I'm pretty happy today.

I gradually eased myself down from the manic stages. I'm a lot less suicidal now.

However, I still have fantasies about a suicide room and writing a screenplay called "The Suicide Room." I have almost completed the whole script in my mind. I just need to write it down. I have been working on it mentally for about a year. This basically consists of brainstorming a certain topic and building out all the details. Yeah, I'm different. I told my last girlfriend about this screenplay and some of the initial details I had worked out in my mind; she thought it seemed pretty cool. The only downside is that people will know how messed up I really am; but I think it will be a good plot with some interesting and controversial topics.

I'm getting back into shape, my hair is growing out, getting a bit tanner, and the girl next door seems to like-like me, which is nice, but I'm chill with us just being friends and keeping it at that. She is cute and highly intelligent, which is cool.

The weather is nice tomorrow; I might go on a 200km bike ride. I'll definitely pack a few cameras, some trail mix bars, and hopefully have some fun.

Just received a call shortly after posting that last one. Believe me, that last poem took a lot out of me.

Anyway, I start training for a new job that I landed in the city. It seems a bit interesting; I would be selling to high net worth clients and doing test drives with them in fast Italian cars. I'm a car fanatic. It seems like a dream job, but I'm sure there is some downside to all the fun.

I'm definitely skeptical if the whole operation is legit. I guess I will see soon.

This should be interesting . . .

I live life in a box;

sometimes I don’t have socks.

I cruise through this world

in and out of reality.

Only one person knows this world

and it’s me.


I dream of the future

and miss all of the past moments

of smiles and happiness

without thoughts

of suicide.


The moments of bliss

are blessed memories

of my mind.

When it is time to remember,

I call upon my creator.

He knows if I

am pure of heart.


Sometimes though,

I’m having trouble

and all I seek is an end.

I don’t know how.

I don’t know when,

but please Lord let it end.


I have given my money,

I have given my heart.

I have given my love.

I have given all.


What is there now?

Where do I go?

Many speak of paths,

but still I sit

here in my room.

Waiting for a job.

Feeling like Job.

Love feels lost.

Only faith and hope remain.

I'm still manic with pings of depression. I'm really happy sometimes and then at times I get shooting pain-like thoughts that begin to hurt. At times they don't even have a trigger. Its odd, but bearable.

I am almost finished this intense reorganization of my room. In a way I was dreading cleaning up as I have so many documents laying around that either talk about jobs, bills, lawyer fees, or medical fees.

I'm hoping to stay manic, but not off the edge. I have a wedding coming up on Friday in Canada. I have a really sweet date and just hope to not drink too much and hopefully enjoy the scenery. My artistic side is back and it is a joy to do anything creative.

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TSC MDS Rating : +11
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Today I am feeling Intense Hypomania. It is awesome. I have been waiting for this for a long time. I haven't experienced this level of mania since early April 2010. I am excited, but also cautious. I didn't really know that I had manic depression until last year. Now that I know that I have it, I can constructively manage this gift/curse as well as possible. It has been a very hard year. I moved into my new apartment on August 9th, 2010 and moved into a room significantly smaller than my previous place. I was already depressed before moving and downgraded in many aspects. This was necessary as I switched jobs; however, I spent most of the last year in bed with an unorganized, messy room. I hate being unorganized, but I couldn't really do anything about it for nearly a year. I finally organized my room starting yesterday (July 22).

In my opinion, I am very good at observing myself. However, in the past few years, I have learned that it is best to get feedback from others to keep myself in line. When I detach from talking to others and delve into my own research, I need to be careful as when manic, I can increase rapidly to higher stages of mania. I have been trying for months to get very manic as I am most productive when manic.

Also, I am the founder of a Limited Liability Corporation. I run almost everything and generate little to no income when depressed. The LLC is a design company. I am the head designer (basically the sole employee, with a few exceptions). When I get a little bit manic, I am inspired by almost everything. Tidbits of conversation, new experiences, and certain triggers enable me to think productively outside the box. The extent of my mania will determine just how out of the box my thinking is at that moment. If I am manic and nearly off the scale, the out of the box thinking will be in the clouds and possibly disillusioned. This is the point where people stop to understand what I am talking about and my perceived effectiveness is much higher than my actual effectiveness.

Last year, I had a high perceived effectiveness when I was highly manic and doing research on the application of the Golden Ratio to the world of finance. I was also doing research on the application of the Golden Triangle in physics and its relation to fractals. I also researched how the Golden Triangle and fractals are referenced in religious texts (such as Romans 1:20). I started to create a theory with many connections before the point that I went off the scale and became delirious.

I am very cautious right now. I do not want to get out of control again. I am not on meds and let myself be supervised by a close circle of friends who do not know that I have manic depression. I find it hard to avoid this, as close family who know the full story have become very worried in the past, intensifying the depressive or manic effect. Hence, I have avoided telling close family when I am severely depressed or manic. I find this best.

I hit a low point on Sunday night (July 17), which might have led me into the manic stages. I was very numb on Monday (July 18) and embarrassed about what I did. On Tuesday (July 19), I was still very depressed. Furthermore, my eating and sleeping habits started to skew on Saturday (July 16). I couldn't eat for a long time after Saturday night. I had some waffles Saturday evening and did not eat again until Tuesday afternoon. That's right, I had no solid foods from Saturday evening until Tuesday evening. My sleep was really off as well. There was definitely a reason for this.

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I have a lot more on my mind, but I am kind of tired. I took roughly 8 Vivarins in the past 20 hours. I started getting manic yesterday and kept taking Vivarins in order to keep up the high. I was getting really productive and wanted to savor the moment. I completely redid my apartment, turned my room into a multi-level space, and cleaned up the...

[ Continued ]