Xavier has finally switched out for a few hours.

i don't really know what to make of this, except i know this relief is something that's unsettling and that i know shouldn't really be here. i know there's no "should" and "shouldn't" when it comes to our condition, but i (we?) still struggle with this extreme necessity to be normal and as average as possible. so i'm telling myself this relief shouldn't be here, but in i have to be honest.

it feels so good to finally be able to rest for a while. i still don't know how he does it, and i hate it, but anxiety is something that is just not in him. it feels so strange, weird, to observe him step outside in extremely bright hoodies and shoes and go to the supermarket and start conversations with cashiers like it's the most natural thing in the world. because it IS, and we know, but i (Mi) could never DREAM of waking up one morning without paralyzing social anxiety and the paranoia somebody's always watching my every movement and listening to my thoughts.

i know Xavier's got his issues, i know he drinks and smokes too much, he's loud, careless, restless and always bored, but i would give up all of myself to just be him for one day. and that sounds absurd to my own ears, since he IS me, and i'm him, we're the same thing, we share a brain and a body. but still, then why?

our T told me "that's why i think there's hope for you, because if he can do it, it means you can, too". how? i tried everything. she tells me that it's like a muscle i gotta exercise, and i will try. but it just seems to unfair. why can he and Angelo not give a $#%^ while i'm left with all this and then it's ME that has to deal with looking for jobs, give presentations, deal with actual people? it's got a meaning and a reason, but i'm still trying to fight it and deny.

this said, my brain feels quieter than ever. if it weren't for all the problems i make up in my own head about Xavier's behavior, if he laughed too much, talked inappropriately, been too inconsiderate, i'd be able to get some real rest.

it's been kind of a long time since we've been here. i guess the stabilization and integration is ongoing and we're not having any particular problems with it, but still, lately it's been worse. and not with the integration per se, but maybe because of it.

i (Mi) am out 95% of the time and have been for months now. this never happened with any of us these latest years, maybe only with Angelo when he was host, but i'm not sure about that.
quite honestly, it's becoming terrifying. i miss Angelo and Xavier like crazy in the sense that i feel overwhelmed and without support most of the time, and though this is helping me (and us) to grow up and take on all the adult responsibilities our life requires, it's still horrible and if i could make it stop, i would right away.
i've been front stuck for too much time and it's becoming basically only MY life when it should be OUR life. i don't want to live alone. i don't like living in the real world. there's stuff i feel i cannot deal with and i've been scared of everything lately.

i talked to the Guardian about it, who told me he's doing this for me, too. that he wouldn't ever let me get to the point of no return, and that i need to be strong and trust the process, but in all honesty i feel like he knows i'm just hating it. i really don't wanna live like this. i feel incomplete, i feel hollow, i feel all the ways i don't want to feel and that are unfamiliar to me, and there's no moment in which i can allow myself to get back inside my house and the inner world cause i feel like i never have any time and i'm terrified the other will just disappear and leave me alone without saying goodbye. i hate being kept in the dark.

JR's system and the littles are completely silent, too. have been for too much now. even one of them would somehow comfort me, but they never let their presence known because maybe they're integrating without me knowing?
i don't know anymore. i don't know anything anymore, and i feel like i lost my spark. maybe this can't compare to what Angelo had to go through for years and years, but it still sucks so bad i'm feeling myself spiralling into a state of depression and numbness that's just so strange and unknown.

i really don't know what to do. i really just want to go back to how things were before, when each of us didn't feel alone.

Strange time to be back. Something changed. The girl is the host now.
As for us... we're still here. In a weird, null space, in our house. Strange out here. Very strange indeed.
There's nothing about the situation that should have channeled us back here. I'm at a loss as for what to do.
Zero, Nathan are here. Leo is hiding, yet again.
We might need to figure this out, or we might not.
Strange time to wake up. Would just like to go back to sleep.

J.R.

we're slowly realizing we don't know much at all about us.

we don't know why the inner world is how it is, since we don't remember ever creating it. we don't remember how any one of us came to be. it feels like we've always been like this. the lines are always blurred, which isn't necessarily a bad thing considering we don't suffer from amnesia that much, but it's still unnerving. unnerving is the right word. we didn't know where all that anger and self-destructiveness came from, and every time we tend to forget we are even traumatized. the fact that every one of us came about differently, but we don't know how. we have never known how, there's only hypotheses.

loneliness for Angelo, passiveness and harmlessness for Mi, rebelliousness for Xavier. still, when did that happen? when did we split, why? why was there a need for so many people, why some of them seem to not even have any role at all? we've been asking the "why" question since we remember. we have been puzzled by our own behavior for as long as we can remember.

being separate is a blessing and a curse, always has been. we do feel alone, but never truly alone. we always have people looking, making sure our environment is safe 24/7, making sure our mind is safe. when we feel alone, it's horrible. it's like living in a tight-knit community on a small island in the middle of nowhere (which is ironically what our inner world looks like). so, when you feel alone, you really feel the only person in the world. the others do try to help, but it's never completely effective. last time we were high, we have suddenly felt like we were just one. it's the weirdest feeling in the world. how does one live as one? how does one remember everything that happens?

