I relapsed again and I relapsed hard and not once but twice. Yesterday night I went to massage parlor and had sex with a prostitute. And after I got home from work today I masturbated.

I have to stay positive. You can't make a omelette without breaking a few eggs. Unfortunately in this case it appears I've fallen onto a crate of eggs and smashed the whole stack.

I feel like I'm just getting started. I wasn't really serious about kicking this 'habit' until recently.

I look at myself from a distance. Like I'm married to myself. I feel like I'm in a little bit of shock, as if I'm learning something ugly about myself for the first time. As if I've been cheating on myself.

I've always known what I've been doing is wrong (except for the porn and masturbation). In fact, as early as 2000, I've actually had opportunities to have sex with prostitutes and pulled myself back successfully from it on multiple occasions.

I look at this a few ways. 1) I haven't put forth my strongest effort. If I decided to go balls out, sleep right, eat right, get more active, I'm confident I could break this habit.
2) I haven't been targeting the right things. I still don't really feel I understand this habit completely. I haven't really sat down and analyzed it from top to bottom. Up until this point I've been thinking that I was medicating the pain in my life but this approach doesn't seem to be working for me.

My previous blog entry has not been posted yet and I don't know why. I did one on the 14th and I guess the mod never got around to it, or maybe it has content that isn't sharable? I dunno.

In my previous blog post I mentioned that people who hold themselves in high esteem don't see prostitutes and have sex with them. So the next question: How do I improve my self esteem? So I went to life's dictionary (aka Youtube) and found a couple good vids. It actually made me feel better and inspired me to do some home improvements that have been sitting on the 'to do' list for the past 2 years.

Up until this point I've been watching videos on self confidence. People might think, well, if you have self confidence then you will have self esteem. WRONG!!!! Self confidence is completely different from self esteem.

Self confidence is being relaxed and in control of what you're doing because you've done it a million times. When I walk into a massage parlor and I want a happy ending I have a great deal of self confidence because I know what to ask for and I know how much I should pay. That's self confidence. Unfortunately, this act, will not help you to build self esteem.

For me to build up my self esteem, I have to....Ok, I'm working on this. But you get the point, I don't know for certain if building self esteem will cure my problems. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But it can't hurt.

So that's what I'm doing now. I feel I'm still in early stages of trying to conquer my habit. I didn't get much sleep the night before (Saturday) and that really killed me Sunday. When I don't get enough sleep I'm irritable the rest of the day and I make bad decisions. I decided to install my ceiling tiles that day (after I watched the videos on self esteem) and I had a helluva time. I was making bone headed mistakes that only could have been made if my mind just wasn't right.

Bill Clinton, unfortunately suffered the same kind of effects. Typically it was when he was very tired, that he made bone headed decisions.

So I have learned that lack of sleep, is a potential trigger. Watching porn is another potential trigger as well as masturbation. Masturbation is a big trigger and I think it was my relapse just a few days prior which set up my latest tryst with the prostitute.

But I think a big trigger, is self esteem. Sometimes I look at other people and I wish bad things on them. I see my boss as a drug addict (she's totally the opposite, she doesn't even drink alcohol, she's goody 2 shoes) and I want to see her high. I shouldn't have these thoughts because in hindsight I think...

[ Continued ]

I guess I'm back to square one since I relapsed yesterday. Called the chap at SexualControl and he's not taking anymore new clients (voice recording). Sounds like he has his plate full.

I feel a helluva lot better today using the new approach than I did the previous 5 days.

The new approach I'm taking is fundamentally different from my previous approach. Under the old approach it was assumed that I was medicating the pain in my soul with sexual pleasure.

Under the new approach, it's perfectly ok to have sexual thoughts because sexual thoughts are an intimate part of me and are inseparable. What the new approach entails is having a greater self control of my latent actions. If there is any pain, it's a result of repressing my sexual thoughts and urges, not necessarily from my soul.

The new approach requires kinder, gentler thoughts. The old approach felt more ascetic. It seemed a bit extreme in comparison. Perhaps I should not be too surprised since it was a faith based idea and came from a Christian minister. The new approach seems to come from a more agnostic and ordinary point of view (his name was Joe ironically enough).

Today I feel much freer than at any point for the past week. I feel like I have more control and I feel more whole. This new approach feels a lot more natural. I feel more spacious and lighter. I'm taking small steps, slowly and deliberately.

