Today's been good. Despite awful weather, I haven't been upset at all today. I don't even have a reason to be content, but I am. That's great!

I thought I had two classes today. But it turns out, one of them, I was apparently never registered for. I'm going to check up on that. It would be nice to opt out of it, however. That's a lot of responsibility for me.

I haven't seen my crush today and I have only shallowly thought of him or looked for a chance to see him. Now he feels just like a normal person to me. Like every other guy I see and would totally have sex with but who I don't care about because I barely know them.

I'm gonna go take my afternoon Adderall but then idk what I'll do it's raining. Maybe I shouldn't take it bc it'll make me more restless. Or maybe it'll help me find something to do.

Today has been really nice. It's been up and down, but I have not felt terribly insecure or sad all day, and that is a blessing.

I saw Dylan today when I was sitting on the bus. He was walking back to campus. I decided it was go time and I got off that bus and followed him until I could catch up. When I got close, I tapped him on the shoulder. I felt sick, like I could puke. I was so nervous! I said "yo" and he said "'sup?" and I think I might have said not much. For a while, nothing else was said. I walked by his side and just appreciated that our steps were in sync despite us not talking. Our brains were connected. I don't even think I was trying to do it, which I have done in the past with other people.

After a while I asked for his attention and apologized for calling him so many times, he said it was cool. We then talked about some stuff, like I asked his last name and his major. I asked him what he wanted to do when he grew up, and we talked about whether it was better to be unrealistic or realistic. I was in favor of unrealistic while he was contrary to that. Nothing was decided on the matter.

He is a chemical engineering major and dreams of perhaps discovering an element or inventing a polymer or something.

He didn't ask anything about me but I don't mind. I'm actually hoping to outgrow him. I needed reason to think he was still available to me and that's what I got. I'm not going to rock the boat anymore.

And in the morning, I climbed your tree and flew away.

Today I talked to a few people about my tuition situation. Though there is no way to get the hold lifted until I pay, the man at res life told me he'd do what he could to make sure I got what I wanted. I kind of think he was flirting with me.

When he told me there was no way to lift the hold, I threatened to drop out and become a serial killer.

And then he asked if it'd been a hard semester and I had him in the palm of my hand.

I was in a really good mood today, but it's fizzled as I keep thinking of how Dylan hasn't reciprocated my interest. I called him today and he didn't answer. I went to his door twice. Both times, I swear I heard something stirring in there, but no one answered. It could have been something making background noise, because the sound was mostly the same both times.

But still, I fear he's avoiding me. I wish I could have a sit down with him and just get everything out on the table. He could tell me he wants nothing to do with me. I just want to know. And if he were to respectfully end whatever this is, I would respect his wish and let it rest. All I demand is respect.

The second time I went to his door, I heard the sound inside and I got really agitated at the thought of being ignored so I kicked the door as to scare whoever it was. I walked away like idgaf and no one answered which supports the thesis that no one was there.

I think this is an obsession. Obsessions aren't logical, they have no answers.

It just makes it worse that sometimes he's nice to me, even interested in what I have to say. He remembers when we exchanged numbers, he remembered that I was doing the dodgeball tournament. WHY CAN'T HE REMEMBER TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

I feel like a psycho, being obsessed with a person. I'm awful. I'm the worst kind of person; I can't take a hint! I hate people who can't take hints! Or maybe I'm taking hints that aren't there, which is comparatively better but still awful. I just wish a guy would pay attention to me. I'm so lonely! I regress sometimes, but thankfully it's never in the form of tantrums (unless I do it without realizing). I never threw tantrums as a child. Sometimes I regress, and I just lay on the floor in the fetal position.I was a very docile child.

But honestly I feel like I'm retarded or something for liking him so much even though he probably hates me. He and his roommates probably make fun of my voice or my face whenever I come to the door. He probably has me saved in his phone as #######1. He probably has tons of girls after him and he's boasting about how he's so great even a guy wants him. Well guess what, punk; it doesn't mean anything! I'm insane!

The RA's avoid me now, probably because his RA told them all that I was stalking him. I wasn't stalking him, I was looking for ways to get closer to him. I never followed him anywhere. I only took what I was given. But still, he's perfect and I'm the black sheep gay kid who's off his rocker, so I'm guilty.

I just think we could have such a good future together, and I don't have anyone to replace him with in my dreams. I don't know what to do. I wish I could commit a pseudo-attempt and have him save me. I wish he would visit me in the hospital. I wish I wasn't so detestable.

I distract myself from him by making myself look as good as I can. Today was warm so I wore shorts and they were pretty short and I felt like a socialite or something. I really am attractive. I just wish I gave off the inviting vibe that it seems everyone else does.

So it wasn't the library fine that was keeping me from registering for classes and also signing up for residence next semester. It's outstanding tuition.

I am trying to be calm for this but it's eating away at me because there is nothing I can do about it. I called my mom, and she says she'll do what she can to pay it as soon as possible. I guess that's what I need. It's just so much money, like 1200 dollars.

I was looking through my grandma's drawers for drugs, and I found some pictures of me from kindergarten. Seeing how cute I was, inspired me to start thinking in less black and white ways. I don't have to "hate" my mom just because things aren't easy. She does everything she can for me, and I do need her a lot. She also sticks to her guns, which she takes to a narcissistic extent, but it's something I really admire.

She does everything she can to make me happy, and it makes me feel bad that she will do everything I ask, but I won't be happy because what I really want is a good boyfriend.

I also think that her doing so much for me was ultimately bad, because now I have an incompetence or inadequacy complex. Whenever something was too hard or stressful for me as a child, she would either do it for me or allow me to quit.

I called my crush last night. He didn't answer, but I liked hearing his answering machine. I wish I could call him today, but I don't want him to see how much I need his attention. I mean, I do want him to see it but I want him to appreciate it. I'm afraid he'll see it and turn his back on me.

My best friend is someone who saw how much I needed his attention and appreciated it. I am so thankful for him.

Anyway, if anyone's reading this and would care to comment, do you think it's okay for me to call him? Should I say I was just bored, that I wanted to see how he was, or that I need help with math?

My English professor emailed me back and said I'm not in danger of failing. That will help my GPA a lot, because I failed English last semester (don't ask).

Okay, how can I be expected to not be histrionic when my professors can't give direct answers? I didn't ask what you graded. I asked if it was possible for me to pass, and what my current grade was. You answered by telling me you didn't take attendance and that there were three tests and two reports.

Thanks for nothing.