dream

i am living in an apartment from an old converted house. you know , the kind that has twenty layers of paint and storage in nonsense places. i am living with some lady that i don't know. she moves out and i rent the apartment in the basement. i meet some neighbors up on the second floor and realize that the steps go higher.
i decide to go up these steps to see where it leads and there is a very small apartment with some guy living in it. he opens the door and tells me there are more abandoned apartments upstairs. i follow the last set of stairs and end up in what is a seemingly never ending set of apartments. there is an atrium in the middle and what must be hundreds of apartments. i go home. my landlord comes over and tells me not to go up the stairs because it is dangerous. and she doesn't want me to get hurt.
i end up moving up into the second level of the house. i go on another trip up the stairs out of curiosity and find rooms full of old furniture and all kinds of things. now the landlord is helping me lower furniture by rope and pulley down through the atrium to the bottom. i leave go outside and it is night time so i take a walk through town.
not sure if it had any significant meaning.

i have a friend that lives in the same building as me.
she is bipolar, schiz-effective, raped, molested, and a slew of other problems.
she comes over sometimes and we talk about what she has going on in her life.
i have come to the conclusion that she takes on different problems as you present them.
she once asserted between words that i was "a bad man" and then tried to get me to look at porn with her. i do not care for porn as it is fake as it is disgusting. i like my ladies real and pretty, not torn apart at the seams and dripping mascara. i know she has a crush on me but this is not the way to appease me. i came up with an excuse as to why she needed to leave. is she taking on symptoms and role playing? it worries me when she gets ideas like this because earlier this month her and another girl she hangs with accused a guy of rape and put an expartee on him. they were trying to get him evicted...

when asked about what happened she easily tells me and has this sickening smile on her face.
she is excited by it. but she doesn't forget to emulate sadness and pain. its like a switch.
fair enough to say, i minimize contact even though we still talk sometimes when she needs someone to talk to. she called up today and asked for some kitty litter deodorizer and if i would bring it to her apartment (she screwed up her leg somehow). i brought the deodorizer down and even brought her a can of coke. i knocked on her door and she said to come on in so i did. she knows i do not like social situations i am unaware of. here she is with this humongous "slow guy" that just started glaring away at me. i am a typical guy when it comes to this kind of thing. i ignored his chest beating like he hadn't even presented himself. this always throws them off. he literally scratched his head...

i guess what i am seeing is that she lacks the capacity to feel in the ordinary sense. And, she further supports my conclusion by emulating distress and trying to put me into situations. she lacks the ability to have foresight and use higher reasoning even though she is smart. this makes her easily manipulated. of course it is not policy for me to do this to a friend.

i enjoy seeing how she works. it gives me something to think about. i realize that on the inside and once you get past a certain level of friendship with her, she is self serving violent and manipulative.
she has more restraining orders out that she has incited than i have hair on my butt. i often tell her that it is not that her boyfriends are bad but that they are in a bad situation and that she should learn not to be so "dependent on them". the truth is that she gets them to move in with her and then drops that hammer once they are settled in.

the last guy she kicked out and filed against was at the library the other day. his head was swollen up like a basket ball for some reason (allergen?). she is somehow scared that he will try to force her to overdose her meds all at once. he doesn't even have a place to live. she isn't satisfied unless her worms wiggle! lol!

she is a conversation level friend...

i had a dream last night.
my ex-girlfriend that i have been separated now for for ten years was at the hospital.
they cut off one of her legs and gave it to me. why? i haven't a clue...
i tucked it under my arm ant went to dispose of it but when i looked at it, it was a leg sized chicken wing.
i somehow ended up in a four story house where there were different businesses on each floor.
i ran into the house to evade the police and ended up in the back room where they were cooking for the small restaurant in front. a waiter came up to me and asked me what i had. he then proceeded to call the police. i ran up a nearby set of stairs hiding parts of the now disintegrating chicken wing in vents and under things.
the next thing i know, i still have the chicken wing but i am at the side of a street at night still trying to hide it under a huge pile of garbage. there is someone next to me telling me that i cannot hide it there. we stand there discussing what to do with it and end up moving what seems to be two of them now. i stop to sit down in what appears to be some kind of community center. people are in a huge line waiting to get a serving of food. i must wait until they are done.
end of dream

i live my life standing in the shadows of society.
observing
taking things apart
i am a hollow shell with no weight upon the world
no recourse
no disdain
you will find me in dark corners, empty rooms, and at the end of long hallways.
flick the candle and feel my breath as i race around you.
call my name in the darkness for i consume you.
shed a tear and i will caress you.
i am the shadow man.

lol, i suck...

hello,

i am a 40 year old schizophrenic with social phobias.
i have taken multiple IQ and psychological tests only to be amazed at my lack of display of incapacity.
i hear voices all day every day and they are as devilish as they are smart.
i fear connection on a social level that beats my positive symptoms hands down.

up lately i have decided that it must be my higher functioning that is at fault. i am very analytical in nature and have to take everything apart. this gives me an intellectual advantage over many people.
however it is apparent that i do not effectively manage my abilities. i see how things work while others decide whether or not the information is useful to them. i find everything useful. when i express myself to others and communicate with them, they become introverted (role reversal). i do not wish this to happen and feel that everyone should be on level ground. is it therefore really a matter of higher thought or a difference in drive?
what was the question?
why must i be so blind?