I listen to my positive affirmations whenever I can. I have ripped some of my favs from: Louise Hay, Tony Robbins, Wayne Dyer, Greg Braden, and others and put them on my iPhone. There's no doubt in my mind these are helping.

Incidentally, it's not well known, but iTunes radio actually has a few stations that put out nothing but positive affirmations as well as meditative sounds. If you have TMobile, streaming from iTunes does not count against your data usage so you can listen to that stuff all day if you like.

I'm doing my best to make a positive environment around me. I've ripped some really soothing sounds from Enya, as well as Libera. Some of the songs from Libera are heavenly, there's no other way to say it (see Air by Libera). These musics help calm my mind.

I have an air ionizer which puts out positive ions into my bedroom to help with viruses and allergens. I have a Tibetan salt rock on my desk which gives me energy. I have a grounding mat to draw energy from the earth as I type this. And I have a disco light, creating a symphony of colors and lights all around my room, stimulating the senses and creativity.

At this point I feel there's nothing else to say. The universe is listening to my beck and call at the moment. I'm calm, lucid, and have many things I want to accomplish. I'm not thinking or worried about a sexual addiction at this time. Sexual thoughts seem like 1,000 miles away. Perhaps it's because I relapsed just yesterday?

One bit of advice I feel compelled to give: Currently I'm inundated with many different approaches and schools of thought as to turn one's life into a powerful, incredible one, not the least of which is the school of Buddhism that I've been a student of since 1994.

I don't have time to do all these different practices and affirmations. Not only do I not have time for all of these, I think it's counterproductive. I feel like I'm doing too much. I have my positive affirmations in my Buddhist practice, I listen to Louise Hay's positive affirmations, I listen to Tim McGraw's Power Affirmations, and I was doing another practice.

It is killing me now. I really REALLY want to do this practice, however, I feel like, to do this one and succeed in it, would require me to drop all my other practices and devote 100% of my energy to doing this one.

This practice is Joe Karbo's "Lazy Man's Way To Riches". One might say, "What does money have to do with sexual addiction?" Joe Karbo's approach is far more altruistic than it sounds on the surface. The underlying power of his book borrows heavily from the Law of Attraction...

[ Continued ]

I relapsed today. I masturbated in bed this morning. The intense feelings and emotions caused me to become destabilized and I wound up looking at porn later in the afternoon as well. So much for 'easily' kicking the masturbation and porn habit.

Ascribing to the Louise Hay school of thought I know it's not wise to beat myself up over things. I'm working towards a kindler, gentler, me. Stop the criticism, it's hard.

Evaluated my feelings - What went wrong?

For starters I spent way too much time in bed, dilly dallying. Should have gotten up at the first crack of sunlight and gone outside. Day would have been much different had I done this.

I felt a bit depressed today and not such a good mood. I think this can definitely affect relapse.

So I felt like digging deeper. Hello Siri, can you find me a cure for my sexual addiction? Siri Answer: Here's SexualControl.com
Me: Thanks Siri!

Reading...
There's some intriguing stuff. According to website the pain I've been experiencing is being caused by my repression of my sexual feelings. If this is true, then my original premise "It's all about the pain" is all wrong.

According to website, and this makes perfect sense to me, we can't suppress our sex drive. We're innately sexual beings and these feelings are too intimate. What we are having are intimacy problems.

Apparently I'm supposed to let myself experience the feelings of wanting to masturbate and whatnot, but then control it and let the feelings pass. This is certainly a gentler approach than the extreme angle I tried to take by simply cutting out sexual thoughts altogether whenever they popped up.

So I guess it's ok to have sexual feelings. It's ok to want to see prostitutes. I'm just not supposed to do it. I can hang with that...I think. Interesting. The man left his number. I'll have to give the chap a call. I'll be surprised if there's a human on the other end.

I'm surprised I did not come across this website before. I had done other searches. Perhaps today was my lucky day? In any case, I feel better now. Almost everything I've experienced up to this point has been covered to a tee on his website.

We're on the same wavelength which is good. And he's been successful in kicking his addiction which shows there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Well, today has been constructive. I think that is the most positive thing I can take from it. Even though I have relapsed, I have used this to try to put myself in better position not to relapse in the future.

Now I have a different tack, a different angle I can take to conquer my demon. There is still hope. I feel more whole now. I can actually acknowledge my sexual feelings when I see a drop dead gorgeous girl and I have an idea of what to do with those feelings.

Move forward....