OK. so first of all my name is Phil and i am 17 years old and a few months ago i have had the fear of becoming gay. I am a very anxious person and have always worried about things ever since i was about 5. for example, i would worry that i would go deaf, blind, have a heart condition etc. Every time i get over a fear and stop worrying a new worry comes to my mind maybe a few weeks later. my longest fear was that i had a retinal detachment because i saw floaters in my vision which were completely normal. i went to the doctors 3 times in 2 years. they scanned my eyes and did the best eye exam i ever experienced but afterwards i would always convince myself that there was still something wrong. i would always check and squint to see these things floating in my vision to the point i would feel sick and have panic attacks. when i was 11, i also felt a pain in my eye 24/7 and it got me really worried. but 1 month later when i went to the doctors and they said everything was OK, i never felt it again. it is clear to me that this was pain that i was causing by thinking!
now to the HOCD. A few months ago, i had this dream that i was watching 2 men kissing eachother. i felt no pleasure in the dream whatsoever. i then woke up sweating and panicking, disgusted by this dream. this was always in the back of my mind for 1 month until i really started to think about it. i was forcing these gay thoughts on myself to see if i would get aroused. it didnt at first but i was thinking about not getting an erection so bad that it increased in size a tiny bit and i had a panic attack. it didnt feel like an erection i would get though that i would get when i think of something nice like girls. Before all this, i had never had a gay thought and i actually used to think about gay stuff to make my erection go down when i had an unwanted one when i was in school last year:) I have always loved girls ever since i can remember and and i know deep down that I am not gay and this is just a worry like my other OCD problems in the past. I always look for attention from girls when i am shopping for example. i am apparently a cute/attractive guy and i love it when i know girls are checking me out. today i saw this girl and i would walk around her on purpose so she would see me because i knew she was checking me out and i just love that tingly feeling. But then i thought "what if i am just imagining this attraction" and gay images came into my head and i started to worry again. I have never checked out guys in my life until this HOCD kicked in. As soon as i see a good looking man, i just look and fear that i am attracted to him which i know im not but i just wait for ages for some feeling to make myslef worry even more. I cant control it.
However, when i am totally relaxed and haven't thought about gay things all day and then think about it, it doesnt do anything to me. i dont worry and i dont feel disgusted. but the more i think and think i find it hard to breathe and get this weird feeling. yesterday when i was really relaxed, i had an erection and went on gay porn to check if this is just my mind and my erection went down so fast.
This HOCD was much worse than it is now but it keeps coming and going and i want it to stop because it is really ridiculous but i cant control it whatsoever and it is ruining my life. it is as if i am like possessed and there is another person inside me making me worry.
please help me. i dont know how to stop it. i have had so many OCD problems in the past but this is really the worst one.
thanks for reading!

Hello dear reader, I've recently discovered my disorders and wrote something a while ago in a blog. Sorry if it's too long but I can't really divide it into part, you may find it very boring but I want to thank you to whoever read the whole thing or even just looked at!

Introduction, burning iceberg/frozen flame
I’m not very good at writing; in fact I suck pretty much at everything.

I think of myself as a walking bag of issues. I’m a highly sensitive person, I have borderline personality disorder, social anxiety, I have little bit of OCD and ADD and I often think that I’m bipolar.

I understand that everybody goes through some kind of stress in their lives and that other people might have bigger problems than me…honestly I don’t give a ###$, ###$ those people! ###$ people who judge ( I do that sometimes too but then I get punished at night by my over thinking habit), ###$ people who pretend to be nice, ###$ overconfident people, ###$ people who are shy, ###$ people that like politics, ###$ people that are into religion now that I think of it, ###$ everybody! Myself included!!

I’m sorry I didn’t meant to offend anyone (maybe I did), so I have extreme mood swings(as you’ve already noticed), sometimes I wanna meet people but most of the times I hate people. It’s probably because of my social anxiety, every time I’m in public I feel like everybody’s staring at me, I always thought it was some teenage stuff and that it would eventually subside but it never truly did, in fact sometimes I feel like it’s gotten worse. Each pair of eyes feels like a burn and I start sweating and panicking and I keep telling myself “oh god why are people staring at me? Is it because I’m overweight? (at a time I was but even after I lost weight I felt the same way) is my hair messed up?” Sometimes I do feel ok when I’m in public, most of the time it’s when I’m drunk or in an extremely good mood, unfortunately both don’t last very long and don’t happen very often and sometimes are mutually exclusive.

