I think my apathy may have put me in real trouble for once. Money trouble. Bleh.

It's not a real problem, I have some money I can use for this, but I don't want to - I saved it for something else. And if that is not enough I know that my parents would help out. But that is the last thing I want to do. Every time I get something from them for free it feels like a rope tightening around my neck. Let that noose get tight enough and I will never be able to get away.

It seems I have misplaced my feelings of worry and anxiety. At least that is one good thing with this emotional no-parking zone.

On Sundays a student group show movies at school - it's as big and good as a movie theatre, except for the seats, and the price is less than a quarter of any normal theatre. I used to go every Sunday. I always sat next to this guy I know, but he is almost at asocial as I am so we didn't interact too much. We came first of all and got the best seats in the house. A weekly ritual.

Last year I worked on a huge project, in the end I no longer had time to go to these movies because we often worked all the weekend. Since the project ended and I got back home after Christmas I have hardly left the apartment. (So... that would be three and a half month of isolation.)

I have always thought it was hard to go to those movies on Sundays. Not because I was afraid of anything, not because it was physically hard to get there (when there is no snow storm); I rather like it. The problem is that the longer I am isolated, the less I miss other things. The more I can't stand other people. It takes just that single Saturday of aloneness to make it hard for me to get to the movies on Sunday.

I have decided to go to the movies tonight. They are showing a film I have on my "to see" list and I have three pre-paid tickets in my wallet (they must be used before the summer). But that Saturday of aloneness has turned into three and a half months of aloneness.

It's going to be hard to convince myself that it is worth the effort. This is me preparing myself mentally for going tonight (in about eight hours). I sincerely doubt that it will happen, but I'll give it a shot.

I've been listening to an audio book for the last two days. It's quite good. I could get lost in it without problem. When it dealt with the main character feeling bad for doing bad things to bad people I disagreed, but still understood. Then, nearing the end of the book, it started introducing sexual themes. And I just don't understand at all. Especially the pure physical attraction described towards strangers and/or highly unsympathetic characters (the main character has been locked up for a long time, and is therefore a bit sexually starved).

I have never felt this. I think of people as thin, fat, tall, short, male, female, but never attractive or unattractive... they're just people... Being aroused by seeing particular body parts...??

One of the main characters has sex with someone other than his wife... why? He loves his wife. She loves him. The woman he has sex with is (apparently) attractive, but she has pretty much tortured him and I got the distinct impression that he disliked her quite a bit. He describes his arousal as some sort of unwilling reaction to... her body? Not the first time I've read this type of description, but I just don't understand.

I had no particular point to make. The disruption of my enjoyment of the book by this incomprehension (because people's motives and actions suddenly made no sense to me) just annoyed me. I'm finding myself more and more annoyed, lately, with this ever present sexuality in all types of media. It seems like a waste of time, disrupting the plot for some sex scenes. Why?

This is a very serious blog. I seem to have lost my taste for freshly squeezed orange juice. It is expensive on my student's budget, but it was one of my indulgences. As of yesterday it is no longer delicious... now it's just orange juice.

It is a sad day.

I don't exactly feel bad these days. It is now several years since I felt that constant inner pain. I was thinking about suicide constantly then. But now... I don't feel much at all. It is a noticeable absence of feelings. It certainly doesn't feel good either.

In one way I think I hit bottom back then. When I cried and cried, stared and drooled. In another way _this_ feels like the bottom. I no longer really enjoy anything. I cannot make myself act. My classes started over a month ago but I haven't lifted a finger, and I just don't care any more. I don't leave the house. I don't bother with hygiene. I hardly eat. At least I still went to school and _tried_ before. Now I just don't see the point... Well, I have never really seen the point, just kind of followed the stream and done what was expected. But now the momentum has been lost and I can't get going again.

I keep lying to my parents. When I saw a school counsellor some months ago she asked who I talk to. No one, of course. Sharing my thought and actions is a very alien and uncomfortable concept to me. But I don't like lying. I wish they would just stop asking.