I thought I had one-- I almost instantly would identify myself by my job for years(where I worked) because of the pride I felt in handling such a difficult job. Handling kids with EXTREME mental and physical functioning issues (extreme as in I worked at a residential facility that prided itself in taking some of the hardest cases in the state!). I was proud of whom i was- what I accomplished. I feel I paid not enough (or much of any) attention to whom I WAS--- my interests, having fun, enjoying company of others (even my husband). I was rigid- dry- a robot- would turn down going out to lunch with others... I was in fact a self-made loner? Occasionally i would align myself with someone at work and get along real well.. but that would run its course and be done after awhile. I feel like once I got a bit of "real life" friends (my obssession with my friend & being accepted by her family)-- my OBSESSIVE OCCUPATION--- was no longer my centerpoint in life-- i didn't care as much... I have had my "hay day" proving myself to everyone that I WAS GOOD ENOUGH-- now it was just exhausting. I was at a point of no return--- i couldn't turn back I was at the top of the food chain--- I would cry and obsess to the point of "not wanting to be here" at work i was put on leave-- The emotional pain to want to be at the high point of my career and not having the gumption or want.. or obsessive drive to get back hurts--- hurt--- is frustrating--- where was the girl EVERYONE used to be able to count on? I couldn't even count on my self anymore....


My Identity changed-- I wanted to find a way to focus on MORE THAN ONE ASPECT OF MY LIFE--- family, friends, and a job (that didn't take over my life- that I wouldn't let take over my life).... At the same time my obsessive tendencies PULL ME TO ONE THING AT A TIME--- right now-- its blogging-- my own personal pity party--- 15 minutes from now it could be obsessing over my best friends husband (that wants to get in my pants SOOOO BAD-- b/c he can see the changes in character I have). I want to be a middle of the road gal-- that doesn't get excited thinking about fooling around ( I haven't and don't really plan on it.. BUT the flirting and attention from him makes me FEEL SPECIAL)--- kind of how I felt at the top of the world at my job (old job--- long ago )


I've been having problems with attention (paying attention- things making sense in my head (its the med changes-- trying to fix me---) I AM ADHD--- things get fuzzy and don't always connect-- MEMORY problems???


I want to be OK--- be a normal gal- who can have kids and actually care about cooking-- and her husband-- and not have emotional thunderstorms rolling through her head a few times a day---

the sadness-- the anxiety-- the confusion--- the obsession--- the NEED to be praised/pedestalized by others--- to feel good about herself--- make it go away--- I don't want it anymore---

I want to feel normal happiness-- not extreme anxious obsessive happiness--- I want normal sadness/disappointment--- not anxious (worst case scenario-- can't think about anything else sadness)

I never thought I would say this (b/c I despise the soccer mom image--) I WOULD LOVE to be even CAPABLE of being a soccer mom-- to even have kids-- to be level headed (consistently)-- TO only focus on my life-- NOT OBSESS OVER MY FRIENDS....

I am new here and am just looking for someone to relate to. I am 28 and have been married for 5 1/2 years. I've just recently ran into problems regarding my maritial relationship within the last 1 1/2 years and basically was a workaholic before that (perfectionism to get praise and respect from others) I recently have been diagnosed by my therapist as BPD ( med doc doesn't agree) but i do. I realize how I've been fitting some of the major characterizations since I was a kid. I do put people on a pedestal ( want to be like them-- idolize and try to mimic) until they fail me ( or i just move on to something new) and then I do "de-value them". This is very cyclical and is based on what I currently want or need and whom can provide that for me. I do this to my husband all the time. My moods especially towards him are ridiculous as they change on a minute by minute basis. What scares me is that I can physically feel the change within my brain "mean fog, or irritable fog" roll in the second he approaches me or even says anything. I devalue what he says and even as whom he is (as he acts kiddish quite often) as being unmanly and irritates me. I also devalue myself if I do something wrong--- " I can't do anything right" and basically put myself into a deep depression for 5 minutes to an hour or so. ( SAME THING WITH ANXIETY SPIKES) I have been medicated since the age of 7 and my BPD seemed to surface more after changing my meds 1 1/2 years ago in an attempt to get pregnant--- TOTAL MISTAKE--- I can't ge pregnant and be a good mom when i'm this unstable!! Please tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel?! I'm so tired of the emotional rollercoaster... This isn't me...