I miss my SO's alters. So many have integrated. She's down to just three. This is a good thing as I know she has healed so much over the years, but I do miss most of them.

I miss Violet and how she nibbled on me. I miss Genesis and how she called me Dearling. I miss Scout and his lovable playfulness. I miss Sneaker and how giggly she was. I even miss Snow, though she wasn't exactly the life of the party.

In a way, I've had to grieve their loss and I suppose I still am. The loss of Genesis has hit me especially hard. She was funny, flirty, and razor sharp. As a protector, she was like a mother to the others. Having her trust meant the world to me and I spent more than a few nights enjoying her conversation. God do I miss her. I wish she could see the man I've become. I wish she could see how happy I make her daughters now. I wish she could be there for the wedding.

All I can do is honor her memory by loving her daughters as much as I possibly can.

So my SO's protector alter hates me now.

Nothing I can do to change it.

I liked her a lot because she made me feel appreciated. Now I don't know what to do.

I want to die.

So I started a new medicine today.

It's for ADHD although I don't really know if I have that. Instead of testing me, my doctor just proscribed me the medicine and we'll see how things go. -.-

I took the pill this morning and after a while I felt a tingling sensation in my head. This was quickly replaced with a general feeling of nausea. As soon as I ate something, the feeling passed. So from now on I'll only take the med with food.

I hope this med is like my anti-depressant and builds up in my system. After the nausea I felt great. Not like superman great, but pretty good.

Hmm I've never been serious about blogging or keeping a journal before. Maybe this will be good for me though?

For those who don't know I'm the SO of a wonderful woman with DID. She's smart, beautiful, and funny.
She'll never know how much she really means to me.

I guess I'll keep track of some of the more memorable parts of a DID life here. Because this is my blog and not hers I'll try to limit the information about her.

The other day, my SO's host: Kitter confided she was very worried. One of her protectors, named Genesis, has a large cave in their headspace where she keeps memories and possible other things. I admit, I was at a true loss as to how to console Kitter. How do I tell her that it's okay, that we can deal with whatever is in that cave? I truly do believe that we can deal with those buried things, but saying so sounds rather hollow in my ears. Is there a right thing to say?

I talked to Genesis a little today before my SO went to work. I told her I like her to work with me in being a good partner to Kitter/Ellie/and C.

I don't question Genesis' abilities as a protector. She's probably the oldest alter in my SO's system and she's been doing a fine job. I truly hope she doesn't think I'm questioning her or trying to infringe on her territory. I just want to be better prepared. If she could give me a heads up on what's going on in their head, maybe I would have better answers?

Let me put it like this, I love my SO. Her concerns are my concerns. So even though I don't know what its like to have DID I still want to share the burden. Genesis has all the knowledge and all the answers. If she helps me maybe I can help them.