Today is a more positive day.

I had coffee with AM (she paid for me because I don't get paid until tomorrow, which was nice). I told her about feeling suicidal. It was good to be able to talk so openly.

I sent R a text, asking if I could call. She said ok, so I called her, and we talked for about 20 minutes. She's my best friend, but I do have to be careful what I tell her, because if she's really worried then she'll call my psychiatrist. She's called her before. And people from another forum I post on have emailed my psychiatrist about me (without my knowledge - at least until I was confronted about whatever they said). Hell, when I was 17, someone I was talking to online called the police on me, because I told her I was planning to kill myself.

Anyway, I'm going to stay with R and A on Thursday until Sunday. They said they have Christmas presents for me. I feel a little guilty that I haven't gotten theirs yet (maybe if I didn't keep buying things to facilitate my self destruction I could have afforded to buy their presents) but I will buy them things soon.

I tidied my apartment too. That's a big deal for me, because I hate tidying, and I've had no motivation to do so lately.

So today has been good. I still feel so conflicted though. Still feel desperate.