I crave real damage. Not necessarily cutting. I want to do something more serious than anything I've done before.

I need to prepare though, gather what I need. I get paid tomorrow, and I know exactly what I'm buying. Then I wait for delivery, maybe next week? And then see if I can go through with it without changing my mind.

I am excited and terrified all at once. I have told nobody what I am planning, except for some strangers on another forum, who know nothing about me. And even then, I didn't go into extreme detail.

Nobody around me has any idea what's going through my mind. There is such a huge difference between what I think and what I say. I lie and I manipulate. I play on people's emotions and expectations of me. I always knew my drama workshops would come in useful.

What was I thinking? I can't write a book, that's a crazy idea! Nobody wants to hear what I have to say.

I felt good yesterday, hopeful. Now it's back to reality.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. More lies. Maybe she'll let me out for an entire week again.

I've been reading books about self harm and BPD, books written from a personal perspective. Some of the stories were interesting, yes, but not necessarily more interesting than mine. And most of them were very badly written. I'm not an expert by any means, have never tried to write a book. However, I can write short stories well when I put my mind to it. I've been complimented on them, not just by people I know, but by people I don't know, even published writers. I don't write often, because I need to be really interested in what I'm writing and to feel motivated. The idea of writing a book interests me, and seeing some of the things that have been published, I think I could do as good a job or even better than some published authors.

However, I'm not sure that this is worth staying alive for. I'm not sure I even can stay alive for it, even if I wanted to.

I think to myself, maybe if I attempt suicide, and it doesn't work, I can write a book then. Realistically though, if I attempt suicide again, it is likely to work.

If I decide to write a book, that means I'll have to deal with "recovery" on some level, and I'm not sure I can do that. "Recovery" is terrifying. It means facing so many things I don't have to when I'm "sick".

I am torn. The only way to describe it is that I equally want to live and die. I have to make a decision, and it has to be soon.

I saw my psychologist today.
Unlike my therapist, she's closely linked with my psychiatrist, so I had to continue the lies I told my psychiatrist. I felt a little guilty, especially when she congratulated me on being so honest lately, and for "coming clean" to my psychiatrist. It was a waste of a session really, as I had to convince her that everything's fine, rather than telling her how things are really going.

There was one useful thing we talked about. I tend to be very self-critical, and think negatively about how others see me. She asked me if there's anyone who usually responds to me kindly when I talk about what I'm thinking or feeling. I mentioned my best friend R. The psychologist suggested that when I find myself thinking negatively, to imagine what R would say to me in that situation. I think it could be helpful.

I sent R a text. I told her about what I'm now calling WWRS - What Would R Say. She replied, telling me that made her day, that she loves me and truly appreciates my friendship. She said I'm welcome at her house any time. I asked if this Thursday would be ok. She hasn't replied yet. I started thinking that maybe she didn't really mean what she said, and she doesn't want me to visit, but I'm telling myself that maybe she's just busy and hasn't had a chance to reply yet, maybe she's discussing it with her girlfriend first, or maybe this week just won't work but if it doesn't then it's not the end of the world and it doesn't mean she hates me and I'll see her another time. Positive self talk!

More cutting. Nothing major.

Back to the hospital tomorrow. I have to see the psychologist. Not looking forward to it at all. Since she links in with my psychiatrist, I have to continue with the lie I told my psychiatrist, and I can't tell her about the cutting. Not to mention I have 2 weeks of diary keeping to catch up on. I'm meant to document things that make me want to hurt myself, what I think, and how I feel about them. Sounds easy, but it's actually not. Half the time I have no idea why I'm triggered.

One of my cats has taken to sticking her head under the tap when I turn it on, so I decided I would try and put both my cats in the sink. I even took videos. You can look at them if you want. You can't see me in them, just my cats.

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v382/sciencegirl99/?action=view&current=SAM_0171.mp4 - Merg in the sink

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v382/sciencegirl99/?action=view&current=SAM_0179.mp4 - Getting Merg to forgive me

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v382/sciencegirl99/?action=view&current=SAM_0186.mp4 - Kitten in the sink