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TSC MDS Rating : +11
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Today I am feeling Intense Hypomania. It is awesome. I have been waiting for this for a long time. I haven't experienced this level of mania since early April 2010. I am excited, but also cautious. I didn't really know that I had manic depression until last year. Now that I know that I have it, I can constructively manage this gift/curse as well as possible. It has been a very hard year. I moved into my new apartment on August 9th, 2010 and moved into a room significantly smaller than my previous place. I was already depressed before moving and downgraded in many aspects. This was necessary as I switched jobs; however, I spent most of the last year in bed with an unorganized, messy room. I hate being unorganized, but I couldn't really do anything about it for nearly a year. I finally organized my room starting yesterday (July 22).

In my opinion, I am very good at observing myself. However, in the past few years, I have learned that it is best to get feedback from others to keep myself in line. When I detach from talking to others and delve into my own research, I need to be careful as when manic, I can increase rapidly to higher stages of mania. I have been trying for months to get very manic as I am most productive when manic.

Also, I am the founder of a Limited Liability Corporation. I run almost everything and generate little to no income when depressed. The LLC is a design company. I am the head designer (basically the sole employee, with a few exceptions). When I get a little bit manic, I am inspired by almost everything. Tidbits of conversation, new experiences, and certain triggers enable me to think productively outside the box. The extent of my mania will determine just how out of the box my thinking is at that moment. If I am manic and nearly off the scale, the out of the box thinking will be in the clouds and possibly disillusioned. This is the point where people stop to understand what I am talking about and my perceived effectiveness is much higher than my actual effectiveness.

Last year, I had a high perceived effectiveness when I was highly manic and doing research on the application of the Golden Ratio to the world of finance. I was also doing research on the application of the Golden Triangle in physics and its relation to fractals. I also researched how the Golden Triangle and fractals are referenced in religious texts (such as Romans 1:20). I started to create a theory with many connections before the point that I went off the scale and became delirious.

I am very cautious right now. I do not want to get out of control again. I am not on meds and let myself be supervised by a close circle of friends who do not know that I have manic depression. I find it hard to avoid this, as close family who know the full story have become very worried in the past, intensifying the depressive or manic effect. Hence, I have avoided telling close family when I am severely depressed or manic. I find this best.

I hit a low point on Sunday night (July 17), which might have led me into the manic stages. I was very numb on Monday (July 18) and embarrassed about what I did. On Tuesday (July 19), I was still very depressed. Furthermore, my eating and sleeping habits started to skew on Saturday (July 16). I couldn't eat for a long time after Saturday night. I had some waffles Saturday evening and did not eat again until Tuesday afternoon. That's right, I had no solid foods from Saturday evening until Tuesday evening. My sleep was really off as well. There was definitely a reason for this.

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I have a lot more on my mind, but I am kind of tired. I took roughly 8 Vivarins in the past 20 hours. I started getting manic yesterday and kept taking Vivarins in order to keep up the high. I was getting really productive and wanted to savor the moment. I completely redid my apartment, turned my room into a multi-level space, and cleaned up the common areas of my apartment for my roommates. I have been careful to stay away from the phone, Facebook, and have limited myself to outside elements.

I am greatly affected by changes in my diet. As I am now cognizant of this, I have been eating mostly vegan (and unprocessed) foods to keep my mind clear and my energy in the right place. I have also locked myself in my room for much of the time that I have been extremely manic, as I would prefer to harness productivity and limit and negative effects.

I have found that the best way to do this is to think about the inputs and outputs. Inputs are external stimuli. Outputs are things that I do personally that have visible effects to other people. Writing is an output as well; however, if I write something in a book and leave it in my room, it will not speed up my mania unless I post this to some sort of visible place (online or in person).

I am trying to limit my current outputs to verbal conversations with my roommates and this online community. I do not trust myself to Facebook at this time, as I would probably make a million posts and regret it later. Furthermore, Facebook has a tendency to bounce back in responses if you make a million posts.

I don't need that right now.

I feel pretty good. I know I need some sleep and am going to get some soon. My neighbor is out of town this week and asked me to take care of her Pomeranian dog. I walked the dog this morning and am going to head over next door and check up on the puppy to make sure everything is ok.

I'm so glad I finally hit mania. I'm just hoping that I don't overdo things. I have only hit +15 on my scale twice in my life. I had to be hospitalized both times when I hit this level of mania. I have also been hospitalized for the negative side, when hitting -15 on my scale once. I have one suicide attempt.

I am trying to be aware of extreme jumps on the scale. I am the most affected when I turn rapidly from -10 to +10 or the reverse. As I feel that I am at +11 now, I am trying to gradually turn down my energy and have a soft landing. I try to limit much of my external stimuli to religion and positive thinking. The more I pray and read the bible, the less I feel the positive and negative extremes.

My current plan is to try to stay manic, but keep it controlled. If I get too manic, I am going to lock myself in my room (with my phone off) and go to sleep. I have some sleeping pills that I will need to take if I am too manic to sleep on my own.

As a side note, I quit cigarettes after smoking for about a year. I smoked half a pack a day and then decided to quit on Wednesday (July 20). The first six hours was tough, but then I felt ok. I have only had two cigarettes since Wednesday. The one I had today wasn't even that great. The pack is sitting near me and I am not really even that interested in smoking cigarettes.

Cannabis is a whole different matter. I love mixing caffeine and cannabis to try to hit mania. It finally worked this week. I have experimented with different strains and this strain is working very well for me. I am efficient, productive, and very hygienic. I have an ounce of the stuff, so it should last me for roughly four weeks. I vaporize for the most part to minimize negative effects to my lungs and maximize potency.

I have eaten very healthy today and have been staying hydrated throughout the day. I'm going to wrap up this post: I'm at +11, I feel great, but I am slightly concerned as I know this is very high.

I'm ok guys. Don't worry about me!!

This is one of the stages I go through to bounce back to normal. I feel that for 3-4 years prior to last year's episode, I only experienced -6 to +6 on the scale. After I finish this productivity spurt, I should go back to normal.

Peace