I've tried to run from it...
But I think I have PTSD. as well as all the other $#%^ that's wrong with me.
Right now I'm sat here with hot fear in my body, my heart is beating so fast, I'm panicking even though there is nothing to panic about.
It's how I felt when I was with him. Like my body is remembering. Like it feels it has to be on high alert.
It's horrible and I can't get away from it.
I just want it to stop
I am trying so hard right now not to use my usual unhealthy coping mechanisms but... It's too hard.
I'm so anxious. I have a feeling of dread. I can't sit still.
the anxiety in my chest won't go away
I don't want PTSD. I don't want him to have done this to me. I don't want to deal with it.
But I have been through absolute hell. And I think anyone no matter how strong would develop this if they'd been through what I've been through. But it's not fair
I also have nightmares, almost every night. Of a crazed man coming to kill me, usually with a knife. Sometimes he stabs me multiple times and I try to fight him off whilst getting stabbed and covered in blood. One time I managed to get the knife off him and then I stabbed him to death after he'd already stabbed me. Blood everywhere.
I usually try to run in the bathroom and lock myself in and hold the door but he stabs the door and the knife comes through it.
I try to phone someone but I can't whilst holding the door. Or my phone won't work or I can't press the buttons. It is like a demonic force is in my dream. I wake up screaming and terrified.

I have extreme numbness at times. Although I had this before all this happened. But I have it towards this situation. I have no feelings towards it, I can't connect with it and it's like it never happened. No anger, no sadness nothing. Then all of a sudden I'll feel intense rage. So intense.
I also suffered with that before but this is different. It's like a flashback of sorts. It's like the rage I experienced at a certain point during a time I was with him.
And it makes me feel like a psycho. A true psycho. I have had feelings like this before towards people who have also abused me, but I've never been invalidated by police and mental health staff who were making out I was the crazy abusive one at that time.
I hate them all, they make me feel truly sick.

Writing this has become too much. I feel horrible. I feel sick now and it's all going back inside.

I also have intrusive thoughts. Avoidance. I avoid thinking about the bad times. Cause I don't wana believe they happened. I wana believe it didn't matter. I've also tried to force myself to acknowledge it at times when I feel so numb about it.
Because I don't wana develop PTSD. So I've tried to make myself process it. But I can't.
At times I'll just end up sitting there reliving things and all of a sudden I'll come back into the room and realise what I'd been doing.

I don't want it

Yay. PTSD. Wekcome to my already crazy brain. I'm being assessed by a psychiatrist soon.

I wonder if he/she is actually gunna listen to me.

Cause if this isn't PTSD then I'm not sure what is. I can't diagnose myself of course, I'm not a professional.
But either way, I am mentally scarred. And it makes me have so many different emotions.

I might post in the PTSD forum. But I wanted to write this first. I like getting my thoughts out.

And I keep getting memory pains .... I'm having them right now
My heads hurting like when he used to punch me in the head...
I feel his hands squeezing round my neck like he's choking me ... I keep coughing. I feel light headed and sickkkkk And I can feel the pressure on both sides of my head from when he used to grab my head with both hands and push really hard as if trying to crack my skull . What am I in for? Is this for life is it ever gunna stop???
Oh god whyyyyy. Why oh why.

*tw* I'm all alone and I'm scared I can't stop this feeling that I am being choked. I can't stop the pain in my chest I can feel his hands round my neck help me... I can't take anymore pain

I'm scared. What is to become of me. I'm so scared. Im feeling so horrible. I just can't take being here but I don't wana die either. I just want everything to be ok.
God why did you do this to me!
So much pain so much suffering. I can't bear it anymore. And there's no help.
I'm so scared. Help me.
Please.

How're you feeling today?

[quote="Snaga"]How're you feeling today?[/quote]

Not great.
I have been manic today (I use that word in the non-clinical non-bipolar sense). Don't feel as bad as yesterday. Not in pain anymore. But very irritable. I've been running round my house like a hyperactive five year old with adhd. Literally. Zooming around. Dancing like I'm on drugs. I am so weird. Really irritable though.
Soooooooooo irritable. I am really annoyed with pretty much everyone in the world.
I'm angry. I feel the whole world has turned its back on me and everyone has made me this way and it's so unfair. And it makes me so so so SO angry.
The pain has gone though. It feels ever so slightly there still but not like yesterday. Feeling much better from when I made this post so I'm grateful for that.
I am so rubbish. I've been so stressed.
I have days where I am extremely productive and others where doing absolutely anything at all, even writing, is... Not doable. I'm just ill and dead and can't function.
As I'm writing this I can hear my paranoid schizophrenic mother having an argument with her voices downstairs.
I don't know how to live. I'm pretty much just an absolute mess hahaha
How are you?

[quote="Snaga"]How're you feeling today?[/quote]
I did actually reply to this a couple of days ago but I must not have submitted it properly??
I'm mad. I'm really. Really . Really. Mad.
I don't know what else to say other than that.
I'm just mad. I don't know what to do.

Sorry you feel that way, and yes the comments must have been overlooked when I approved the last round of blogs, sorry.

I'm okay I hang in there. That's all any of us can do...