He f**kin pisses me off so much. I like him though. Why can't he just talk?? Everything that comes out of his mouth is sex related.

Can't he just f**king have a conversation?? And now he think's I'm b*tching at him probably, even though he said it was fine and not to worry.

Forgive me if I feel like crying/dying/self-medicating.... and not talking about your dick.

He said I couldn't scare him with this #######4... but I know better than that. He's not prepared at all. This will not work.

I'm not the girl he thinks I am. There's so many different sides... nothing's consistent. As soon as he meets stable me, it switches >.>

I almost think he's making me this crazy. Sounds like paranoia though. He can't do that. Can he?

Doesn't matter, he'll get sick of my bulls**t and leave me.

Six months since my last blog post. I went off medication then. I was fine up until a week or two ago.... maybe a month at most....

It started out small... missing sleep, eating less, focusing intensely on one thing only - ignoring anything else - and then it escalated.

No sleep or food for days, then crash and maybe eat a sandwich Can't think at all or extremely focused. Paranoid, thoughts of self harm/suicide. Every move I make is more seductive, I radiate sex. I swear its the (hypo)mania [whatever it is]. Random bouts of crying...

I feel like hallucinations and voices are going to come soon. There's been minor hallucinations, just shadows behind me n $#%^. Mostly just paranoia, that people know I'm screwed up right now. They know what I'm thinking

I know what's coming, I'm going to end up cutting myself to shreds, ending up in the hospital. Because I won't kill myself. As much as I might want to, I won't. Cutting is totally open though.

Here's to hoping I'm wrong, and that this just passes.

I have to go and pick up my little brother in about 10 minutes. He went to EDC this year. We live in Las Vegas so its not that far. I hope he had fun because he's been wanting to go. I hope it lived up to his expectations.

While he was out having the time of his life my broke a$$ sat at home and played WoW. I got my shaman up from level 50 to 56. Only 2 more levels and I'm in the outlands. Better gear! And closer to 85!

I've been very aggressive lately. Usually i'm only aggressive when I'm hypomanic, but I've been sleeping, so that can't be true. And I've been eating. So I can't be hypomanic, because I don't eat. So, random aggressiveness?

Feeling mostly stable, though I havent really acomplished much lately. Been meaning to break into a book, but I haven't even picked one up yet. Maybe 1964 or America. I think America would be more relevant. Still not taking meds. Just quit cold turkey. Not withdrawing anymore, so thats good. Withdrawals only lasted 3 days. It sucks having to lie to my mom about taking my meds though. And I think she's already onto me. She won't confront me though. She "trusts" me.

I saw my therapist again yesterday. We talked of how I need friends and general social integration. He's still learning about me. He's digging for my past traumas. I don't really have any except one. And I couldn't tell him about it. Even though he dug so hard for it. I know what he wants to hear. He wants to hear that I was sexually abused as a child, and how that royally screwed me up. I'm a 21 year old cutter virgin. I think it screwed me up plenty.

That's what he wants to hear. He'll have to dig harder if he wants the truth. Because I'd really rather not talk about it. Next appointment is on the 15th. Hopefully the conversation is better.

On another topic. I'm feeling stable. Sleeping ALOT. I think I just slept 12 hours. Which is so nice. Because I've been dreaming lately. So I just keep sleeping through the dream until it ends. I slept until 5pm yesterday chasing one of my sleep dreams. That was about 16 hours of sleep! And then I went to bed at 11pm. But its such a nice change from hardly sleeping at all to oversleeping.

But it can't stay that way. I need to sleep less and be more productive. I should read or something. Like volunteer or anything really.

I've always been a really messed up kid. Except before the 6th grade. I was normal. Fairly normal. But the cutting and depression didn't start until I was like 13. I was just your normal outcast.

I used to be smart, but years of ditching class and playing video games nonstop have dumbed me down quite a fair amount. It was mostly the ditching class. I'm very bad at going to school. Its a wonder I make it through college. I was on medication. So maybe that helped. I stopped my medication though. So here's to making it without!

I just want to write tonight, I don't care about what. I've lost interest in video gaming lately, so all i've been doing is sleeping. Which is nice, because usually I don't sleep enough. I think I slept for like 16 hours. I don't even care. I just don't. This may be a depression coming on but I'd like to just think i'm sleeping more. Maybe thats denial. Maybe.

I'm not feeling sad or slowed, numb or empty. I just feel like i'm going through the motions of life. And I need a shower. Just saying. That's on my list of things to do. After I wash my clothes. Maybe I am in a depression. lol. But i'm feeling so good! Even though i'm withdrawing from geodon. Everything is all over the place I suppose.

It could be worse. I could be delusional and hallucinating. So, thats good I guess. I just want someone to talk to. That's my shrink. I see him in a few days though. So, no one to talk to until then. If anyone reads these you should totally comment! Just an idea. I don't care if you talk about blue cheese on the moon. Maybe its mozzerella, or gouda.

I see my medication doctor on tuesday as well. I don't plan to tell him that i've completely stopped my medication. I think I'm just going to have him keep prescribing me the pills. I just won't take them. Because I need to make it look like i'm still taking the pills. I've got to be "compliant". So looks are everything at the moment. Which is bad. I'm probably asking for trouble. I don't care. Anything is better than the nothingness i felt on geodon. I don't think I'll ever go back on medication willingly. They'd have to court order me. And they can only do that if i'm involuntarily committed. Which won't happen. I'll just voluntarily go, and refuse medication. Simple as that. You've got more rights when you're voluntary.

I don't think i'll tell anyone I stopped my medication. They don't need to know. What happens, happens. And I can't wait for it to happen.