It's been years, and I still have no particular ambition and no goal left to strive for. This mental condition is not something you can cure either. It just gets worse and worse as times passes by, no matter how hard you try to change it. I might have used to want to dive into projects, but lost all creativity and ideas for such things. I'm missing the essence of being human. That one thing that drives you forward, to achieve or to simply enjoy doing anything.

People always say to try this, or that, or the other, but it all falls flat. I can't see the point. I never feel like I get anything out of it. Every action feels empty and meaningless. I'm still searching for something. Some sort of meaning or enjoyment...some sort of point to my existence. But I could never find one. The more time that passes by, the more numb and absolutely feeling-less I have become.

As the days go by, I just care less and less, it has literally been a slow downward slope, and I am just losing interest in everything. For me, pursuing goals is pointless and dreams are nothing but mere distractions from the nothingness.

I have no desire to go out and do things, and if I force myself to go out and do things otherwise (like things I feel "normal" people do or are doing), it is usually a terrible experience. I don't belong and should not be alive because this is clearly not for me. The problem then is I am left with my little introverted activities and hobbies, but if they were once somewhat fulfilling they are no longer providing that same fulfillment as time goes by. They are just a continuation of an ongoing numb experience.

What one could want is to feel fulfillment, joy and meaning in life, and not this ongoing numbness. But this cannot be changed or altered, because nothing drives me and nothing ever will. Whatever still awaits - is just a distraction of meaninglessness for me. I do not see the point of anything anymore. Whatever purpose I had, must have already been met and now I'm just a left-over. Bereft of any purpose and meaning. That's all there is to it..The future seems bleak in fact many a times the future does not seem to be there at all - it's a total dead end.