My therapist wants me to write down my thoughts in situations where I feel upset or angry.

Here we go.

10/13/11

Talked to A on the phone about my bridal shower, nice convo, told her didnt care what we did, we talked about our two-day vacation, was a little sad she couldnt do more but didnt flip out, felt happy after getting off. HEALTHY ADULT

Jeff came home and told me he wouldn't see me until Sunday night. I was really sad that I was going to be all by myself, I felt panicky, I am going to be all alone I don't have anyone. ABANDONMENT.

Then I got home. And as my T told me, I talked to my SO about how I feel like he doesn't love me when he does things he knows upset me (in this instance, trimming our cat's nails on the kitchen counter). Initially he seemed to be supportive and was like, I didn't know you felt that way, I am sorry, thanks for telling me. But THEN he said, "it's a chick thing, I get it."

I flew off the deep end. I thought:

-he does not love me
-he has no emotions
-he is a narcissist
-I need to not be with him
-He will ruin my life if I marry him
-He is a piece of $#%^

MISTRUST/ABANDONMENT

I am alternating between crying and rage. He is pretty calm. I think, he has no emotions, he is a narcissist, I have to get away from him. I don't trust him, don't trust anything we had. I was writing at one point while fighting, and he made fun of the way I held my pen! Making me even more angry. He is a narcissist. I start reading him a list of traits of a narcissist from the Internet. Lack of empathy. I think: he is evil.

I thought (and I told him): I was physically sick at the sight of him, wanted to stab him. He left the room. I thought: he does not love me. ABANDONMENT. He is acting like nothing is happening, while my chest is laid open with my heart beating for all to see. I am crying, crying. He comes back. I told him I want him to move out, and that I know he doesn't care, he didn't care when I told him to move out before when I broke off our enggagement, he was just worried about the cat. He is still fairly calm, says he just wanted a nice night, to spend time with me. I think: he is lying, he is a manipulative sociopath. I tell him I know he is faking his emotions, but they are off, he isn't quite right, so I can tell he has no emotions. MISTRUST.

I then start with suicidal talk, which I know iss manipulative and I am trying to get him to care. At the same time, I am hating myself so much, I am bad. DEFECTIVENESS. I scratch my arm with my nails in front of him. He doesn't respond other than to say, why would you do that. I am desperate and switched to being really sad instead of angry. He wants to hug me. I think: do not touch me, you cannot touch me, you are evil. He goes to bed, asks me to come in there. I want him to hold me. I told him that I had these bad thoughts, suicidal thoughts, but wouldn't act on them. And he said he thought things had gotten a lot worse for me recently and did I think maybe I needed to go back on anti-ds. No I do not want to go on drugs, I can't be dependent on them.

10/14/11

At work: can't really function very well, tired and hung over from xanax. Can't focus. I remember no one responded the night before when I sent an email to a group of 4 friends in response to their complaints about work, "I'm depressed." I IM my friend to tell her that I know she only likes me when I am happy, but I am not happy. ABANDONMENT. I am depressed. She says she likes me no matter what I am. I agonize about sending an email to my T, I send it, but am so punitive every time after I do it. I am an idiot, I am bothering him, this stuff is stupid. DEFFECTIVENESS schema, punitive parent.

I also get a text from the girl I had dinner with on Thursday who I thought didn't like me because she left abruptly, when we both still had beer in our glasses and without much of an overture about leaving. I had been really angry at myself after making a coment abot how I had therapy at 9. She thinks I am crazy, I am crazy for mentioning it, I think I wish I hadn't said that, I'm angry at myself. DEFECTIVENESS/punitive parent. But she said in the text she had a really good time and wants to hang out on Halloween. That made me feel good.

Friday night was good at first, saw P for a bit. HEALTHY After went home and was by myself, felt lonely, thought no one wants to be with me. I drank by myself and chatted online. That actually wound up being helpful, laughed a lot.

10/15/11 Empty day. I feel like an alien. I wish I had something to do. Go to the gym and sit there, go on chat. Don't work out. Eminem, rage music. Supposed to go visit Jeff but he is sleeping at the hospital. I am oddly not triggered by this, don't feel anything. Almost glad I don't have to see him. Maybe? Can't sort my feelings poperly today. Finally go to the gym. Drink by myself at home. Tired. Dont want to go home to see mom tomorrow.

Have a conversation with Jeff where I tell him I missed him (now I am feeling like I wish I did see him, day was so long and lonely) and he said, you should have come to see me!!! I go nuts, he is blaming ME for not coming now, what?! Minor rage, tell him again he doesnt care, then just resignation, too tired.

Remember to ask therapist about mode of overcompensation in the form of wanting to please others.

I can completely relate to what you have written. I hope that are better now.
Sending you so many sweet thoughts.

I hope you get better and feel safe... I will pray a prayer for you...

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. You have described it perfectly..