Sometimes, I have such bad days that I begin to doubt that I have BDD. I'll look and see this REALLY ugly girl in the mirror and think that I've just been trying to trick myself into thinking I actually looked normal. My mind starts going in a million directions, trying to find out what I really look like. I need to know, now. And next thing I know, I'm suicidal. These are the worst days for me as they are the most exhausting for me and everyone around me.

I have to convince myself that I'm seeing things wrong.

One day I'm completely satisfied with myself. I'm happy and I think that I'm pretty. Well, summer is coming and with that comes a whole new set of problems. Am I tan enough? Do my shorts fit right? And the fact that it gets too hot to wear my hair down kills me sometimes. I hate wearing it up. It looks so gross. I really thought I was doing great. For a little while I even thought that it would be impossible for me to have BDD because I was so comfortable in my body, but obviously I'm starting to feel the waves crashing down again. I can't even hide in hoodies and jeans anymore.

I want to find myself. I want to know who I am. Do I like to wear blue jeans or skirts? I have no idea. I've always hated girly things but is it because I don't think I'm pretty enough? Do I really like sneakers or do I want to wear high heels?

I think for now I'll just buy clothes I'm comfortable in, because I don't want to buy something and just keep it in the closet. Some day when I'm somewhat recovered, I'll go shopping and buy what I want. I'll see where my heart leads me and find myself.