i have been in prison 6 times
first in june 2009 last october 2010
longest 3 months shortest 3 days

crimes:
arson
assault
reckless conduct
(just some of them you get the idea)

i have to say i got more help in the prison system then out in the community its a sham someone has to end up in prison to get the help they need and now i have the help i need in the community because i went to prison

its not a bad place to be (in Australia) i dont want to go back but if i ended up back it dosent bother me

prison is a part of my life i wish never happened but at the end of the day im glad it did happen if it didn't i would be more f**ked up then i am now

my life is a yo-yo of in and out of prison or hospital or homelessness

im surprised im not in prison now i was so close to stabbing someone or my house mate or going around starting fires so close so i went into hospital by choose and now im glad i chose hospital

i cant go back home but i havent hurt anyone

i sometime miss prison life is much easer in there you dont have to worry were you will sleep at night when you will get your next meal or clean cloths or a hot shower - its all just there - no public transport - its just easer i dont know why i find it easer but i do - i hardly got bored in there - always something to do or go and see someone in another unit - tv in each cell - toilet shower desk chair bed - what i do miss is my computer, mobile, internet, go anywhere i want (only a little bit), getting up whenever i want - the only thing i hate about it is the count were they count everyone to make shaw everyone is present and accounted for

there is a swimming pool, pool table, bingo, arts and crafts, drama, singing, gym, library, sports, programs, education, canteen - what more do you need

the officers liked me so i got away with a lot - none of them were assholes if you treated them right they treated you right - what goes around comes around

this is part of a post i have posted in the borderline personality disorder form

i havent herd or see him im mant years since i was really little i would have seen him 2 times

lately i have been wanting to make contact with him
to see if he cares about me or not
he abandoned me when i was little and up until lately i have hated him soo much
i dont know why i want to contact him (by mail not phone)
i dont know if it is a good idea or not
if i contact him he might not reply or send me a letter of hate and im not shaw if im ready to be rejected by him again
he use to send birthday cards then he stopped doing that
i want to know if he loves me i find this hard i have so much abandonment and hate issues with him
i think it is time to try and contact him i hope it goes well
first i have to get his address of his brothers but i can do that on Facebook
im in a half and half problem

so i asked my uncle what address is but he didn't know so i will do what he suggested and look up in the phone book
i hope im doing the right thing
i want to make contact with him
i dont want to ask my mum for his address i think she knows it - i just dont want to talk to her about why i want to contact him - its hard for me to explane it

my life short version

my parents split up when i was 6 months old
dad had access visits for the first few years of my life
but because of physical and emotional abuse (sexual abuse has been suspected but not proven so i dont know if i was sexually abused or not can not remember it) mum went to court to get a order for accesses to stop
at age 3 my behavior problems started and worsted as time went on at age 7 i entered the child mental health system put on meds diagnosed with ADHD RAD ODD (between the ages of 7 to 12) at 12 i was hospitalized for the first time after stabbing my teacher with a pen i went in to a psych ward for children aged 5 to 12.
in year 7 i almost got expelled from school because of behavioral problems
at 14 i was first admitted to a adolescence ward after mum found out i was cutting i spent a week in there and they told my mum that it is normal teenage behaviour
about 16 i was told i had emerging borderline personality disorder and dropped out of school halfway through year 10
at 17 i entered the adult system disability m and put on Tegretol and have a sever allergic reaction and nearly died from it
at 17 diagnosed with intellectual disability (later found i dont have one)
at 18 diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and bipolar
at 19 diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder
at 20 i got arrested for the first time (although i have a long history of violence)
at 21 i went to prison for the first time (i have been in prison 6 times in just 1 and a half years longest 3 months)
at 21 started having anxiety and panic attacks
at 22 no intellectual disability but diagnosed with a learning disorder
i have sapent since i was 14 in and out of hospital since 21 in and out of prison
i have been in the mental health system since i was 7 been on meds since i was 7
i havent completed anything since leaving school i start stuff but never finnish it
i have been in hospital over 57 times (lost count so many)
i have been to the ed over 150 times without being admitted to a psych unit (lost count so many)

right at this point im in hospital my life sucks

current diagnoses:

Antisocial Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Anxiety and Panic Attacks
Learning Disorder

also i have physical disabilities

i have problems with my hands and legs (dont know whats wrong)
always going numb or pins and needles
im going to see a specialist in august for a MRI my GP thinks there is something wrong with my nerves
i have see a physico and she said there is something wrong with the muscles in my legs

i feel like i will never get anywhere in life except go in and out of prison, hospital, homelessness or temporary accommodation

im in hospital until i get somewhere to live and at this point in time it feels like i will never get anywhere in life never get a job, have a family, more friends (as i have said in other blogs so i wont go more into it)

i get to the point were im doing well then smack i have another episode and have to start over again and again it feels never ending cycle

i will get into this place they want me to go everything will go well for sometime then all hell will break lose again like it always dose ill get kicked out end up in prison or hospital with nowhere to go (family wont have me not even for a few days) i feel abandoned by them when i need them the most

last time i had nowhere on the street my family abandoned me and wouldn't let me stay with them for even a few days so i ended up in prison its a yo-yo and im sick of this

i hope it is different this time and i can make something of my life

[quote="Apocallcaps"]May I ask what happened with your other accommodation; that is, why you lost it?[/quote]

this in my answer to Apocallcaps question for some reason it wont let me commet on blog comments so i will answer it in my blog

i lost it because i was going to stab one of the other people there (there were 2 others there) and i wrote on paper in my own blood that i will stab her ect (lots of disturbing things like that) i was sick of her and was really depressed and had bad anxiety so i ask to be hospitalized for a few days didn't help got discharged ended up back in hospital 7 hours later but this time the police saw what i had been writing (half in my own blood and half in texta) they took it to the hospital with us. my workers had a meeting and diced i will not go back and i agree with them it will get to the point it was at were one or more of these will happen-
1 i kill her/hurt her
2 i hurt/kill myself
3 ended back in hospital
4 prison
5 go around lighting fires

i had a lot of homicidal thoughts not just at her but to any random person and i wanted to go around randomly starting fires and i was at the point of acting on them. (i still have these thoughts but i will not act on them at this point in time, in future who knows)

i love watching stuff burn and watching blood or someone bleed (i know im f**ked in the head no one needs to point that out)