I'm 23 years old, and dx w/ a mood disorder (aka Bipolar II NOS) and severe anxiety. I have BA in psychology, and I am currently studying for the GRE and applying for PhD programs in the Fall. A little over a year ago, I experienced my first real depression. Since then I have tried Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Klonopin, Ativan, and Seroquel. Seroquel and Ativan worked for about 8 months… but recently I feel like I have lost myself. I don’t know what is ‘normal’ anymore b/c I am all over the place, and I can’t control my mercurial moods. I could never control the depression, anxiety, or hypomania, but I used to be able to clearly decipher a normal mood from an abnormal mood. Over the past month or so, I have been spinning out of control and rapidly cycling from one mood to another. I don't experience just 3 moods: mania, normal, and depression; it's so much more complex. Sometimes I even experience two or more different moods in one day. I have psychoanalyzed myself and I have come up with six distinct moods:

1. The manageable but lousy mood: This is a typical okay mood. I'm fine, a little bored, but I can uphold all of my responsibilities, and fake happy pretty easily. Nothing really seems to excite me, and nothing is a huge burden either; it’s just kinda lousy. I’m not as imaginative and witty; I’m much more serious, irritable, and nervous. I don't want to stay in, but don't want to go out either; I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to force myself to go hang out with people. I self medicate w/ alcohol more when I’m in this mood. If this is my ‘normal’ it sucks.... Here I'm a little creative, a little productive, a little funny, etc. It’s manageable, but lousy, and activities aren’t as much fun as normally.
2. The good, genuinely happy mood: This mood will often occur for a brief part of the day, but never lasts as long as I want it to. I consider this to be my 'normal' state. It's when I feel my best. I'm not extremely up nor down; I just feel good. I don't have to be doing anything exciting. I just feel like me. I'm happy, creative, talkative, and productive. I think clearly, and I’m very carefree and laidback. I may still have stressors, but I just try to deal with them the best I can. I miss this mood; where is everything so difficult now. I can control myself here. (This is how I felt last weekend when I got out of town and went to Texas). Buuuuut I don't get to feel this way for very long... the good mood usually switches back to the manageable, but lousy mood or it increases to hypomania that I can't control (or may not even realize it's happening)...
3. The mildly manic/hypomanic mood: This mood usually happens at night. It randomly occurs. At first I feel awesome and invincible. It's fun and more exciting than normal. I get more talkative and way louder. People usually have to tell me to calm down or be quiet. I'm alert and excitable, and I can get everything I need to do done and still go out and party. I don't sleep as much these nights. When in this mood, I often wake up the next morning thinking "oh my god I was so ridiculous last night haha..." This modd can be pretty exhausting. After hypomania, I usually spiral into either one of the levels of anxiety or a phlegmatic, dull, and terrible bore...
4. The Agitated mood: There are three different types of this mood, but they all turn me into introverted, weak, scared and severely agitated Lauren. This usually occurs after a hypomanic episode, and I will usually still have the same high energy level. I usually am so high strung I can’t relax, and have an extremely difficult time trying to sleep. I suddenly become a reclusive hermit and I do not want to talk to anyone. It’s like I’m afraid, but I don’t know what I am afraid of. I will ignore all phone calls, and withdraw myself from society. There are three different types of agitation: (a) mania with anxiety, which I haven’t experienced since before starting the Seroquel. This anxiety is still very painful, powerful, and controlling; however, I have crazy energy and can divert most of the anxiety to a project. For example, one weekend when I felt like this, I didn’t leave my apartment or talk to anyone all weekend, but I started and finished five or six books; (b) listless indifference with anxiety is the most common anxiety type I experience. It usually occurs at night or on a random day. I will feel uncomfortably tense, and I will lock up my back and neck so tight. Usually I am physically exhausted, but mentally wide awake. It is horrible b/c I can't sleep, my mind won't shut-up, thoughts racing, can't relax, panic attack; and (c) the debilitating anxiety is the most controlling and the hardest to explain. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING when I feel like this. I literally do not get out of bed for two days when this hits me. My whole body will tense up, and I honestly can’t move. My mind races and I feel like I'm going mad or insane. This type of anxiety can really mess me up. I may miss work or something b/c of it. The weekend before Atlanta, I was supposed to babysit, and I couldn’t go. I know it sounds crazy saying that I ‘couldn’t’ go, but it oddly controlled me and debilitated me. I couldn’t even answer my phone when they called me worried about my safety. It’s the weirdest type of anxiety, b/c it makes me act so unlike my normal behavior, and it’s terrifying that it can control me like that. The only thing that got me out of bed that weekend was the police knocking on my door Sunday morning. Dr. Prince had called the police to check on me. I emailed her and told her that I’m in a sexual assault case, and I was having to go to ATL to deal w/ it, and I had no idea that it would affect me like it did….
5. Emotionless/Lifeless: Blah, blah, blah...This is by far the worst mood, I don’t even feel like I am alive on these days, which is probably why I'm kind of afraid of mood stabilizers b/c I am afraid of feeling NOTHING. Nothing feels good and nothing feels bad; it's just miserable. I am sooooo bored; I can't think at all; I can't read anything; I can't even really watch a movie. This mood usually only lasts for a day or two; I don’t think I could handle feeling this way much longer than that. When I feel like this, I just want to take ambien and go to sleep for 2 days, or however long it lasts. I need to feel emotions and sensations; even pain feels better than nothing. Lord Bryon explains this emotionless mood; he said, "If I must sail let it be on the ocean no matter how stormy- anything but a dull cruise on a level lake without ever losing sight of the same insipid shores by which it is surrounded."
6. Depression: I've really only felt true depression once. Last summer I had my first depressive episode. It was unbearable. I had no energy, I was hopeless, and I had no idea how long it would last. It destroyed me and it destroyed my relationship. I felt so miserable, and there was nothing anyone could do to fix it. I just had to wait. It was the most painful three weeks I have ever experienced, and I now understand why some people just can’t do it any longer. Although it hurt like hell, I really think being able to feel the pain helped me get through it. As long as I could still think, cry, and love, I didn’t give up.

