It's freezing outside but my room feels like an oven.

I can't sleep. Today has been a rather...disagreeable day to say the least. It doesn't help that I don't have the energy to take my medication properly, and they are meant to fight my obsessional thinking. I've had thoughts darting in my head all day and I am drained and feeling depressed and hopeless.

Lonely too. I think back to what I talked about with my psychologist yesterday and just the overall mood and stuff I was thinking about during the day and there's this loneliness, but I think it's because I'm a codependent. It would explain why I cling onto people and start going insane when I'm alone or don't see someone for awhile. I can't stomach being in my presence and I'm a codependent but inflicting that on someone, on top of being the reprehensible human being that I am, well...I don't have the right to do that.

Feeling abandoned as a kid when your own parents are in the next room is the worst...

Back to playing that stupid game I keep saying I won't play but I do because it's my only way for me to speak with someone that isn't a therapist.

Stupid game I have to play if I am to actually speak to someone during the day. Horribly made game, full of cheaters and bugs...

Stupid people playing the game. They don't even listen to me. I'm gonna mute my mic and just play and listen, since I seem to only be good at that : listening.

Stupid other things...

Like talking to some friend of mine that I've known for a long time. I don't know what kind of alchemy she's speaking about when it comes to social interaction. Maybe I'm just inept or really different or simply alien to those concepts but the way she explains it makes it seem like people being hurtful, dismissive and awful are things that happen. It's probably my hypersensitivity speaking but still, it just kind of feels like handling fire.

Not taking my medication seems to make me more prone to anger and just overall being a lot more unstable. It's funny to think that I'm probably going to have to take those things for the rest of my life...and I remember telling myself in high school that I wanted a life that was out of the ordinary.

Haha...hahaha...ha...........

Title says it all.

Valentines' day is always crappy... I know, I know, it's just some sh*#@$ holiday created by companies to get some sales going during the dead season and you don't need a specific day to be loving to each other. But still, it reminds me of my loneliness. I even tried to talk to a girl I met at one of my brother's friend's house...oh boy, that failed horribly.

No wonder I feel like sh%#. The demons came back to torment me as a result : "you were a reject at school and you are still one". "How does it feel to be on the outskirts of society where no one would ever want to be with you".

My life's been pretty much avoiding those demons from tormenting me too much with distractions...