Angelo is, ironically, one of the ones we have more questions about. how does one feel so completely hopeless, empty, cold? how can he feel so numb, yet so full of everything ugly? it's like he's a dumpster for whatever we don't want to feel. he doesn't befriend anyone. he's terrorized of everything without even feeling anxious. he feels nothing about feeling everything, always. he hears every sound, every smell, every touch, his reflexes are impressive and his sense of danger is like a trained hound's. his muscles are always tense, despite him being still most of the time. he expects anyone and everyone to hurt. he's sure majority of the people we meet is just out for us and is only waiting for him to let his guard down. he's in so much pain it's unbearable sometimes. and the fact is, we don't know what is it that he needs. probably a friend, but his self-sabotaging is impressive when it comes to friendships. also, people are either scared of him, or pity him, which doesn't help their case for him. we really want him to stop feeling like a lone soldier, and we don't know how. it's even more horrible when he's the one that's been feeling like this all these years. he took the worst of it, and we are so sorry we can't do anything about it.

i'd (Mi) gladly take part of his sadness and fear if i could, but it seems the Guardian just thinks he needs to deal with it on his own. i really don't understand him... i never did. nobody understands the Guardian even when he seems he's pretty sure about what he's doing. i trust him, but it's hard to trust someone who cannot explain to you what their goal is.

we hope the EMDR session next time will do us some good.

it's been a while since we've been here.

in the end, we got our diagnosis of osdd. our therapist said that the symptoms are there, but that it looks like a disorder in remission so that we're not suffering that much from the symptoms of the osdd per se, so it's osdd in remission on paper. this happened months ago and we still can't believe we finally have a kind of proof we're not just role playing or something. it's so comforting to know someone knows what's going on and we're being treated as the being that we are rather than having to pretend we're one incoherent whole.

***tw: emotional abuse***

this said, we're slowly trying to break contacts with our abusive mother. especially lately, it's been worse and worse. it's becoming unbearable at times and we're always waiting for the next fight to come. we're still all good, but i feel ourselves slipping inside that frustrated, angry hole we found ourselves in before we moved out of the house. we cannot go back to living on our own before the summer, but we're definitely looking forward to it more than anything. we have all the priviledges we want here; no need to do groceries, to cook, to wash our clothes, we can focus on our studies. but i'd gladly give all of this back if this means not having to be gaslighted, ghosted, being mocked, being insulted, criticized, being told we're good only when we look good and behave passively and keep quiet. once we stop following orders, it all goes to hell.

we have to remind ourselves that's not love. that's not how we should be treated, doesn't matter how unimportant and unworthy we feel. we don't deserve this. doesn't matter how much she tells us we do. we don't. we don't deserve this treatment, and being treated like we have no agency of our own and we can always anticipate others' needs at the same time. that's not how human beings work.

we didn't tell her anything about the weird mental images about our neighbor. she doesn't need to know, just in case they're not true. they'd be very serious allegations, and we don't have nearly enough material to work with. nonetheless, we have repeatedly made her aware of our extreme uncomfortableness when it comes to him, but she let him in already two times, without even letting us know he was about to drop by. we've been creeped out both times, and closed ourselves in the bathroom both times. of course, she made it seem like it was no big deal and that she couldn't help it. i get her reasoning, but that just shows how our needs are just brushed aside to fit her own, every single time. she's so narcissistic she doesn't even care to ask what other people's opinions and feelings are. she just casually asks at times because that's how she's been raised; be polite, follow social rules. but she doesn't expect to be told "no". the implicit answer is, and will always be, "yes".

i'm only realizing this now that i see how our father and his wife treat our 1yo half-brother. we don't like her that much as a person, but she's a wonderful mother. she's just so patient, loving, non-threatening, reasoning with him. he doesn't understand what she says of course cause he's 1yo, but she explains and talks to him nonetheless. even when he's being bratty, no threats are made from her part. she's so calm and collected even when she's tired, you can see it in her eyes that she's just exhausted sometimes, but she keeps on smiling kindly at him and never puts the blame on him for anything he does that it's evident he cannot control. she makes him responsible and helpful without forcing him, without threatening him, without using her power to make him do things when it's clear he doesn't want to. she finds compromise.
we're always so scared to see them interact. we're so scared because we're sure there's going to be screaming and dismissal and neglect; that's what we've been so used to expecting. "seize the best moments you can find, because they won't last long", we found ourselves thinking...

[ Continued ]