it's been a while since we've been here.

in the end, we got our diagnosis of osdd. our therapist said that the symptoms are there, but that it looks like a disorder in remission so that we're not suffering that much from the symptoms of the osdd per se, so it's osdd in remission on paper. this happened months ago and we still can't believe we finally have a kind of proof we're not just role playing or something. it's so comforting to know someone knows what's going on and we're being treated as the being that we are rather than having to pretend we're one incoherent whole.

***tw: emotional abuse***

this said, we're slowly trying to break contacts with our abusive mother. especially lately, it's been worse and worse. it's becoming unbearable at times and we're always waiting for the next fight to come. we're still all good, but i feel ourselves slipping inside that frustrated, angry hole we found ourselves in before we moved out of the house. we cannot go back to living on our own before the summer, but we're definitely looking forward to it more than anything. we have all the priviledges we want here; no need to do groceries, to cook, to wash our clothes, we can focus on our studies. but i'd gladly give all of this back if this means not having to be gaslighted, ghosted, being mocked, being insulted, criticized, being told we're good only when we look good and behave passively and keep quiet. once we stop following orders, it all goes to hell.

we have to remind ourselves that's not love. that's not how we should be treated, doesn't matter how unimportant and unworthy we feel. we don't deserve this. doesn't matter how much she tells us we do. we don't. we don't deserve this treatment, and being treated like we have no agency of our own and we can always anticipate others' needs at the same time. that's not how human beings work.

we didn't tell her anything about the weird mental images about our neighbor. she doesn't need to know, just in case they're not true. they'd be very serious allegations, and we don't have nearly enough material to work with. nonetheless, we have repeatedly made her aware of our extreme uncomfortableness when it comes to him, but she let him in already two times, without even letting us know he was about to drop by. we've been creeped out both times, and closed ourselves in the bathroom both times. of course, she made it seem like it was no big deal and that she couldn't help it. i get her reasoning, but that just shows how our needs are just brushed aside to fit her own, every single time. she's so narcissistic she doesn't even care to ask what other people's opinions and feelings are. she just casually asks at times because that's how she's been raised; be polite, follow social rules. but she doesn't expect to be told "no". the implicit answer is, and will always be, "yes".

i'm only realizing this now that i see how our father and his wife treat our 1yo half-brother. we don't like her that much as a person, but she's a wonderful mother. she's just so patient, loving, non-threatening, reasoning with him. he doesn't understand what she says of course cause he's 1yo, but she explains and talks to him nonetheless. even when he's being bratty, no threats are made from her part. she's so calm and collected even when she's tired, you can see it in her eyes that she's just exhausted sometimes, but she keeps on smiling kindly at him and never puts the blame on him for anything he does that it's evident he cannot control. she makes him responsible and helpful without forcing him, without threatening him, without using her power to make him do things when it's clear he doesn't want to. she finds compromise.
we're always so scared to see them interact. we're so scared because we're sure there's going to be screaming and dismissal and neglect; that's what we've been so used to expecting. "seize the best moments you can find, because they won't last long", we found ourselves thinking from time to time. every time he does something bratty, we physically feel our muscles tense up. we're terrified. our first instinct is to pick him up and place him behind us, protect him.
but every time, nothing happens. she just looks at him and patiently, calmly, tells him "that's not how we do things", and corrects him. that's so alien for us to watch. so unfamiliar. we're so scared, all the time. we've been conditioned to be scared when we only hear a sigh. when we hear a step that's too hard on the floor. we know someone's angry, and it's our fault. they're going to take it out on us simply because we exist.

***end tw***

it makes us feel so indignant. so angry. we don't know what to do with all this anger... we don't. our T tells us to try to let go, but it's so hard when it's there every day.

Hello and welcome back! Glad to hear about the Dx- I know that feels 'good', so to speak, that you have it official now. Hoping you get out of the situation you're in soon- I take it that you will have to finish your studies first?

hello and thank you for your concern! having the diagnosis does indeed feel good. we would have never thought it would come a time where our struggles could have a name.
we're stuck in our home country because of the pandemic, waiting for the university to open again. we'll do everything we can to move again around june, when our exams will be over for this year, but it all depends on the countries' covid rules and stuff... we'll be able to go back though. we just have to be patient.
hope you're doing well.

As well as can be expected- thank you!