https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9dJRRTZyQ8

Yeah, well, the song got me thinking...I have a similar fate to Xion's overall. Not to get into any spoilers, but. My fate is pretty obvious by now. I was pulled from nothingness...thus the only place I can go back to is nothingness. This is why no one interacts with me. This is why nothing succeeds in my life that would have any substantial meaning. Everything is a fiasco. Everything I try to change that just makes my life more miserable and it never works out. Of course not. Because I have no meaning, no personality, no soul, no definition. All of it disappeared slowly. Now I'm merely a leftover, a copy of some entity who created me, but no longer needs me. That's what it 'feels' like, if I can even call it a 'feeling', as I'm not sure I am ever really capable of anything anymore.

I 'feel' unwanted by God and/or any aspect or spirit of life as well. Maybe that's not how it is, but the thing is, I don't want 'my' life to continue anymore. I'm tired of all this. I don't care about them who 'might' desire me to exist. I have no feelings, passions, thoughts, needs, nothing. So why should I bother with existence in this total emptiness? Thus back I go into nothingness, the only place I can call 'home'. I never want to experience existence again...after all of this.

Perhaps I was never meant to exist in the first place...it always feels like that I'm nothing more than a mistake that should have never come to light. And that's fine...I came to terms with how I will be gone forever after this life ends.

My colors are already dimmed, my light is faded. I'm half-way dead already. Mostly disappeared from the world. This will be completed after death...when nothing miraculous will happen, I will lose all remaining consciousness and end up in nothingness once again and forever. It's liberating knowing how I will never see a spirit or anything, for I will completely lose all existence in less than a moment...a lot of things I've translated talks about what happens after this life, but it was never meant for me. I don't want to experience anything anymore. I leave such 'lovely' things up to the other beings who have way more meaning and personality/individuality in themselves than me.

It is just liberating knowing that I will no longer matter and will be eventually forgotten forever, as if I never existed. Not everything is supposed to exist in the world, and I 'am' one of those things...well, for not much longer. The circle closes and I will be done for the time being.

Not being able to imagine anything means you cannot visualize a person's face, for example. You can recognize a person's face, but cannot picture it nor draw it. If you told me to imagine a mural filled of an ancient battlefield, only the verbal words would be regarded, but not any imagery.

Or imagine a fictional character with an golden armor set, average height, black hair, green eyes, in a battle stance. For me, I can only see the words, but not an image of this character. So it's essentially a written blueprint to me, but I can't make any sense out of what would incite fantasies from people. So I usually find books or novels seriously lacking in adequate description and leaving me wonder "how these events happen(ed), simultaneously?". So I don't like to read novels, but prefer comics where I am not forced to possess imagination.

The only time I might be able to sense something unreal is while dreaming - but it seems uncontrollable and more like watching a TV show - lucid dreams do not occur, ever. So maybe the subconscious might still be able to visualize, but it does so at its own whims. But even then, it's very limited and unclear of a vision, with no solid grasp of visual imagery. It's more like a series of slideshow than a solid movie. Perhaps dreams and imagination is actually unconnected..

The best I can do with imagination is being able to recall an existing picture/image - but this is very difficult and requires concentration (and closed eyes meanwhile) on that image, so it does not last long. I cannot transform or bring life to that standstill picture, as expected. It only works on characters/human beings, but only sometimes. A landscape, abstraction or a vision is impossible.

I can't think of unique names for stories, or even a synopsis or plot for one. I tried writing a few novels, but I lose interest and coherence after a few paragraphs. It just doesn't work out. I cannot plan out the plot ahead in advance either. I can never think of anything to draw, I can't make an original story for the life of me, and have lost the words for poetry as well.

I got asked recently about why not write a new poem, but I already have lost it all. I've written everything out from myself - I'm finished, done, complete. It looks like there is nothing left for me that requires a presence of an imagination. Maybe back as a child, I did have some imagination and could do great things with it - but since long years ago, that is a very distant history - feels like a millions lifetimes to me and now I'm just some void.

Seems the universe did pull a reverse on me and took away everything that provided the least bit of comfort for a solitary schizoid. I was surely not like this as a small kid. Now I can only consume other people's art, but it's like walking through the most majestic landscapes as a blind person, and can only sense/experience 10% of everything you encounter. It pales, but at least you learn to recognize and value that which others overlook. And frankly, only consuming a fragment of others' experiences bores me to hell.

