I am a 19 year old girl and I have this male character about my age in my head, he has a name and characteristics and personality and everything already thought out for him. He's not alone, he has a bunch of friends...also in my head. I switch mainly between him and me, his friends are all just there for some reason.

When I was in middle school I was bullied and alone so I started "creating friends" to entertain me during lunches...now, everytime I find myself feeling lonely, they're automatically there. Sometimes they're there when I'm hanging out with other (real) people but that doesn't happen too often.

I started out thinking I have DID but now I'm confused, I can tell him to leave and he will but then he comes back again. It's mostly him talking to me and giving me advice and helping me but sometimes I actually become him and I end up just sitting on my sofa, staring at the wall, or walking around my room living in this imaginary world in my head. Sometimes I end up making faces or using body language without realizing that I am. Sometimes when something happens to me (when I am him) that saddens "him", I physically cry. Or I can feel pain (I don't know how to explain that).

I often find myself isolating myself from friends and family just to be him in that world.

I'm just wondering if anyone else experiences this? What is this? I can't seem to put a word on it. Also, I have no idea why I'm suddenly identifying with a male...

I haven't seen any posts similar to this so if someone experiences this I would be really glad if they could share cause I am so confused all the time.



- Penny

It has been quite some time since I was both active on the forums or in my blog (not that its much of one) but giving the new year is around the corner and the sad news of a sub-forum closing to read only I thought it was time to make a new start on here and in the real world. Despite the news about the forum I will still be using this blog as an outlet so please read with caution.

The reason for my long inactivity was as my granddad was having a lengthy battle with kidney cancer which took his life not long ago, it was a very rapid downfall and hit everyone very hard and he sadly passed away just under 2 weeks ago and was buried 2 days ago so as you can imagine things are still raw not just with myself but family to.
--
As for myself things have been going up and down throughout the year and it has been rather hard to find some level ground amongst it all and much as before my mind is still my worst enemy constantly flooding my head and not being able to stop it. Silence is bad enough but uncontrolled thoughts are the absolute worst.

Despite all that I do actually feel like I am in a much stronger position to keep myself out of the majority of harm and speaking from where I was to how I feel now this is one of many bricks in my foundation to staying strong. I still have things that need to be worked our and sorted through but its at least one hell of start and its something I can for once say I'm proud of.

I still do view loli/toddlercon from time to time along with /r34/ to take the sting off so things are perhaps not as strong and I'm not as clean as I should be but all said and done its a step in the right direction. I know looking that stuff it is doing just as much harm as it is good but for now I'd rather use it as a safety net than have nothing but a dark abyss again. I crawled out from there before and I intend on staying out of it.

Even though there are very select few in my life that 'know' and I put it like that as at times I feel they don't quite fully understand to extent of things which I suppose is not their fault although one person does not understand how hard it is to talk to them about things, what I think, feel or thoughts I have. I know they wont want to hear it who does and I just cannot get past that.

My pedophilia is one on a list of things which plagues me and to be honest while I feel safer and stronger, actual support is not a lot, aside from things I have put in place like not watching television, movies and even limiting the music I listen to. Keeping myself busy with new projects, learning new languages and gaming there is not much else. It may be slow going but its all a start right.

I expect things to be pushed and pulled but hopefully by then I can take it.

