I'm 23 years old, and dx w/ a mood disorder (aka Bipolar II NOS) and severe anxiety. I have BA in psychology, and I am currently studying for the GRE and applying for PhD programs in the Fall. A little over a year ago, I experienced my first real depression. Since then I have tried Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Klonopin, Ativan, and Seroquel. Seroquel and Ativan worked for about 8 months… but recently I feel like I have lost myself. I don’t know what is ‘normal’ anymore b/c I am all over the place, and I can’t control my mercurial moods. I could never control the depression, anxiety, or hypomania, but I used to be able to clearly decipher a normal mood from an abnormal mood. Over the past month or so, I have been spinning out of control and rapidly cycling from one mood to another. I don't experience just 3 moods: mania, normal, and depression; it's so much more complex. Sometimes I even experience two or more different moods in one day. I have psychoanalyzed myself and I have come up with six distinct moods:

1. The manageable but lousy mood: This is a typical okay mood. I'm fine, a little bored, but I can uphold all of my responsibilities, and fake happy pretty easily. Nothing really seems to excite me, and nothing is a huge burden either; it’s just kinda lousy. I’m not as imaginative and witty; I’m much more serious, irritable, and nervous. I don't want to stay in, but don't want to go out either; I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to force myself to go hang out with people. I self medicate w/ alcohol more when I’m in this mood. If this is my ‘normal’ it sucks.... Here I'm a little creative, a little productive, a little funny, etc. It’s manageable, but lousy, and activities aren’t as much fun as normally.
2. The good, genuinely happy mood: This mood will often occur for a brief part of the day, but never lasts as long as I want it to. I consider this to be my 'normal' state. It's when I feel my best. I'm not extremely up nor down; I just feel good. I don't have to be doing anything exciting. I just feel like me. I'm happy, creative, talkative, and productive. I think clearly, and I’m very carefree and laidback. I may still have stressors, but I just try to deal with them the best I can. I miss this mood; where is everything so difficult now. I can control myself here. (This is how I felt last weekend when I got out of town and went to Texas). Buuuuut I don't get to feel this way for very long... the good mood usually switches back to the manageable, but lousy mood or it increases to hypomania that I can't control (or may not even realize it's happening)...
3. The mildly manic/hypomanic mood: This mood usually happens at night. It randomly occurs. At first I feel awesome and invincible. It's fun and more exciting than normal. I get more talkative and way louder. People usually have to tell me to calm down or be quiet. I'm alert and excitable, and I can get everything I need to do done and still go out and party. I don't sleep as much these nights. When in this mood, I often wake up the next morning thinking "oh my god I was so ridiculous last night haha..." This modd can be pretty exhausting. After hypomania, I usually spiral into either one of the levels of anxiety or a phlegmatic, dull, and terrible bore...
4. The Agitated mood: There are three different types of this mood, but they all turn me into introverted, weak, scared and severely agitated Lauren. This usually occurs after a hypomanic episode, and I will usually still have the same high energy level. I usually am so high strung I can’t relax, and have an extremely difficult time trying to sleep. I suddenly become a reclusive hermit and I do not want to talk to anyone. It’s like I’m afraid, but I don’t know what I am afraid of. I will ignore all phone calls, and withdraw myself from society. There are three different types of agitation: (a) mania with anxiety, which I haven’t experienced since before starting the Seroquel. This anxiety is still very ...

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