Do I actually even exist if I have no 'me', can't express anything relating to 'me', possessing no story, and just going with the flow? Oh.

Now you may think that this is not much to toot a horn for, but then think again how visual-oriented human beings are. Learning becomes a much greater hurdle and you forget info much sooner too. The only way to learn is via repetition, until something imprints in the brain. That is all without any visual cues.

This also means zero emotional memories. Say, when I was at a trip in London, nothing could become exciting and I felt no need to take a single picture, even though the camera was there. Even if I'd browse old family photos it would be meaningless, because the 'me' there would be a different 'me' I could never relate to.

Perhaps the only good thing about this is not being able to relive any experience/memory in your head; which means, no traumas and...

[ Continued ]

It's been years, and I still have no particular ambition and no goal left to strive for. This mental condition is not something you can cure either. It just gets worse and worse as times passes by, no matter how hard you try to change it. I might have used to want to dive into projects, but lost all creativity and ideas for such things. I'm missing the essence of being human. That one thing that drives you forward, to achieve or to simply enjoy doing anything.

People always say to try this, or that, or the other, but it all falls flat. I can't see the point. I never feel like I get anything out of it. Every action feels empty and meaningless. I'm still searching for something. Some sort of meaning or enjoyment...some sort of point to my existence. But I could never find one. The more time that passes by, the more numb and absolutely feeling-less I have become.

As the days go by, I just care less and less, it has literally been a slow downward slope, and I am just losing interest in everything. For me, pursuing goals is pointless and dreams are nothing but mere distractions from the nothingness.

I have no desire to go out and do things, and if I force myself to go out and do things otherwise (like things I feel "normal" people do or are doing), it is usually a terrible experience. I don't belong and should not be alive because this is clearly not for me. The problem then is I am left with my little introverted activities and hobbies, but if they were once somewhat fulfilling they are no longer providing that same fulfillment as time goes by. They are just a continuation of an ongoing numb experience.

What one could want is to feel fulfillment, joy and meaning in life, and not this ongoing numbness. But this cannot be changed or altered, because nothing drives me and nothing ever will. Whatever still awaits - is just a distraction of meaninglessness for me. I do not see the point of anything anymore. Whatever purpose I had, must have already been met and now I'm just a left-over. Bereft of any purpose and meaning. That's all there is to it..The future seems bleak in fact many a times the future does not seem to be there at all - it's a total dead end.

I had the urge to continue from "being dead inside" to "what a dead personality is like", a.k.a. what it's like to be like me, to live like me everyday.

Alternatively, the 'dead personality' could be called as a 'generic personality.' It's worse than no personality (which can be filled and is like a temporary placeholder), because being non-committal is the only thing that can be said about it. That's why I don't have much of a presence...at all. Neither do I have any particular characteristic or attribute. Simply put, there is nothing to characterize myself with. (You'll soon read about what all of that means in the long run.)

Though I always noticed that people simply turned off from my life without a notice or word, I didn't feel anything in particular afterwards or before. I don't care about making a friend, as I have nothing in common with anyone else and no one would be interested in me anyways. I don't want to either.

For instance, I can tell that the only reason you're now reading this is because you're bored, have nothing better to do now in your free time. So how do you approach this blog entry? With a casual manner, like your daily newspaper with a coffee or tea, mm?

Admit it that you don't really care about one iota about me or my life. Indeed, that is not interesting and nothing to be concerned about. So pass it over like salt. What you're trying to accomplish here is to understand more about yourself through my futile little words. I'm afraid I won't be of much help in that matter, though we may never know what's to follow up it all.

I'm aware that my personality or myself as a human being is bordering on non-existent, so whatever is being said to me or how I'm treated is irrelevant. All it does is that it increases my 'degree of flatness', and thus, it may seem I'm rather disinterested and depressed, but not really. Moments like those show it's not hard to be easygoing and flow in the other stream. "It's not a big deal after all": my motto.

I might seem I'm being hurt, but then not really. Why be bitter when you can be easygoing? I didn't stress at exam times either and took it easy. Studied only a few days before the exam or on the day before a bit. I knew well that success or failure is not up to me, so what's there left to be stressed about.

Perhaps being too generic or ambiguous could be a trait or attribute of its own? Or perchance it is not.

