My therapist made me think about the general past, asking me questions, picking at anything. I haven't told her anything because I don't remember anything. She doesn't know me that well, of course, so she thought I was lying. I don't know how much the average person does remember. I feel if I knew I'd feel better about it. It probably wouldn't even bother me. I just don't have a clue, and it's bothersome.
I just remember general facts, as if I was reading a biography made for a third grader to do research on. Every day feels like a week. I don't feel like I'll ever experience anything more important. I live by myself in my basement, playing World of Warcraft. It really feels like I will always live by myself in my basement, playing World of Warcraft. So what could I possibly be waiting for. Nothing. Things don't search for you, and find you, and take you away. You look, and move, and do things. I won't. Whenever I do, it's right back to isolation. And really, any sort of happiness that doesn't come from an accomplishment is usually from other people. I don't like other people. Other people wait for you. And I don't do anything but wait.

There's nothing else to it. A step forward just adds another four steps. I'm lost with no way back. There is no "back."

So inconsistent with interests, with motivation, it shakes my brain. When I try I fall the hardest. When I let it go I fall slowly, but continue falling. It was the like the dream I had, I could jump so high, I could fly for seconds, but the higher I jumped, the chance of crumbling instead of the ground splitting was greater. The second I start falling I wish I never jumped. I wish I never talked to my friends, never became friends. I wish I didn't have the pets I love that I can't even take care of. I wished I didn't listen to $#%^ therapists. I always know the best answer, what they're going to say. Is there no help for me? I feel smarter than anyone who's tried to help me. I already know what they are going to say, I could make better suggestions. Even when I make myself believe I couldn't. It makes it worse. I feel like ######6 Benjamin Button. Is that WEIRD at ALL. That the person I most relate to is BENJAMIN ######6 BUTTON. He isn't even close to being real. And he was wrinkly most of his life.
Ah well.