I AM SO ######6 ANGRY I CAN NOT EVEN BEGIN TO EXPLAIN THE LEVEL OF ######6 RAGE I HAVE RIGHT NOW...
###$
RARRFGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I THINK EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD IS EVIL.
E V I L!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I . CAN'T. DEAL. WITH. IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM TRYING SO HARD NOT TO SMASH MY ENTIRE HOUSE UP....

ARGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!


I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHJJJHHHHHJJJHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!££!!!!!!!!!!!

HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


IT'S BURNING MY BODY!!!!!!!!!

Rarrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


Smsndnshsjsjsjejsjsksjs

Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to scream and scream and scream and scream !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And scream and scream and SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAMAMMMMMMMMMMM

I NEED GOD. I NEED A MIRACLE!!!!! A MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

How you feeling now?

Hey Snaga,

At the time of reading this I currently feel like $#%^. I am feeling VERY low again. Very very low. Very black, very dark, very anxious and guilty and just... Dead. As if I don't exist.
I'm really annoyed at myself too for being this depressed and I am hating myself for it. I have different kinds of 'low moods'. Ones where everything just hurts and it's intolerable and I feel like I'm going crazy... And then this... Numbness and horrible emptiness and feeling as though something terrible might happen. Feeling as though I might die. Feeling like... I'm not really awake.
I hate it.
My moods over the past couple days have been all over the place again. Last night for example I was very hyperactive and excited. Today I felt alright this morning. Then at about midday I started to feel very dead and really low. And it's gradually got worse.
Now it's nighttime and I just feel ... Horrid. There's a darkness. That horrible, all too familiar all-consuming feeling.

When my mental state is worse than usual, nighttime is the worst thing, ever. I'm sorry you're feeling low, again.

Refresh my memory, are you seeing anyone for this?

DBT. I've got to wait. I'm not sure how long. But in the meantime they've left me with nothing once again.
They don't give a $#%^. I hate them. Possibly a psychiatrist too. Possibly. Not for definite. Got to wait and see.
Sigh.
I'm low again today. Lacking in energy. I just feel sick and bleh.
And ashamed. And guilty.
TW
I had nightmares again last night.
I dreamt I was cheating on my ex and he was cheating on me and then I saw him and he had cut himself up with a knife reaaaaaaally bad. He was bleeding everywhere.
I was also cut badly and had long, deep, thick cuts all over my arms and legs. But they'd dried up and scabbed over. I was trying to hide them from everyone but I had a vest and shorts on so everyone could see.
And then he was getting angry, not making any sense. I thought he was gunna kill me so I was trying to hide but I couldn't get away from him.
Then I saw my great grandma who is dead sat in the chair and her head turned all the way round and she had this horrifying face that I can't describe. You couldn't see her facial features properly. It was like something out of a horror movie.
Sorry, bit of a tangent.
I want to go to the doctors but I'm scared to. Every time I do they just hurt me. They don't understand. Occasionally I'll get the odd one who is lovely. But the last time I went the man I saw made me feel absolutely horrendous and I was sickened by him.
It's put me off going.
I don't want to talk to anyone who doesn't understand.
It's really hard to seek help for these kinds of things. You're expected to make yourself totally and completely vulnerable in front of a perfect stranger who may or may not be a decent person, then they could end up making you feel worse. Sometimes I think they deliberately try to make me feel worse. They're bored so they see a vulnerable person who they can ###$ with for a bit of entertainment in their mundane day. Watching me suffer. Taking pleasure in the fact they've caused it.
Reminding them that they have the power. And it's your word against theirs so no ones gunna listen to you, the emotionally unstable one.
Almost every time I see doctors I leave feeling angry or suicidal.
There's something terribly wrong there isn't there. I honestly can't stand them.

It sure is, I hope you can get a doctor you can trust, and keep them. What's causing you get see different ones, is this a public service?

Yeah it's the NHS. I'm in the uk. I don't have one doctor. I basically just see whoever is available. And the guy who I saw who was lovely was a temporary one filling in for someone else. He's gone now. I would have seen him every time. I wish they were all like him.

I had a relation who was in the public mental health system where we live in the State, and he'd go thru different doctors. Maddening. A new one, and they'd be trying to change his meds, with predictable (bad) results. You have my sympathy!