At a relatives meeting of course I couldn't remember what happened 5-6 years ago. Heck, I don't even know how was my childhood or even a year ago. It's not my expertise to associate myself with memories, when memories are nowhere to be found here. Then feel free to attack my character for not paying attention, because you couldn't fathom what that condition is like. At all. Not that I care to explain anything.

Being around people are a hectic experience. They are anything but silent. It's true that I have hardships tolerating even one person around me, in a confined little space. So get lost people, no thanks for your no-companionship. I'm fine being disconnected from all.

To reiterate what a 'dead personality' is like: I don't have any opinions at all. If I (still, sometimes) state or bother to say something, I want to retrace it back immediately afterwards or a little time after. So you see, it is a little hard to contribute or express yourself...when something you'd say in one moment but then you no longer feel like sending/expressing in the next because it's LOST its meaning in a few seconds or few minutes or few hours later...

Like this blog post or anything I wrote: I'd prefer it to be gone after a few days or few hours or few seconds...I'm seeking for the delete option, but it is not there. I want to tear it out from myself, from this blog, from the face of the earth as if it never existed. As it is no longer "me", no longer meaningful, never had meaning, and never could I associate with it. As if I would deny my...

[ Continued ]

One thing that's pretty off-putting for me is the lack of imagination. It may not seem like a big deal, but it is indeed a big deal when you're the artist type, yet unable to express yourself..

Reading a book is not a good experience, because I cannot visualize or hear anything at all. All the others need to do is close their eyes and they can easily succumb to their fantasies. To me, there's only emptiness ... and reality outside. It's like being in someone else's fantasy/story as a totally blind and mute person. The feels stopped...

This is why I just sorta stopped writing..of poems and stories. Heck, my life is pretty much dead at this point. Because what exists without imagination, for an artist? Without thoughts and feelings to express? Why keep living without memories? I still do..to show there's more to life than any of these things, and because I am a little masochist.

Sigh. Really, being this dead inside makes it all seem useless to linger for yet another day. It all gets numb and repetitive, as if you'd get tranquilizers each day, since you cannot even go into some ballistic R.A.G.E mode ... nothing at this point. But no, this does not mean I have any suicidal tendencies: it's just that this rundown state of being is one that you wouldn't ever wish to experience, I can tell you that. Because this is not what you could call 'living', this is just simply 'being'. So yes, if I could have it my way, I wouldn't like to live for more than a few years in this state of 'non-being'.

So I'm not just mentally limited, but artistically too. How great. My hands are quite tied and my options drastically limited. With a lifelong physical sickness to boost. That's life for ya. Goes to show you have to make-do with what you have to make-do. But this is not a complaint here. Just a reminiscence of sorts. To see if I can still manage to recall something..yet what is there to recall. Move on.

Nevertheless, I'm trying to dabble with music and prefer to read manga because I need graphics to complement a story, or my focus/concentration wears off very fast. I also prefer to delve into spiritual topics, 'cause life has not much left in store for me anyways. Funnily, I don't feel much with music either, I just do it do satiate my artistic hunger of yearning to create something sometimes.

Oh, the far-away past that seems like an entirely different life with an entirely different MC in charge..when I could develop 2D games, but now I don't even feel like designing anything. I lost all traces of being the MC in my life. The drive's just permanently gone. When you just cannot think of anything, and you cannot recall any memories from the past. A lil sad, but I don't feel much of an emotion either, so it's all dandy and balanced.

Maybe I'm closer to being detached even to the body and to all that is this world. Good. Maybe this is an inevitable next step. I find this detached state is wonderful for spiritual stuff. You just get things in one go. You can find harmony in that which others either hate or love, accept or decline -- it's as if you see only perfection in everything. Plus it's way more easier to realize you are not your body, etc.

When did I say that being dead inside can not be of benefit? The side-effects are that lacking memories, imagination, thoughts, feelings ... can make it seem it'd be good to actually live on some days, but that craving is not that much. When life 'stops' hurting you, when you no longer feel 'hurt' over any incident or event, you're getting closer...

Yet you might worry that thieves are abound and criminals are likely to shoot you down in a big city like New York ... but what if your worrying is the REAL cause behind why a criminal actually appears one day who will really shoot you down because of worrying like so? You were so preoccupied with such worrying, that you created this reality for yourself! Because you make it real what you are concentrated about, what you think about often...

I could also get...

[ Continued ]