I thought I had one-- I almost instantly would identify myself by my job for years(where I worked) because of the pride I felt in handling such a difficult job. Handling kids with EXTREME mental and physical functioning issues (extreme as in I worked at a residential facility that prided itself in taking some of the hardest cases in the state!). I was proud of whom i was- what I accomplished. I feel I paid not enough (or much of any) attention to whom I WAS--- my interests, having fun, enjoying company of others (even my husband). I was rigid- dry- a robot- would turn down going out to lunch with others... I was in fact a self-made loner? Occasionally i would align myself with someone at work and get along real well.. but that would run its course and be done after awhile. I feel like once I got a bit of "real life" friends (my obssession with my friend & being accepted by her family)-- my OBSESSIVE OCCUPATION--- was no longer my centerpoint in life-- i didn't care as much... I have had my "hay day" proving myself to everyone that I WAS GOOD ENOUGH-- now it was just exhausting. I was at a point of no return--- i couldn't turn back I was at the top of the food chain--- I would cry and obsess to the point of "not wanting to be here" at work i was put on leave-- The emotional pain to want to be at the high point of my career and not having the gumption or want.. or obsessive drive to get back hurts--- hurt--- is frustrating--- where was the girl EVERYONE used to be able to count on? I couldn't even count on my self anymore....


My Identity changed-- I wanted to find a way to focus on MORE THAN ONE ASPECT OF MY LIFE--- family, friends, and a job (that didn't take over my life- that I wouldn't let take over my life).... At the same time my obsessive tendencies PULL ME TO ONE THING AT A TIME--- right now-- its blogging-- my own personal pity party--- 15 minutes from now it could be obsessing over my best friends husband (that wants to get in my pants SOOOO BAD-- b/c he can see the changes in character I have). I want to be a middle of the road gal-- that doesn't get excited thinking about fooling around ( I haven't and don't really plan on it.. BUT the flirting and attention from him makes me FEEL SPECIAL)--- kind of how I felt at the top of the world at my job (old job--- long ago )


I've been having problems with attention (paying attention- things making sense in my head (its the med changes-- trying to fix me---) I AM ADHD--- things get fuzzy and don't always connect-- MEMORY problems???


I want to be OK--- be a normal gal- who can have kids and actually care about cooking-- and her husband-- and not have emotional thunderstorms rolling through her head a few times a day---

the sadness-- the anxiety-- the confusion--- the obsession--- the NEED to be praised/pedestalized by others--- to feel good about herself--- make it go away--- I don't want it anymore---

I want to feel normal happiness-- not extreme anxious obsessive happiness--- I want normal sadness/disappointment--- not anxious (worst case scenario-- can't think about anything else sadness)

I never thought I would say this (b/c I despise the soccer mom image--) I WOULD LOVE to be even CAPABLE of being a soccer mom-- to even have kids-- to be level headed (consistently)-- TO only focus on my life-- NOT OBSESS OVER MY FRIENDS....