I think the love triangle is the blood in the histrionic's veins. I feel as if all my life I have been claiming the role of "the other boy" in other people's relationships. My first intimate encounter with a boy was when he was "dating" my best friend. I say "dating" in quotation because we were in fourth grade. I write this post after my friend made a comment today about how I always seem to like guys in relationships--guys with girlfriends. I'm always the one wanting but not getting. And when I get, I'm the one who doesn't want. Also, I dumped the boyfriend I talked about in my previous post.

When I was in a relationship, if it was with a girl I seemed to subconsciously create love triangles, and if it was with a boy, I obsessively questioned and snooped until I found something to be jealous of. Sometimes I would cheat on girlfriends with girls I didn't even like, and then I would be confused when the girl left me! I also cheated on a girl with a boy once. The relationship with the girl ended and I dumped the boy like a week later.

I dread the thought of being cheated on, but I'm also turned on by it. I would love to hear someone's perspective of why that is. I should mention that to my therapist.

For instance, I'm thinking of an experience I had in a roleplay writing group. My character was in a relationship with another character. My character was a female dating a male. My character had been a huge indecisive tease about getting with her boyfriend, and so he wandered into the arms of another girl. This made my girl decide she cared and they got together. The boy kept talking to the other girl, and this made my girl jealous.

I knew the writer behind the boy wanted to be writing with the other girl. The other girl was an insanely good writer, and I was vague and short in my writing. I decided to compromise by saying they could have a bigamous relationship that would begin in a threesome. This threesome was inspired by my character cheating on her boyfriend with the other girl. Interestingly, the story of the two girls hooking up was acclaimed among the group for its quality from both of us.

To apologize for cheating, my girl offered a threesome to her boyfriend. The threesome began, but when the boyfriend kissed the other girl, I had my character chicken out.

Instead of being a decent boyfriend, the boy stayed and had sex with the other girl while my girl was in the living room!

I was shaking from this excursion. I was probably more anxious and obsessive than ever before in writing. But I was also turned on. I would fantasize about it for months after (this was January of 12). I wouldn't masturbate to the thought of a threesome. I masturbated to the cheating before the tryst and also the abandonment and infidelity that occurred during.

I ended up lashing out at the authors because I was a lot more immature than I am now (though idk I haven't been that stressed since) and quitting, rejoining, and then quitting again. I never meshed with either writer in the same way again. I always held it against the boyfriend's writer, because she'd known how upset I was getting but decided to go ahead with her plans--which I understand was within her right to do. I also was really catty to the other girl's writer to the point of making the boyfriend and other girl's writers hate each other.

I hate that a part of me is so turned on by the thought of being abandoned, of not being good enough, but another part of me is so afraid of having to acknowledge my impotence and allow my partner to choose better by allowing someone else in. I am frustrated by my willingness to hurt them by scouting out other people when it ######6 ruins me to think of them choosing someone over me.

It turns me on in a way that I don't experience through any other stimulus. It makes me feel completely overcome and enveloped in both fear and pleasure, but with enough of the latter that the former gets thrown to the wind for...

[ Continued ]

So I told my boyfriend about HPD, and though he was very accepting and nurturing, he did tell me it didn't seem like a personality disorder, but just a description of many gale males. I see the similarities, but to disqualify HPD because there are histrionic traits in some normal personalities is to disqualify depression because some people are sad sometimes, or pessimistic.

I think if I had claimed to have any cluster B personality, he would have said the same thing--in reference to the same group of people.

People with sufficient personalities, even when they are charming and gregarious, are not suggestible to the extent of someone with HPD. They do not get sick whenever they get anxious or are faced with a daunting task. In the sufficient personality, when they act seductive, it's because they want to have sex--not because they want the validation of being wanted. Sufficient personalities can enjoy sex, because they do not compulsively act aroused.

Sufficient personalities outgrow the stage of development where your identity is too sensitive. Histrionics do not, and in the likeness of OCD, the histrionic cannot settle on an identity because of doubt that is experienced as old identities become functionally obsolete, so the histrionic discards the identity and starts anew, only to repeat this cycle.

After some explaining, my boyfriend was very respectful of the conditions I said this put on our relationship. I told him clear communication is key, because if I feel him avoiding me, I will feel like he doesn't want me and I will leave before I am left. I also told him to respect my demands during sex, so he doesn't touch me anywhere that will give me a startle response.

I find myself compelled to still want other boys to want me, though I am not going to cheat on my boyfriend. I don't want to cheat on him. I just feel like making other boys want me, to be like "look what you can't have".

I hate thinking.

I was writing a blog entry on the presentation differences of BPD and HPD, and the most thought-provoking one that I found was that borderlines engage in transference more often, while histrionics get involved in counter-transference more often. The post was in regard to how they relate to their therapists, of course, but I (as a hysteric myself) find that counter-transference is largely the adhesive to my relationships out of therapy, too.

I am more compelled by the way I am treated than the way I feel about people. The way I feel about people is mostly determined by how they treat me or how I want them to treat me, or how they have treated me in the past.

Countertransference is defined as a redirection of a psychotherapist's feelings toward the client--or, more generally, a therapist's emotional entanglement with a client.

Of course, how I discuss it here is broadened in scope. People being emotionally invested in another person is not abnormal or pathological. What I mean, is I try to invoke in others an unreasonable sense of responsibility for my actions and my emotions.

I avoid guilt or responsibility by extraspecting and making other people into my conscience. This is most likely the result of an authoritative mother. I never learned to trust my own judgment, but instead what was likely to be permitted.

I feel a great satisfaction when I feel other people have taken responsibility for me, or when they feel guilt for something I did, as if they should have protected me. I feel a lot of this from my RA, who seems to infantilize me and think I am incapable of making rational decisions. He doesn't fraternize with me the way he does with some other residents, but he does frequently check up on me and try to sway me from doing things he doesn't approve of. He frequently reports behavior of mine to my community adviser.

He also grooms me to compliment his girlfriends. He rewards attention-seeking or dramatic behavior, too, so I think it's a nice symbiosis.

Hello. My name is Kennedy, and I'm 18. I live in Ohio and hopefully at the end of this year I'll have my diploma. I'm a boy, and I'm gay, only coincidentally straight. I've been in therapy for about 4 years, and after a lot of behavioral stuff I was diagnosed with Histrionic Personality Disorder. I have ruined all of my friendships, and my family pretty much despises me. That's okay though because I'm not their biggest fan either. I'm trying to improve myself, so that I can live a happy life in the future. I guess if you want to talk or something you can! My inbox is open? Do these accounts have messaging abilities?