Okay, I've been searching for help. I have a problem. Let me start from the beginning.
My eldest brother suffers from cerebral palsy, and my entire childhood- my mom did not stay with me (parents are not separated) and my dad isn't exactly the loving type.
I have been a liar (without meaning to) from my childhood, and I have been sexually abused when I was a child (it didn't feel like an abuse, though)
Growing up, my elder brother (another one) kept dominating me or comparing me with my cousin brother who stayed with us. My brother would even force me to do things I didn't want to. He literally used to twist my arms.
Slowly, I feigned love for him. It happened on it's own. I actually believed myself. I knew I found him irritating and unwanted but still I respected him.
The somewhere around highschool, I got into a relationship and got cheated on. Yes, it was my first love.
It hurt. I was in a boarding school, I felt alone but never cried. I tried to take my life for reasons I can't remember. That phase of my life is a blur.
I thought everything would be okay.
It didn't.
My dad took me to a therapist, but my mom felt I was possessed by a spirit.
I'm 16 now, but I still haven't rebelled or gone against my parents.
Anyway, I never met the therapist again but I had to take part in rituals and what not.
Back to my brother, he manipulated me and made me look bad in front of my parents.
Being the weak, submissive sister I was, my parents never thought it was my fault.
Moving forward, he even made me lift up my shirt because he wanted to see my body type. I was obsessed with losing weight, I was dumb, I did it.
Now he would hug me weirdly and said I never hugged him properly. It sounds funny but he said my butt was too outwards, it should be inwards towards the person I was hugging.
Now, back to my elder brother, I know that he is suffering. But he does so many things to get attention. Shouts, screams, cries all day long. I'm suspecting that he even feigns illness. It isn't that we don't love him, we do. We do everything he asks, but still...
My father has never been affectionate. But he has always been there for me. We're good friends.
My mom, I don't know. She always makes me feel that marrying dad was a mistake. We're good friends, but... I feel trapped. Everything I do has to be under her.
I can't do anything on my own.
I feel suffocated.
So, around five months ago, my elder brother died. He was an alcoholic. He hit me, we fought. I never spoke to him again. I guess, I never will. I hadn't seen his face for a week or so, and when I did... I knew it was lifeless but it didn't look that way. I can't accept what happened. I'm angry that I couldn't be angry at him anymore. I don't know.
Now, I'm rude to people. My teachers say that I have lost that shine. My writing suddenly improved. I can laugh but still I feel different. None of my friends talk to me. I only have online friends.
I feel so alone.
Sadly, I think I like it that way.

i am 23 year old and doing a job as a designer.
now a days my feelings is very dirty and i start doing fantasy about dirty things.
i can't explain what should i do now ?

Alright let me start this off with some context, I am a 18 year old senior who's life revolves around animals. At my house I have a cat and 7 reptiles (all mine), but at my grandparents who i vist every weeked, has not just a cat, but a spawn of pure evil. Now this cat we bought from a home as a kitten and raise it up to the evil it is today, it has never been abused and has a life full of enrichment amd everything it needs. But even so this cat does not let anyone pet it, it never purs, it breaks stuff, attacks at random, and has a ever growing desire to murder. My cat at home is the complete oppisite, so needless to say I was taken back by the attitude, and tried many things to correct this behavior. But recently I have had this ever burning passion to strangle the cat, step on its neck, or simply kill it in anyway possible. This started when the cat decided to ######6 fling one of my gecko enlosers across the room, break in, and eat its tail. It must have thought the taste was good too, because now she wont ######6 leave any of my enclosures alone and i have to hide them in the basement. Ever since she touched my precious child, I've felt this way, and I have given up on trying to fix whatever mental problem this cat has, because whenever I see it, I get a visual image in my mind of abusing the thing. This freaks me out, I would never hurt my other animals or even my cat, but this ######6 evil has me going crazy, and these thoughts i have need to stop.

I saw that people on this website are able to have a blog, and I took that opportunity. Though I may not have much experience with blogging--besides having a tumblr account--I love to write. Amd I'd like to document everything that happens to me.

My name is Maggie. I'm an 18 year old caucasian (biological) female. I do prefer male pronouns, but not many people acknowledge that.

Thus far, my significant other (Autumn) and I have met two alters. The most prominent alter's name is Reiner. To my embarrassment, he is a character from the anime "Attack on Titan". Reiner Braun is a rather tall, muscular blonde boy. If you want more information on the character, check the anime's wiki.

He is friendly most of the time, but he can be pretty aggressive or sad or angry or confused or frustrated... He's an alter. He's a person... Kind of. I like to think that he is his own person.

Strangely enough, I've spoken to him, before. A few nights ago, I switched to Reiner mode. Autumn told me that he was freaking out and panicking and speaking in German. (For the record, I only know how to say a few things in German.) Somehow, in the midst of his anxiety attack, my mind showed up. I felt as if he was sitting directly next to me... And I started speaking to him (in English). After a while of using Google Translate and trying to calm him down, he began speaking in English, again. Reiner was talking to Autumn and me about what was bothering him, why he was so afraid... This experience was one of the weirdest and scariest things I've ever been through.

(TRIGGER WARNING BELOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I've been raped, molested, and I found my mother dead. This felt equal to all of those things. Maybe it shouldn't have been up that high, but it definitely was.

(TRIGGER WARNING IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

The past few days and nights, I've been able to speak to him. The three of us--Reiner, Autumn, and myself--have a pretty good relationship. For some reason, though, last night, I completely forgot about everything. I forgot the progress we had made by somehow getting my two personalities to interact... Everything. After Autumn tried to remind me for half an hour, I remembered everything. And I'm glad.

My other alter, we found, is a 28 year old woman named Scarlette. She is, apparently, a kindergarten teacher. Autumn really hates her and claims that Scarlette is a b****. "She's one of those women who believe themselves to be 'cool' and 'one with the teens'." I don't exactly blame Autumn for disliking Scarlette. We don't know much else about this alter, besides the fact that she likes pigs and the color teal.

Thank you so much for reading... If you have anything to say or ask, please do so!

If you wanted to email me, my email is tamakisrose@gmail.com . Thank you!

I love you. You're important.

♡

when I was a child I used to force myself into peoples lives. I used beg for attention from everyone even random strangers. I couldn't tell when I was being rejected and hence constantly acted dramatically. the problem is that I cant tell whether im still like that and I don't know why I do it. its like I have no control over how I act or who i open up to. I open up to people ive just met and I end up feeling worse cos I think theyre laughing behind my back.