I have attachment disorder. I was given away the day I was born and I never attached/bonded with my adoptive mother who had her own child three years later. I did attach somewhat to my adoptive father but he died when I was six years old. My trouble started before then with the DID, I regarded my alters as imaginary friends, I didn't know better.

The first person I really attached to, physically, emotionally, sexually was the man I married. He was killed six years later during a robbery.

Many people in my life died before him, but because there was no emotional connection I didn't actually care whether they lived or died. He was the first person I ever bonded with as an adult. I have never bonded with anyone like I did with him after his death. I had a tough time going through the grief process, it took me years before I could function again and I have never been the same since. It was number 7 who was out most of that time with him. Because he was there numbers 3, 4 and 5 took a backseat.

I'm eternally grateful that I had the chance to spend time with him and love him and the love I felt in return.

Juan, my friend, the time was too short and the task too long. I'll be home one day and I know you'll be there.

April 25, 2015

I thought the hard part of Juan dying, was Juan dying, but that's not true. The hard part of Juan dying was packing him up in a box. All his clothes, everything personal, items I would not be taking with me to the house, like his toothbrush. Everything that I packed into boxes was a part of him. And when it was all packed and the boxes were gone, everything tangible was gone.

It felt as if I had helped to somehow delete his existence or part thereof. Now all that was left was the Juan in my memories. Back then they were as tangible, as piercing, as hurtful as an item in a box.

Now, time separates my memories of Juan from the knife wielding emotions that were so close to the surface. And love. I remember not only the pain of losing him, but the the joy of loving him.

The new tribute song for Paul Walker is very apt.

Redneck