I have this feeling now that I have had now and again for years. It's a restless, sucking, empty feeling in my chest. I want to do something, everything. I want to draw, read, write, watch 10 different types of movies, sleep, take a walk. All at once. But if I actually start any of these things it is not satisfying. It just makes me more restless and I stop. It feels like I'm looking for this one specific thing, but I just don't know where to find it or even what it is.

And I'm usually so good at doing nothing...

I have gradually lost patience with most of my hobbies over the last five years, so quitting in the middle due to lack of interest is very common for me these days. I'm just not usually so... hungry for something to do.

It's not too bad. Just annoying.

I came here because I read something that described me very well. Still, I don't know if I'm making it up or not. I have always liked things that deviate, and a personality disorder would fit that description. But still... My grandmother is in the hospital and I feel nothing. I didn't just imagine that I have trouble connecting.

I have no goals in life and I can't remember a time when I ever had that. I'm just following the stream. I have no motivations, few opinions, no friends, not many feelings except for occasional anger. I used to be different. Nothing radical, but at least I had hobbies... and depression.

However empty I may feel now I think this recent insight has been very good for me. I used to do all the things people do because of "what would I do otherwise?" and "that's just what you do, isn't it?". As I said, following the stream. I didn't really enjoy it, but I never even reflected over the fact that everyone else seemingly did. Two years ago I felt so lonely that I thought I was going to kill myself if it didn't stop. But I didn't want to be with people. I wanted to be wanted and liked, but the times that I was actually invited I didn't want to come. Not because of fear or anxiety (though I've had a moderate amount of that in the past), but rather because I'd been there before and knew that it bored me. It is better now because I'm starting to understand who I am.

I don't know where I was going with this... just clearing my head perhaps.
Sleep would be nice.

I'm tired today, for no particular reason. I'm tired and I don't feel like acting.
I just want to be myself.
But it's like a reflex every time someone speaks.

Sometimes I feel a bit disgusted that it's not acceptable being me. On the rare occasion that I tell someone what I actually think and feel, they don't even accept what I say. Is it truly that extreme to want to be alone? Or to not dream or care about the future?
Apparently...

For four weeks this summer I work as a receptionist at a funeral home. I keep coming back year after year since they keep asking me back. Every time I work here I'm reminded of just how ill suited I am for the service industry... but that was not what I meant to write about.

Sometimes it's a lot of work. And sometimes it's a _lot_ of downtime. So I read and browse the internet. I browse this forum and I get these impulses to respond so I formulate answers, sometimes I even write them down, but I generally don't post. It's a vague feeling of "what's the point?" that often stops me, I think.

And of course also the simple fact that I can never come up with anything to ask back. I don't generally carry conversations well since I only answer, never ask.

I'm getting a bit tired of living a life completely devoid of motivation. It might be nice to _want_ something some times. Instead I've got this unspecified, sucking hole in my chest leaving me feeling empty and lacking... something.

And why should I post this? What is the point? It feels a bit like sending a message in a bottle, but out into space.