that. It's something that their either born with or ended up with that inclination.

I didn't choose to have this attraction to younger girls. I didn't choose the ridicule and harassment that this brings to me and my family and friends. It's an uncontrollable attraction. I assume, like a gay person is attracted to their own gender. Sure they could look at peer aged people of opposite genders but is that who they're sexually attracted to? Can they force themselves to be attached? They sure can fake it couldn't they?

Ok... When someone 'attempts' suicide, it's a cry for help. Putting something like down in print is also preceived as a cry for help. I don't want that. I've searched for help. I've received help. I'm still in therapy. It's an unexplainable condition.

It won't happen today. But its a relief to be able to put thoughts in writing.

So I left off the last blog mentioning my father and my youth. As I lay here I think that some of this is no one else's problem, or concerns. But it's a start for me to acknowledge who I am.

I'm the youngest of three. The middle brother was adopted and it seems his biological mother might had been an alcoholic. He has mental issues but different than mine. My oldest brother battled with addiction of drugs. And me, coming across most of my life as 'the golden child' had my own addictions.

Why were we such a disfuntional family? The dad. The asshole. The man who's own selfishness created a miserable childhood. Now where do I start with this guy? Let's go with the number one thing. It wasn't a prominent abuse, since it only occurred 2-5 times (from what I remember). The ass molested me and my brothers when we were young. I remember specifically what happened, I just don't remember my exact age or the number of times. 5 to 7 years old maybe. While my brother was going through his resentment, he entered quite a few rehabs. Many, many years later, after we brought it up to our mom (who is truly my idol), she asked why this was never brought up before? At the time, we didn't have an answer. Within the last year my mom & brothers came to my State to visit me. My first family visit since getting out of prison. While they were here they met with my SOTP counselor.More of the molestion was discussed and the answer to my mom's question was, because he was the bread winner, he was the patriarch. We couldn't do it to mom.

So with that being the biggest of destruction that he caused us, the rest of our lives were followed by a worse than absent father. We all wished he was gone, but he was there. Constantly there, but not there. We ate dinner before he came home so that he could eat in 'peace and quiet'. After his dinner he would go to his office which was a door away the den (the place where the family TV set was). Now, 3 boys of different ages didn't always get along so well. I guess we never really got along at all (as kids). So we'd fight. We'd disagree. Even if we were getting along, we'd wrestle. Well dad wanted no part of that. He'd open his office door and yell at us for being too loud. Whether or not we were getting along. He demanded his solitude. And we lived on pins and needles to not piss him off. Mom was always there to soothe things over. She was the strength we needed.

He was so selfish that if he drove us somewhere and he needed to run an errand, we'd have to sit in the car. But it was just sit there, it was "don't touch anything!" I was afraid to even roll down the window.

I remember my childhood of him saying "when you turn 18..." All these threats about what's going to happen "when I turn 18". So I moved out at 17 years old. I had a job, I was able to pay rent and I was able to finish high school. He's response to that, "don't expect to come back".

In 1986 I bought a brand new, 11 miles on it, Mustang GT. He had a fit! He didn't talk to me for two months. I was on my own, I graduated and earned enough to buy a brand new car and his reaction was to be angry and not talk to me.

Many, many years later. After I got married, bought a house and had kids did he finally tell me that I did good. First, it was a little too late. Second, I wasn't 'doing good'. I had depression, resentment & some distaste towards the life I was living. Something inside was lacking. So I had an affair or two. I was viewing pornography more and more and internally destroying myself and my family. Now I was the selfish one. While I told my kids that I loved them as often as I could, I dedicated my life to them, I still sought relief from the world by viewing CP.

Why I was attracted to that over regular porn? I had control. I was able to control what I was viewing, the girls were smaller and I was mentally their ages. I was reliving a better childhood with beautiful girls. I said to myself, I'm not...

[ Continued ]

I'm in the USA a charged felon of CM 1st degree & Possession of depictions of minor engaged in sexually explicit conduct. I'm not proud of who, or what I've become. Suicide is such an easy solution.

My first charge I was sentenced to a diverted sentence and had to do 3 years SSOSA (Special Sex Offender Sentencing Alternative ) with 5 years probation. They thought I was succeeding in the program, finished it and was taken off supervision almost a year early.

I fooled them. But never myself... I continued to view CP through most all of the program. I passed polygraphs and kept a job, a wife, family, friends and kids... I thought that I had it all. My wife and I (with the support of the bank) owned our own home. I had a recreational vehicle (a VERY built Jeep Wrangler), a beautiful daily driver and just prior to my incarceration for my second offense, I purchased a motorhome. I had masked my deviate life or so I thought.

My wife and family thought that my first offense was behind us. I made a stupid mistake, it was instantaneously stopped mere seconds after it started, it did not involve my own children, but it was enough. I was and still am very apologetic to the victim and my family & friends. But it wasn't behind us.

My second offense was more or less a continuation of my first. Actually, if I had been caught earlier viewing CP, I probably wouldn't have committed the CM. But, coulda woulda shoulda... I was viewing CP, got wayy to curious and sought out to explore my inner demons. And to repeat, I truly regretted it the moment I did it.

But was the first offense scary enough for me to change my ways? Obviously not. I continued to view almost begging to be caught, to forcibly get the help that I needed. Help or suicide... I collected many pics and vids. Collected was what it was... Like playing cards. Searching for more, different and new. In searching for different, I searched for someone to share in my pleasures. Answered an ad on Craigslist and basically entrapped myself. The police, the Sheriff and ICE came in, guns drawn and confiscated all electronic equipment in the home. Laptops, PC's, digital cameras and memory cards. Much like the first offense, this too did not involve my own children. Only internet kids, so after my sentence, aside from my own laptop, everything was returned to the home.

Two years of waiting... Two years of the "Swords of Damocles" hanging over my head. My life ending that June morning. Should I have committed suicide then? Maybe I should have... I didn't really have a lot to live for.

After the raid, the kids went off to school (how they did that, I couldn't imagine), and my wife left for school. I stayed home from work that day and contemplated the easiest way. My wife came home early from her school, prior to the kids coming home because, in her words, "I didn't want the kids coming home and seeing me dead on the couch".

Due to my external 'exercises', I was a failure in bed. I ended up sleeping on the couch. After the raid, the couch became my semi-permanent bed. I say semi-permanent because it was just a matter of time that I will be resting my head elsewhere. I lived a roommate situation with my wife, just waiting to be taken away. After a year and a half (slightly more) I wondered what was going on. I knew I wasn't forgotten about. They still had all the electronics... Someone was working on my case. Finally the warrant for my arrest came. I said goodbye to my wife, and my kids hugged me goodbye, not really understanding the implications that were about to unfold.

I was taken away June 10th, 2012. I was able to talk to my kids on the phone from the county jail since I wasn't convicted of anything yet. My wife sold almost everything of mine. The car, motorhome and a trailer. The Jeep was elsewhere but it was agreed upon earlier that it will stay mine.

December 21st, 2012 was the day that the Maya calendar predicted it would be the end of the world....

[ Continued ]