Tulula ~

Okay, I've been searching for help. I have a problem. Let me start from the beginning.
My eldest brother suffers from cerebral palsy, and my entire childhood- my mom did not stay with me (parents are not separated) and my dad isn't exactly the loving type.
I have been a liar (without meaning to) from my childhood, and I have been sexually abused when I was a child (it didn't feel like an abuse, though)
Growing up, my elder brother (another one) kept dominating me or comparing me with my cousin brother who stayed with us. My brother would even force me to do things I didn't want to. He literally used to twist my arms.
Slowly, I feigned love for him. It happened on it's own. I actually believed myself. I knew I found him irritating and unwanted but still I respected him.
The somewhere around highschool, I got into a relationship and got cheated on. Yes, it was my first love.
It hurt. I was in a boarding school, I felt alone but never cried. I tried to take my life for reasons I can't remember. That phase of my life is a blur.
I thought everything would be okay.
It didn't.
My dad took me to a therapist, but my mom felt I was possessed by a spirit.
I'm 16 now, but I still haven't rebelled or gone against my parents.
Anyway, I never met the therapist again but I had to take part in rituals and what not.
Back to my brother, he manipulated me and made me look bad in front of my parents.
Being the weak, submissive sister I was, my parents never thought it was my fault.
Moving forward, he even made me lift up my shirt because he wanted to see my body type. I was obsessed with losing weight, I was dumb, I did it.
Now he would hug me weirdly and said I never hugged him properly. It sounds funny but he said my butt was too outwards, it should be inwards towards the person I was hugging.
Now, back to my elder brother, I know that he is suffering. But he does so many things to get attention. Shouts, screams, cries all day long. I'm suspecting that he even feigns illness. It isn't that we don't love him, we do. We do everything he asks, but still...
My father has never been affectionate. But he has always been there for me. We're good friends.
My mom, I don't know. She always makes me feel that marrying dad was a mistake. We're good friends, but... I feel trapped. Everything I do has to be under her.
I can't do anything on my own.
I feel suffocated.
So, around five months ago, my elder brother died. He was an alcoholic. He hit me, we fought. I never spoke to him again. I guess, I never will. I hadn't seen his face for a week or so, and when I did... I knew it was lifeless but it didn't look that way. I can't accept what happened. I'm angry that I couldn't be angry at him anymore. I don't know.
Now, I'm rude to people. My teachers say that I have lost that shine. My writing suddenly improved. I can laugh but still I feel different. None of my friends talk to me. I only have online friends.
I feel so alone.
Sadly, I think I like it that way.

Im a 19 year old male, believe it or not studying psychology at university. I just cant seem to find myself! I thought university would change this with me living away from home, i thought it would be the part of my life where i would blossom but no, nothings changed.
I have zero confidence, i cant talk to people, i shy away all the time. Ive always been an attractive person, but the exterior just doesnt reflect whats inside. I dont have many friends atall, i know alot of people and people know me but know one that i could actually get into a deep coversation with. One thing that is worrying me alot is the excessive alcohol im drinking, I drink quite often as i believe it gives me more confidence, i am able to conversate with people and actually feel like i have a purpose. Im not an alcoholic as i can take it or leave it but i do feel that if i do not start to get help i will end up turning to drink.
My family is pretty messed up to be honest, my mother is amazing but shes just under so much preassure with work and helping my sister who is a single mother and battleing a cannabis and alcohol addiction. I just dont want to talk to her and put more worries into her head, she wouldnt deal with it. my mother has been on anti-depressents for as long as i can remember.
I feel like i am really blabbing on here but this is the first time ive actually been able to think about the way i feel and what crap is actually in my head. Its getting to the stage where i just dont know which direction i am going in or how to get there. I am not suicidal but the thought has crossed my mind a few times.
I know by writing this im not going to be instantly fixed/cured but it has helped alot, im not asking for answers, just maybe someone to talk to or someone with advice.

Thankyou for taking the time to read this.
Mike

Hello, I am a slightly troubled teenager. All my life (besides my ADHD) I didn't really think I had any psychiatric problems. Then, when I was 13 years old, I stumbled upon conduct and antisocial personality disorder when I was browsing the internet. Intrigued by the similarities I had with the disorders (conduct disorder since I'm not 18). My symptoms tend to be more related to primary psychopathy (high functioning antisocial personality disorder) than conduct related though.

. I am unable to form real connections with others (including family), and only make friends for monetary, reputable, or general control purposes.
. I enjoy causing pain and am aggressive, which has caused me to get into a lot of fights.
. I am manipulative, and don't have symptoms of lying, which has allowed me to get people to do things for me, and has gotten me out of psychiatric evaluation multiple times
. I have a group of "friends" (slaves), that are stupid, violent, and easily manipulative, that I get to fight with others, and generally intimidate people since I am pretty weak and don't want to get in trouble.
. I have VERY high self worth, and think everyone I know is below me. I want to control people.
. Whenever I see a person in pain (even if I caused it), I feel nothing.
. I never understood why people feel guilty, since I have never felt guilt for any of my actions.
. I don't understand altruism and have no desire to help others.

If I do have conduct disorder, I have already learned how to blend in reasonably well. I am also very intelligent (My IQ is 157). I would really like for people who actually have conduct disorder to see if my symptoms show signs (not a professional diagnosis obviously) of conduct disorder.