I wanna tear my skin in pieces until it's all gone. Have you ever felt this? Uncomfortable in my own skin, it's all wrong, this body isn't mine and I'll be damned for all eternity because of it.
Obviously the voice that hates me will judge me as well. It tells me to do it. Every time I see myself and I can't accept it or recognize. Go on, let the blood flow. You miss it. You're weak. You'll be stuck in this distorted mirror forever. And if you manage to cover it long enough, the ugliness inside will show.

I wanna tear my skin in pieces until it's all gone. Until I'm gone and I stop existing. Until I fade away.
Make it disappear.

I dream of a day I'll be finally free of meds.
But it scares me.

The episodes of last year and this year were far worse and more intense than usual, and it scares me. This is how I got stuck.
And I'm scared of all this rapid cycling, it makes me laugh and think about being dead five minutes later.

I think I'm finally almost ready to set free from my phobia... To have a life. But all of this scares me.

But then again, I've never been okay. Ever since I was 11. How am I supposed to know what's that like? New things frighten me.

I've been feelings anxious since... two weeks, I think. Had angry moments, as usual, but friday was frightening.
It was right after my appointment, I was angry, so angry I was almost breaking something. I couldn't control myself, and worst, I couldn't hide (like I usually do) because my mom was with me. Said bunch of stuff I shouldn't have said.
Then I cried. A lot. I felt regret and I was scared because I couldn't stop and I cried even more did not want to be left alone (which is not usual of me). Then I got angry again.

After that, I went to my bedroom and hurt my arm a bit. I did not regret it.
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Like I said, I've been feeling very anxious for two weeks now. Not sleeping well, I usually have to force myself to sleep because I don't want to.
It's funny how I rapid cycle. Saturday night I felt good for a couple of hours. I haven't felt "good" in so long. I danced to Joy Division, didn't care if it was 1am.
Then sunday night, again. But I didn't want a couple of hours, I wanted more, and I know it usually doesn't last long... I was up all night, alone, went to bed today (Monday) at noon. Yeah. It took me a while to sleep, I just wanted to get up and do lots of things, but ok. I thought "who needs sleep, I won't sleep until wednesday" (when I see my therapist)
Slept really badly, woke up a thousand times. I still wanna feel good, do something, dance, sing, do and create lots of things, talk talk talk. It's almost 2am now and I drank coke and lots of coffee (I usually don't like both), and today I plan not sleeping. I don't care.

Let's see if I can keep this up...

It's now 6am and I haven't slept, again. This night was hell. Around 22pm I started feeling a bit energetic, couldn't sit still, was pacing around the room, but ok.
At 2am, I apparently thought it would be a GREAT idea to get in touch with everyone on facebook! Some people that I haven't talked in more than a year, but I still care about a lot. Now I regret it, I usually put a lot of pressure on myself, but I bet I looked ridiculous and once again people will think I'm weird, feeling "happy" all of a sudden. Or worst, they'll be mad, because I had a breakdown last year for months and distanced myself from everyone and never had the guts to go after most of them. I just hate when people ask me if I'm (finally) better then... I'm never okay, after all.

I still gotta write in two days a bit of my history and symptoms for my new pdoc so he can try to help me, but I can't. Just can't. My mind is too wired these days and I can't focus.
I'll try to go to bed before 7am... and wake up to read all the facebook replies.