"i am currently unsupervised.
i know, it freaks me out too.
but the possibilities are endless."

plus, i have a jug of pomegranate juice

if that's even possible? i used to consider myself high functioning. as of lately i'm not so sure.
for about two weeks now i've been doing absolutely nothing all week (hardly even leaving the house)
and then partying the entire weekend. nothing new if you read my last blog post.

i hadn't cut myself in months. and just this week i've cut myself four times, rather deeply; and one cigarette burn. which was right on the big vein in my wrist and it's a deep burn.. so i'm worried.

i don't see a point to life anymore. i don't think it's to the point of acting on my urges, but i definitely think about dying a lot. how people would react, who would get my belongings, who would attend my funeral, what the afterlife would be like, i've gone so far as to writing my suicide note and will.

i've been waking up from terrible nightmares almost every night now. sometimes they're about things that haven't happened, sometimes they're about things that have.. i'm also getting wayy too much sleep.

and then there's my emotions. i'll be raging for maybe only 30 seconds before i become absolutely hysterical. sobbing and hyperventilating to the point of vomiting. typically i get upset over nothing

i can't be alone at all anymore. it's to the point of following my boyfriend into the bathroom when he takes a shower so i don't have to be by myself for that half hour.

never have i called a crisis hotline (i have my pride you know) but if things keep going the way they're going, they'll be hearing from me before the week is over. who knows, maybe i'll end up back in treatment. it wouldn't be the worst thing, i actually like it there

for my seventeenth birthday party last weekend, my boyfriend and i went up to see my mom.
we met her and her boyfriend at the local bar, hung out for a bit, then brought some of their friends back to my mother's house with the four of us.
we drank quite heavily and i did some coke with my mom and one of her friends.
it didn't take everyone else long to figure that out.
so we were all chain smoking cigarettes and doing lines off the kitchen table.
what a party.
my boyfriend and i go back home and eventually fall asleep.
he goes to work at 11 pm and comes home at 7 am.
i've never been very good at being alone and this is no exception.
before i know it i'm raiding the cabinets trying to find any and all bottles of liquor.
then i raid his dresser drawers looking for a bit of pot.
as the night goes on, my high and happy moods start sinking as i become more and more inebriated.
i lock myself in the bathroom, chain smoking cigarettes and burning incense.
eventually i come out of hiding and fall asleep. it was 6 am.
i did the same thing all over again last night.
the thing is, i had been sober for 15 months before this little binge of mine.
now all i can think of is getting another high! getting another fix!

1. i drank 2 liters of peach flavored water.
typically, i drink a buttload of soda. so this is a healthy alternative.
2. i met up with another woman i found online and we worked out at the gym.
i lead a very lazy, sedentary life. i don't workout much though i know i should. i also have next to know female friends. so girl time was very much needed.
3. i did not stuff my face with food
probably because i wasn't just sitting on my butt all day, the only exercise being to the fridge.
4. i only smoked 3 cigarettes today
maybe someday soon i'll quit? it's quite an expensive habit

lips sewn shut
i am silent
and have been for so long
i am compliant
i know i am not strong
tears betray me
as you move closer
blind my eyes so i can't see

scratches and dried blood
cover my naked breasts
hues of black and blue
decorate my chest
i am filthy
he's just watching
i am guilty
i stopped fighting long ago
lips sewn shut
i am silent
and have been for so long