I was looking through old pictures today and there is no resemblance whatsoever to the pictures of me and the girl i see in the mirror. Now that really creeped me out. I have been through this before when i was first really ill but that kind of thing you sort of erase the impact it has on you. And i can tell you, it's not nice, its like looking at a stranger....

I'm back to staring at my reflection and feeling nothing but self-pity and i hate it. People tell me all of the time that i dont see what they do. But how can they possible say that when they can't look through my eyes?
I have started taking some of my medication again but they take a long time to kick in. How can the mirror lie? I'm so torn between believing what im seeing or that maybe, it is a disorder, just like i was the first time round.

Today i have been more scared than i have for a long time. I have suffered with body dis morphia for 3-4 years now but have been ok on medication, bad days were the worst it would get. Not that i thought it would return or i'd feel anything like i am now but my illness is definitely coming back with a bang.

When i first got put on my medication i was at my lowest, suicidal had been for months, didn't want to see the next day and well i was put in hospital and then a specialist hospital for child mental health. I never met somebody with the same illness as me (body dis morphia) but the most common illness in the hospital was anorexia and others were depression (to devastating points)
I was basically told to take my medication, that it would help, never got told any side effects, what might happen to me with taking it and to be honest, i did not care. At that point i didn't care about anything. I was still suicidal just in a hospital, there was not alot i could do about it.

Why did i stop my medication? I stopped my medication because when i left the hospital i had gained ALOT of weight, and i mean alot. It was over 3 stone, i had never been that size before.
The medication created an on-going appetite and i was constantly hungry no matter what i ate or how much of it, it was like my brain couldn't tell me when i was full. Which was understandable because at the same time the medication was fighting a battle with cells in brain telling them what i was seeing and thinking was not real.

After being on my medication for over a year, i had, had enough. I was sick of the weight, i wasn't used to being the size i was so i stopped my tablets and for about 3 months i was doing ok. I guess my tablets have finally came out of my system though because i am definately getting a not so good blast from the past. I have avoided mirrors since my illness and being on medication because when i was ill that's the only thing i wanted to do, stare at this hideous face, in anything reflective.
Now, now i don't have the strength which i had on my medication not to look. And i have looked, alot, and like before i hate what i see. I have one mirror that i've been able to look in but no other, but now i'm looking in all of them again and it isnt good, isnt good at all.

The worst thing though? I cannot bring myself to take my medication again (which would seem the most simplest option) because i have this weird idea in my head, i cannot decide whether its the illness again or whether its actually me. But maybe the insecurities are real? and that the medication forces me to see something that isnt? i really do not know and the not knowing scares me....