I hate being a slug.

You're considered terrible even by the person that treats everyone nicely. Like, there has to be something really wrong with you if that nice person doesn't like you. ****They don't even fake-like you. It's being socially doomed to unlikeableness. It's having your reputation speak for you. It's not being given a chance. Not that I would ever take one. I think I secretly love being pitied.****That's sick.

Why is it so easy for me to dislike people? You're too bubbly. Immediate dislike. Too bland. Dislike. Too into sports. Dislike. Too aggressive. Dislike. Too loud. Dislike. I'm waaay too picky. Even people like Jennifer Lawrence annoy me. There's just something about really likeable people that makes me averse to them. Maybe I'm just jealous. ****probably. I only feel 2 things towards people: apathy and dislike. Nah, that's not completely true. I can feel mildy comfortable with certain people. Rare, but it happens. I can also respect people like people who are really smart, funny in a clever way, artistic, honest, etc.. But besides that, there isn't much. People who are considered nice by many people are a red flag. Probably because it would hurt me way more for someone that is widely considered a kind person to dislike me than medium nice people. Like, you're not capable of redemption. Not even in the eyes of the "aww, she/he is so sweet!" Wow, I'm paranoid aren't I?

Merging equals becoming obsessive, this mostly applies to people I get really bad crushes on. It also happened with one girl that tried to befriend me. We had one really long conversation, probably the longest one I've ever had face-2-face with someone that isn't my immediate family. I couldn't sleep that night. So ridiculous. I rarely project with strangers. Do I? Well, maybe if they dress like me. But once I get an idea of what their personality is like, I'll dislike them. It's pretty much impossible to find someone that won't talk smack behind your back. For some reason I find it easier to trust males than females. Even though their just as likely to betray you. There I go making generalizations again. Why is it so bizarre to think that I can fully trust some people? There has to be people one can trust, right?

I wanna be as honest as possible in these blog entries. ****I shall lay it all out. ****All the spiders in my mind, all the things I never said.. Anyway, projecting myself onto someone else is a way for me to merge myself with that person. Projecting means merging. Merging equals becoming obsessive.