Recov)ery from NPD is 100% possible.

My story

I don’t want to bore you with my whole NPD / life story so I will keep it short. I never thought there is any problem with me all the way till I was 23. I knew I had a bad childhood and all I knew is I wanted to be famous as a musician. I thought my life is going in a great direction and looked on myself as a special survivor. I quit college (actually three different ones) and started to pursue music instead. I got a successful start, but for some reason did not continue my career. This was the first time when somewhere in the back of my mind something told me that it is off (first little awareness of the gap between the real and false self). Fast forward, I had a panic attack one day, and it started a debilitating depersonalization and derealization, which did not go away.

Next few years, I tried to tell myself that nothing is really wrong, tried to continue my career, but constantly self sabotaging. Also started heavy learning about depersonalization (Harris Harrington’s program, very good stuff!), dysfuctional families, psychology. Got a lot of answers but nothing solved it. Fast forward, few years later I started to get in a really deep whole, still fighting, still maintaining my perception of myself (got really successful in different areas, but never stayed at anything, always needed the next goal).

At a point, when I was really at a low point, no sleep, anxiety, constant dependency on people, more and more issues with people. I was with a girl, we broke up twice and she left me, and for the first time in my life, I was not able to rationalize why the other person was the stupid one. I just simply could not come up with an answer on WHY she left me. She was just right.

I was in pieces. Constantly googling everything about psychology, I convinced myself and others that my father is a narcissistic psycho and this is what is wrong (of course I was trying to fix my narcissistic narrative, with less and less success). I wrote blogs about narcissism and psychopathy, and really believed that my dad was a psycho and this is the reason I have emotional problems. At that time I did not know that even though I PERFECTLY described narcissism, whom I really was writing about was not my dad but me.

I started to blame everyone, but at this point I was less and less successful in attempting to convince myself that I am right. The pieces just did not fit anymore, and it was not possible anymore to filter, distort these stories enough to convince myself. I started to act in ways which were totally out of my self image.

At one point, I started to read Sam Vaknin. I did not even consciously knew why. He did not say anything I did not know about narcissists. But I kept reading. He described NPD so accurately that it was simply IMPOSSIBLE to deny it. It resonated with me on such a deep level that even my high intelligence and creativity could not justify it away. Every day, those words broke bigger and bigger parts out of my self image. I did everything to deny it but it took more and more effort and became less and less effective. There was no turning back.

The inner emptiness I experienced I believe is the most terrible thing a person can go through IMO, but I don’t have to say it, if you read this you probably now.

RECOVERY

After that, I got to a point where I thought I will commit suicide soon. I did not cry, I did not panic, but when I looked at my life I really believed that I will need to commit suicide soon because I was left with NOTHING (I thought then). No social connection, no ability to relate to people, no self, no personality, nothing. Knowing what Sam wrote, I experienced such that I just can not find words to describe. I also read addx’s posts on here and I believe he also explains some stuff pretty well.
So at the lowest possible point, I just had a click in my mind. Ever since I watched Harrington’s DP recovery program, there were a few words from him which constantly in the back of my mind. He explains that how important is mirroring from the mother in infancy. I watched that program 5 years ago but it just did not click until now.

So

WHY YOU HAVE NPD?

You have NPD because deep down you are NOT AWARE THAT YOU LIVE. I know it sounds stupid. But I believe that NPD is the opposite of awareness. You have NPD because you don’t realize that you exist, just like others. You live in your head, and from this perspective, you are still an infant. You are not aware that you are a living, existing, aware human being.

You go through life like it is not real, which is the default state for infants. They are not aware of themselves yet. They only see a „screen” (=life), and have a very low awareness level.

This explains everything about NPD.

YOUR REAL SELF

Your real self does exist, and you can start to „use it” anytime. I tell you why. REAL SELF is not a tangible thing like your computer, it is not an organ in you and not a part of your brain. It is simply an abstract term which describes what we call personality. Personality consists of many things, part of it is how you look, what you like, how you talk, your innate traits, which everyone even NPDs have. It is not a single thing which you either have or not, it is an abstract term.

