My roomie's sister was over and playing on the net. I had no idea what she was looking at. When I went to get on the computer, there were tabs that shouldn't have been there. I lost it, totally. I think I went overbaord on my reaction. I just feel bad for her, but also don't know where those tabs came from. I feel like I may have lost my roommate over this, but I hope not. I talked with the girl the next day and she was understandably angry with me. I said do you understand why I reacted that way? She said she was told and understood. I told the teen that I really like her and want her to come visit again. I hope it all smoothes over, but not sure it will.

I have been going through my mom's things to give away during the day. However at night I have nightmares about my mom being hurt or dying. I wake up crying. I am so sad she is gone. Although sometimes i can remember how she would hug me and smile at me, which helps me feel a little better. I never want to forget that.

I am still having a hard time with my depression. It seems to come and go though. At one moment I will be ok and others I need help. I am not doing well with friendships right now. I have a few trigger words that people don't know about. It makes it hard to talk sometimes because to everyone else they are ordinary words, but if I am having a bad day, they seem to cause me anxiety. People don't know if I am struggling or not, they also don't know which words or phrases to avoid, so my odd behavior has caused some issues. I wish i could just be normal. Deb

It has been incredibly tough this week and I am glad to be here. I wasn't able to do very much because I was having to see so many counselors. i still have three apts. next week, maybe four. It depends on how bad i get. I hope I have been through the worst of it. Depression is so hard to manage. I don't do a good job of managing it. I wish that i didn't feel so lifeless. Deb

My blogs are all very honest. I feel that is the only way I can get better. Last night I lost all hope of getting better and wanted to stop the emotions. I was going to make the biggest decision of my life. I wanted to end it. I am sad to say that now. I know the statistics about people who struggle with emotions and why prolong the inevitable, besides, I wanted to see my mom so so bad. I was alone in the house and a message comes up on my screen. It said that this feeling will pass and to pray. I thought about it for a moment and said what better thing to do than pray at the end. So I said the Lord's Prayer, but couldn't remember all the words, so I had to keep restarting. By the time I got through it all, I thought about my xanax. I took four of them and thought, I will give this a chance. By the time It worked I was a little better. I laid down in bed and had known that an angel spoke to me through a private message. God's timing is not our timing. He gave me another way out with the medication. I am so sorry to anyone I wrote a note to about this terrible place I was in. I am so thankful for someone taking the time to respond. So now I am here, not perfectly well, but have a greater understanding of how powerful God is and now know there is another way out of all the tough emotions. It may be harder and bumpier, but it is not my will but God's Will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Amen.