Today I am working on Mindfulness. In holistic native American therapy this is kind of spiritual. not in way of gods and thou shall or shalt not what evers. in the kind of thing of doing what feels good to the body and mind, being very clear and compassionate with me, with everything going on. like this morning whens I got up I had an herbal tea I never had before, liked the name of it celestrial tea. I on purpose didnt look to see what flavor of what its made of. I took a drink and tried to write down everything I was tasting, an how its made me feel. took another drink, did the same thing. When I gots dressed I did it real slow like. not just throwing on any old shirt and pants. I looked at the colors. when I puts them on I did a body scan to see how the shirt felt on my arms and body, how it made me feel happy comfortable or not. When I wents for a walk I kept stopping to look at the snow, feel the snow, make snow balls. I did another body scan to see hows being out in the snow was making me feel cold and carefree. When my body scan showed me I was getting too cold I went back home. now its lunch time. when I looked in the pantry for something to eat I made sure to check out everything, even what the cans and boxes look like, then I chose tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwich. When I opened the tomato soup I breathed it to see what it smelled like. put my fingers in it and tasted it, yes it made me feel good and it felt nice on my tongue. so did the cheese and bread. I puts some cheese in the soup too to give some texture to it. so far today I aint felt any numbness yet, an have stayed in what IFS calls self,

Self thats when you feel compassionate, clarity, creative, courage, calm, curiosity, caring, and connected to the mind and body. I feel compassionate and caring by doing nice things for me, Im doing courage and curiosity by taking a walk and carefully choosing my food, my clothes, making snow balls, calm and clairty is that Im not stressed and knows whats going on in my body and mind. and Im connected because I know whats going on with my body and in my mind and how things feel to me.

later today Im going to go online to a therapy / support group forum where I can work online with others doing IFS therapy. I have some questions about something in the book. First I have to go tot he post office to pick up the mail. my parents are sending me some stuff from the reservation that would be good for my IFS therapy stuff.

its very confusing doing things online. I got signed up for 20 forums bout the problems I have. Some I found through my T and others with google. most I read before joining them, and the pay sites I had to get one of those store debit reload money on it cards cause I dont want online peoples to have my bank account not even pay pal. My T showed me how to use store debit cards for the pay sites. real easy. I went and read at all the sites first and saw lots of people saying they accept everyone, they dont bully, name call and the place is safe.

but then after I post lots of people bully, name call, tear apart my T, my therapy. the same peoples that posted they accept everyones and all that are the ones that do the bullying and all. so confusing. its no wonder politically the world is a mess. if peoples in online forums cant accept each other unconditionally like they say they do then how can the whole world stop fighting and have peace. just saying. its real confusing how whats supposed to be safe actually isnt.

My T says that sometimes peoples get so hurt that when they encounter something different than their selves they get triggered and do what their own abusers done to them.

what really matters is that I make my own choices in how I behaves online. I can be mean like others that are trying to be mean to me, or I can take the higher ground by continuing to accept others unconditionally and have strict boundaries for myself in what I choose to share with others.

that made lots of sense to me. Now I only posts the full stuff abouts me, my DID, my T and the therapy Im doing in 3 forums cause they havent done any bully stuff to me or anyone elses posts. The other 17 sites this being one of them I make sure not to post anything abouts my problems, therapy work and T, I mostly read and sometimes post but make clear what my boundaries are when someone tries to get me to talk about my therapy and my T.

I think what hurt me the most in this is not that they were bullying me and tearing apart my T and my therapy. its that Im not the only one on all these sites that have peoples doing IFS. maybe Im jest too sensitive but knowing others on these forums Im on are doing IFS and then they are watching as others are tearing apart me and my T and IFS. that cant make those others doing IFS feel very safe about posting abouts their T and doing IFS. I chose these sites partly cause there were peoples doing IFS, then peoples start tearing me doing IFS apart making it out to be name calling things. This cant have felt good to those others who are also doing IFS to be watching IFS being tore apart by the same peoples who say they accept everyone.

My T warned me she's been online forums for decades that lots of peoples dont like her cause shes a T and cause shes integrated and cause she knows things the fakers dont cause of her job and cause she's been all the ways though it from diagnosed all the way to being integrated. She went through bullying herself, she made it so that the bullies cant bully her any mores. she using ignore and reporting the bullies and having all her posts and pms moderated. this way the bullies cant post to her, they cant pm her and the moderators get to see for their selves the problem aint her. cause shes so strict on her boundaries it makes others angry they cant get to her no more, they try to post in other peoples thread to her but that dont work neither cause she just reports those posts and verifies with the mods that they have been on her ignore list for a long times and knows they are being ignored. she told me that some people online may ask me to put them on ignore/mute then even thoughs they asked me to do that, they gets angry at me for me for doing what they asked. I think that is the most funniest strange online thing to do, ask someone to mute and ignore and not post to them, then gets angry when you do ignore/ mute/ not post to them.

anyways cause my T knows how to do online forums in ways...

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