You know, doing the research on my disorder and listening to other people who have it has helped me a little bit. But sometimes, I disassociate myself from the disorder. I look at other people who may have it so much worse than I do and I try and talk myself out of the diagnosis that I have already recieved. Part of me wants to just push through it all without medication or therapy, which is what I have been doing for the past 6 or 7 years, and obviously it hasn't worked. My mood swings are not so rapid right now. I have just come down from a manic episode I believe. Earlier this month, I wrote about a very extreme bout of depression that only lasted two days. That was then immediately followed by an extremely manic and happy phase. I started to document my mood shifts, and I realized how extreme I was. I went from being totally depressed and sleeping a lot to waking up the very next day excited about the day. That day, I ended up listening to music all day and cleaning the entire house, all in a couple of hours. Right now, however, I have just come off of what I would call my "normal" phase. I don't feel particularly sad or elated, just in between. That also might be due to the fact that I have been very busy lately. But now I think I am starting to go back into a depressive state, which I am kind of worried about. The other day, I had a horror movie marathon, horror movies are my favorite. The weird thing was I sat there watching movies about these people doing horrible things to other people, and I wished I was there. I know that sounds weird, but I began to think about the invincibility that these people felt, and it made me want to be at that same place, to feel invincible for doing the most messed up things. Is that delusional? I don't know, but anyways, after watching some of these films, part of me also realized that I couldn't stomach the horrible things as well as I thought that I could. So I kind of became depressed. I don't know if it was in fact the horror movies that made me depressed, or if it was already coming for me. I know that some things can be a trigger for me. Certain sad songs and other stimuli can effect my mood severly. Does anyone else have that? And even so, I still listen to sad music or watch messed up movies, even though I know they are going to effect me in that way. Anyways, I am nervous about what is going to happen to me in the next few days, I am hoping this depression is just hovering and will fly away from me, because I really dont have the time to deal with it right now.

Things are going okay right now...I have a medical evaluation on the 9th, which I am supposed t be prescribed with some mood stabiliziers...i am kind of nervous about the whole ideal honestly...but I know I need all the help that I can get. Me and my fiance are actually doing well for once, and I just came off of a manic and/or hypomanic episode. Right now I feel like I might be plunging back into the darkness...but I hope not because i am just about to start my internship and I want to be on my best and brightest for this...although I know I cannot control my moods...I hope that this round might be good to me...as weird as that may seem. I am optimistic and partially pessimistic about getting help...but I have realized in the past few weeks that many things I do are a way of coping with my mood disorder..and I need to own up to that. Hopefully things will get better, I will keep you all posted. Thanks for caring.

<3
Anne Marie

I can sigh a big sigh of relief after the longest and most intensified depressive episode I have ever had. It only lasted two days, but, believe me, those were the longest two days of my life. Anyways, there was absolutely no transition phase from depressive to manic. The very next day, I was hyper, happy, and completely bouncing off the walls. Granted, it felt good to be that elated, but at the same time, meh. But I am optimistic because I am finally going to be getting the help that I need after 5 or 6 years of dealing with pretty extreme symptoms. Anyways, I am happy to be on this forum. It is going to be a great outlet for me in the next couple of months, especially when I am getting help; i.e. therapy and medication. (and that is my super happy face right now, since I am in that kind of a mood right now! heehee)

I don't know if anyone will read this. Probably not. Since no one has answered any of my other posts. My brother has bi-polar disorder. It has caused a lot of pain in my life. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 16 years old. That's what I thought I had at the time. But I have noticed, over the years, that it isn't just depression that is ailing me. Every couple of months, I will go through, stages, periods in which I am very happy and everything seems to be fine, and periods of extreme depression. In between these periods, I am frequently irritable, and prone to anger, frustration, arguments, and other things. I didn't realize that I was doing this until somone had to point it out to me. I will go through "episodes" of arguing, crying, and extremely instense emotions, where I think I make sense, but really nothing makes sense. The worst part is the depression part. When I am in that place, that dark place, it almost feels like nothing. I feel complete and total apathy for everything. I lose interest in doing any of the things I love to do and normally do. I will lay in bed all day, bored. I have extreme anxiety issues and am prone to anger, frustration, and panic attacks. I think I may be suffering from bipolar. Every year, the symptoms get worse. I have an outburst at least 2 or 3 times a year, in which I panic, and do things that hurt myself and the others around me. I don't even know why I do them. I cannot concentrate on things when I am in one of these "episodes" I seem to distracted from anything to focus; but I force myself to focus on things when I need to get things done. I go to see a counselor at least twice a year, around the exact same time every year, when I am feeling my worst. I thought they arose from different situations in my life that were sad, like any other person, but I soon began realizing that no matter what is going on in that time of year, it is my mood; I am always depressed around this time of year. I don't know why. I can't control it. I find it hard to talk to people about any of my problems. I can't talk to my parents because they don't believe in bipolar disorder; even though my brother has it, they treat him like he is lazy; that he doesnt have the motivation to do things. I am the only one who understands him and what he is going through. Up until now, I didn't realize that is because we are going through the same kinds of things. It is like clockwork almost; my brother and I's cycles usually happen around the exact same time. He is depressed when I am depressed, etc. I dont know if the basis for my condition is because I grew up around my brother, who is a more extreme case of bipolar, and I grew up around those moods and emotions, all I know is that it is bothering me. I cant take it anymore. I want to know that I am not alone in this; that there are other people out here like me who deal with these issues. Of course, I am not expecting any comments on this since no one seems to want to talk to me at all. That makes me even more depressed. I cant seem to find anyone to talk about this with. That is the worst thing about it. If there is anyone out there to talk, please comment on this. I need someone to talk to, badly. I cant handle this on my own.