Well I figured that instead of blowing up the entire forum, I'd just type/rant/whatever here.

I go through stages it seems like. Sometimes I want help, try as hard as I can to get better, even though it is really hard, and things go really well. Sometimes, however, I start getting really really down, then I don't want to get better, and I start hating the world and not wanting anyone to ever get close to me. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs "GO AWAY. JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE. I'M FINE. JUST LEAVE ME BE." It's during these kinds of times that my "bad thoughts" really come on strong. Going from pointing out every single flaw I've ever had in my entire life and mocking me for them, telling me I'm worthless, or telling me how fat/wide/gross I am. When I'm in my "right mind" I know these thoughts aren't true. I know that I'm not fat. Not ugly. But right now, I just can't believe it.

I don't want to get better. I want to stay as I am. Get people off my back. Just crawl in a hole and die. I almost walked into the middle of downtown traffic so I'd get hit by a car today...

I just want to cry. I want people to freaking leave me alone. Quit making such a big deal about if I don't eat. I want to quit therapy- stop the doctors visits. Hide from my family and friends. Ignore everyone and just move on with my life.

WHY AM I SO HUNGRY? I ate today. Stupid freaking food journal proves that much. I feel sick too. It's taken everything i have not to start purging. You have no idea how much I'd love to....but I know that my friends/family would never ever let me out of their sight if I did. Every. Time. I. Eat. I want to get rid of the food.

Food is so unneccessary (logical brain: "No, it's not. You know you need it." Ed:"Yeah, right. People skip meals all the time and it's no big deal.") WHY is it such a struggle?