I will be going to the hospital tomorrow about my Parkinson's, hope they are going to listen to me this time. They are the reason I am as bad as I currently am. Maybe I will come home with some medication. I will be gone from early morning so If I do not reply to anyone you please know I am not ignoring anyone

I lost and alone again... I don't have anyone

I am still finding it hard to not hate myself as much as I do but for the past few days talking and sharing with others on this site, others who can understand what is going on and how it feels to be the kind of person I am. I have always hated and have been disgusted with myself for the things I think and feel because I know it is wrong and I know I should not be thinking the things I do but honestly I can not help it.

It has only been in the past few days while talking to others that it made me realize that I am stronger and have more will to be a better person than I give myself credit for. I still do not feel any less disgust or hate towards myself but I have found the strength to carry on making myself a better person and in the future I hope that I will be able to accept the person I am and to be less harsh on myself. Small steps though and must keep in mind to not let myself get to comfortable with myself or let my guard down.

I am feeling very low at the moment because I miss the people I used to be close to and I would do anything to get them back but I pushed them away because I was terrified of who I am. Maybe one day things can go back to how they where but I very much doubt it.

Just going to be another low day of memories.

Its the start of another day, time to put on a smile and pretend everything is golden when all I really want to do is tear myself apart. Being able to open up here actually helped me get some good rest last night for the first time a long while.

Still feel rather alone in this world.

Tulula.

Having a really bad day today, just cannot seem to shift my thoughts away from children Going to archery later so maybe that will help take my mind off it.