The past two days I've had really good days. I had a really good therapy appointment, and I actually challenged myself to eat more throughout the day (which is a HUGE improvement). Work went really really well too- just a few more days until I get promoted from training!!

Over the course of the past few months, as I've started the slow process of recovery, I've noticed two very different ways that my friends reacted to how I told them, and how they chose to support me with my recovery.

1- This group of friends all pretty much reacted the same way-- very very VERY proactive and wanting to support me as much as they could. They started checking up on me regularly, if I ignored their calls they would make sure that I wasn't doing anything to harm myself, asked me what I had to eat that day and how much, asking how I was doing mentally, etc etc. These friends were/are very beneficial in the sense that I knew that I'd have to answer to them if I did something that I wasn't supposed to do (like skip eating for a day). They also knew the most about every single thing that went on with me, so they knew how to help me the best. Or they knew what was wrong with me at a single glance. These friends also proved to be kind of detrimental to me. Anorexia is a mental disorder about control- being able to control the different aspects of your life through the scape-goat of food. At least, at the core that's what it is, along with an altered sense of beauty and self-image. So, having your best friends control every single aspect of your life by kindly "forcing" you to report to them about every single thing you do? That feeds the disorder even more. Because my friends are "helping me" I start telling myself-- Since I'm not allowed to control myself anymore, I'll just let my friends control me. Tell me how to eat...tell me when to sleep...tell me how to think...tell me basically how to live at the most basic level of existance.

2- These friends all reacted in a very different way than the friends before. They really didn't say much at all- in fact at first I didn't even know if they cared at all or not (which opened a whole new can of worms in my head...thinking my friends didn't care about me..didn't want me around, etc etc.). Before long, however, it was clear that they did/do, in fact, care deeply about me and what I'm trying to overcome. But they decided to take a different approach to supporting me- not saying much or pushing things out of me at all. Their approach is-- "let her come to us when she's ready. Let's not force her." This gets rid of the whole control thing that I mentioned earlier (which is a VERY good thing). I don't have to worry about seeking their control or their approval through food and my lifestyle. However, with these friends, because they don't ask, I have a tendancy to resort to another aspect of the disorder: living in secrecy and hiding absolutely everything. With these friends, I will go days, weeks, even months without telling them what's going on or what kinds of things I struggle with. I don't tell them if I've eaten, I don't tell them if I'm having a particularly bad day or struggling with suicidal thoughts, I don't tell them that I need a buddy to go eat lunch with because otherwise I won't do it at all....I don't tell them anything. And then, I start getting really really paranoid, thinking "What if they find out?!?!?" And then I start hiding more and more and more...all the while they can kind of guess what's going on and yet they sit there patiently waiting for me to confide in them.

I wish I could find a support friend that fits both-- one who won't control me, yet also not completely leave me alone so I can completely ruin my life on my own.

Today I had one of my "good days" . Wanting to get better, making an effort to actually fight what my head says and do what I know I need to do, etc. I sat down and forced myself to try and eat a turkey sandwich for over 1/2 hour and I ate....maybe...3/4 of it? more than half, which is my usual stopping point. But I felt so sick and whatever that I couldn't do it any more and had to force myself not to go purge it all out of my system. Still, I was proud for sticking with it longer than I wanted to.

I also packed a "filling" meal (aka shrimp fettuccine pasta stuff and asparagus) for my break at work today. That was a very good step (even though I didn't finish it all. Still a very very good step, since the past..5 days or so I have only brought...crackers and a sandwich?).

I did chew gum twice today-- gum for me is the only way I can deal with it all. I figure, it's better than smoking, gives me a way to control how twichy and jittery I get when I'm around food, etc. The only problem is that I can also use it as a way to curb my appetite, which is not good. So that's why I keep track of how much I chew, just in case I start noticing a pattern and it gets out of control.

Over all, I'm very proud of myself today.

Well I figured that instead of blowing up the entire forum, I'd just type/rant/whatever here.

I go through stages it seems like. Sometimes I want help, try as hard as I can to get better, even though it is really hard, and things go really well. Sometimes, however, I start getting really really down, then I don't want to get better, and I start hating the world and not wanting anyone to ever get close to me. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs "GO AWAY. JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE. I'M FINE. JUST LEAVE ME BE." It's during these kinds of times that my "bad thoughts" really come on strong. Going from pointing out every single flaw I've ever had in my entire life and mocking me for them, telling me I'm worthless, or telling me how fat/wide/gross I am. When I'm in my "right mind" I know these thoughts aren't true. I know that I'm not fat. Not ugly. But right now, I just can't believe it.

I don't want to get better. I want to stay as I am. Get people off my back. Just crawl in a hole and die. I almost walked into the middle of downtown traffic so I'd get hit by a car today...

I just want to cry. I want people to freaking leave me alone. Quit making such a big deal about if I don't eat. I want to quit therapy- stop the doctors visits. Hide from my family and friends. Ignore everyone and just move on with my life.

WHY AM I SO HUNGRY? I ate today. Stupid freaking food journal proves that much. I feel sick too. It's taken everything i have not to start purging. You have no idea how much I'd love to....but I know that my friends/family would never ever let me out of their sight if I did. Every. Time. I. Eat. I want to get rid of the food.

Food is so unneccessary (logical brain: "No, it's not. You know you need it." Ed:"Yeah, right. People skip meals all the time and it's no big deal.") WHY is it such a struggle?