NPDs live in their head, and look at life like it is a movie. They don’t experience life like others but think about them. It is very hard to notice on yourself because it is the default to you.

The reason you have this urge to chase supply is not because other people are better than you or have something you don’t have (well in a way of course they do), it is because you simply haven’t realized that you have the EXACT SAME life energy they do. This is why it DOES NOT MATTER who the source of your supply is, because it is not the other person what you need but the joy of awareness which you are looking for ever since you born. You have not realized that you have THE SAME thing in you, which is capable of the same reflection you are after in others. You just never realized it because so far it worked even if in a dysfunctional way.

I believe that through mirroring, when the mother constantly looks into the eyes of the child, the child learns that it exist, and is safe (I am writing this like I am the first one who discovers it lol).
The very self you are looking for, which CAN provide that constancy which your developed self can be built upon, which will give you a sense of time and sense of self, is the simple fact that YOU EXIST. Deep down , very deep down you believe you are somehow LESS. But you are not less, you just never passed through this development stage, because your mother neglected you, OR she also did not receive this from her mother, so she never knew you need it.

YOU LIVE. I know it sounds pretty new agey, unscientific but it IS really the key in NPD recovery.
NPDs operate in their mind, and for some reason, our mind can not provide a sense of self. It is not what it is for. Your mind is for solving things, etc.. but if you don’t deeply know that you are a seperate, LIVING, EXISTING human being, then there is no base self which you could build.

I believe that most things an infant does is basically a shout to the outer world : I EXIST!!. I AM HERE! I believe NPDers never got a proper validation for that deep inner feeling, that they exist. This is why everything they do is a call for attention. They never got confirmation that they ARE.

I believe that the false self is NOT for survival, but the false self is just a spontaneously developed way to function, and the attention seeking elements are an attempts to get this confirmation.

BUT, when you do things to get attention, success, look, or anything, you always mistakenly look for the confirmation for the ACT itself, not realizing that you are doing it to get a confirmation that you EXIST TOO.

You dress up and look good to get supply. People notice you look good. But you don’t realize that the original deep intenion is not to get confirmation for your new clothes but for the very fact that you exist.

You make a lot of money to buy a new car. People notice, they admire it, notice it, praise your car, you get a short satisfaction, buti t goes away because you don’t realize that you did not do it to get a yes to your new car, but for the very fact that you exist.

THIS is why we always want new things, new goals because we look for the wrong element in the response.

THIS is why threats to the false self trigger the fear of death, because threats to the false self to the NPDer means: you do not exist. Because THAT is the original question everytime you go after narcissistic supply.

NPD, REAL SELF AND THE NEED TO CONTROL

If you have NPD, you only see a screen, a movie, and you try to direct that movie. Addx wrote something about in-group and out-group stuff and he wrote that maybe the real self does exist buti t is out-groupped, whatever that means. Which I did not fully understand back then, all I knew is that it rings true, and now I see that it is true.

NPDs lack a SENSE of self and not a self.

You do have a real self, but it is only in your brain, and it is not internalized, not connected to the self-object in your head simply because you never realized that you exist just like everyone else, so there is NO self object. Why would it be, since you have not realized that you are a LIVING person?

So you, instead of living your life (using your body) by your real self, you somehow try to „paint” your preferences, wishes, goals, etc.. into the „screen” you see, which is life. But it is dysfunctional, because you are trying to control what you don’t have control over, instead of trying to build your life by controlling what you DO HAVE control over, which is your body and mind.

But this is NOT a full stunt in emotional development. It is only one, although very important difference between normal functioning and NPD. Don’t believe anyone who tells you that you are an infant because you have learned a lot in your life just like anyone else, the only difference is that you have operated in a different way.

You can be sure that if an infant can realize that it exists as a seperate being and develope a sense of individuality, you can too. You have not lost that ability, it is built into every human.

Of course doing this only possible if the false self crumbled.

TO BE CONTINUED

Sam, this is a great blog post! I find your story to be inspiring.