I told my psychiatrist this, and he took me off of my Adderall (that I have been taking for 6 years), and he increased my Ativan dosage, and put me on my first mood stabilizer- Depakote. I’m pissed about him taking me off Adderall-- he said he doesn’t want to prescribe it to me until I’m tested by another psychiatrist b/c he thinks it is playing with my anxiety levels. I understand his reasoning, but I’m going to fall and hit rock bottom this next month…..

This is my first time writing on this forum and I want to be as honest as possible and get feedback.

Hi Depends!
I read your entry b/c your being a psy student, like me, caught my eye. Holey shamoley! I just want to tell you that I am in ABSOLUTE awe of how you're able to clearly define your moods. I am blown away. You are INCREDIBLY self-aware. I just got dx'd with Cyclothymia last month, but have suffered from MDD and GAD my entire life... and STILL am unable to nail down or clearly describe my moods (I think I spend most of my time trying to just survive them...lol). I'm on a mood stabilizer and it seemed to calm me from that 'all over the place' mood rollercoaster you're on right now. I hope you find a med combo that works for you. Meds are so trial and error, which can be exceedingly frustrating. But for 23, you REALLY are amazingly in touch with your moods. I really want to commend you for that. Knowing ourselves is sometimes half the battle so that we can accurately quantify our emotions to the pdocs. I really am blown away with your post... and you've just inspired me to start keeping more careful track of my moods.

Thanks for a GREAT posting and I wish you luck in trying to sort out a meds combo that gets things a bit more under control for you.

Hugs,
Koshka

Thank you. I wish I didn't have to be so aware haha... I'm scared though. I'm sure you being a psy major yourself, you can understand. My biggest fear is that this will prevent me from doing everything that I want to do in life....

This weekend was a rough one. I missed work on firday and didn't get out of bed until now... (That means went to sleep Thursday night, and didn't get up until Sat afternoon.) I can't stand it! I'm not me, and I'm confused...

I want to do clinical psychology, and I know that it is my calling... but can I make it there???? Can I help people when I can't even seem to help myself?

Also, I've been wanting to start a blog about psychology and psychoanalysis, but I don't know how honest to be. I want to intrigue readers, but I also want it to be something on a bit of a professional level that maybe I could share w/ grad school interviews... any pointers or examples????

Hi, coming late to your post but feeling tears come to my eyes as I read it, recognising moods that you are describing and which my partner with cyclothymia has also described in detail. They too tore us apart: he cycled through depression, then numbness and decided that because he wasn't feeling anything any more about me that we must be through.

I really feel for you. The sense of helplessness is the most distressing thing for me from the other side: wanting to help, not being able to. And the inevitable side effects like arguments, breakups which it's so hard to avoid even when you know what's going on.