I feel like I’m the ugliest person in the world, the most weird too but at the same time I realize that I’m just an ordinary guy, nothing special at all. Other times I label myself very special because I’m pathetic and I want that pity but there’s just no one in my world that would ######6 understand me so I only have myself, which is just not enough but sometimes can be overwhelming. My biggest fear and my biggest enemy are both- myself. I tend to over think stuff, stuff that other healthy normal people don’t even care about, don’t notice. I like to analyze my day right before going to sleep, every ######6 time. Every time before going to sleep my brain’s like “Oh you wanna rest? ###$ that! Let’s go through all the ###$ up $#%^ that happened today. The mean stuff people said to you or you said to them. The stupid awkward situations you put yourself or others to, about how it’s gonna haunt you for a couple of years until you do something more ###$ up, which is gonna happen pretty soon by the way.

I always feel lonely and sometimes I just wish I had a girlfriend, actually every guy wants that…but then I remember what it’s like for me to be in a relationship with someone. It’s ######6 hell, both for me and for the unluckiest girl in the world who agreed to be in a relationship with me. Whenever I’m in a relationship (which is SUPER rare now) I tend to idealize (or even idolize) my partner and I cling very tightly to that person. Thinking she can understand me, support me and just always be there (which is literally ALWAYS) and of course eventually I get disappointed, always. Because I’m a selfish bastard, the very kind of people that I hate. It is part of the curse of having the borderline personality disorder, no one will ever be good enough for you and you’re never gonna be good enough for anyone as well. When people I’m really attached to stop messaging me or talking to me for whatever reasons (busy, not in the mood) I instantly take it the wrong wa...

[ Continued ]

I find that my hardest days are days like today where I wake up just loathing myself. From the moment my eyes open the flood of negative thoughts drown out any positive I can see. In these times even my children laughing and smiling outside my bedroom door cause me tears.
I feel alone, which is hard to do when you live with five other people but there it is. I can never seem to pin point just why some days the pain is so overwhelming and all consuming that lasting the next five minutes seems impossible.
I am worthless, unloved, and discarded. These are the thoughts that are an unending cycle in my mind. The more I attempt to distract myself from these thoughts the more invading they seem.
Any advice out there?

Everyone has a dream no matter how simple it is or impossible to achieve we do the best we can to achieve it in a good way of course. As a young girl my dream was to get married in church, have children, have a house, a steady income and so on and so forth. You know what I'm saying. My first husband was very dedicated and ambitious. He was an excellent provider and I always knew I could count on him. The demise of my first marriage was lacking the skill of understanding of a wife and being supportive. Although, we were blessed with 2 great sons I didn't give it my all. I was so confident in fact overly confident that since we had everything that I became so comfortable. After 15 years of marriage it ended due to lack of things in my part like communication and just being a wife. It was a devastating experience but, only when I stepped back did realize he was always reaching out to me but I was not emotionally available. Although, there was a different type of love it was more of respect I had for him. While the divorce was in process I dipped my toes in the dating scene to realize that boy oh boy it was so different way back then when men will come over to your house, court you, bring you presents and ask your parents permission. Now it became more of a meat market. For a few years I enjoyed it. After 3 years my divorce was finalized. But, the dating scene made me feel more empty that finding a man is quite difficult a good one I should say. With so many options, technology and how society views a relationship which was a hush hush before was just normal. Of course due to my religious belief I never stopped praying and hoping that someday I will be blessed with the right man more so a man of God. As I continue my search I was asked to meet a man by my room mate’s best friend who happens to be her best friend’s room mate. I was hesitant for I already have set my standards of what I wanted and who I wanted to be man of God, ethnicity wise, height, education, looks, financial status, morals, loyalty, fidelity and values you name it I had it written down. When I met this man he was 40 and the first thing he said he just got home at 5am for he was in the club with friends in their 20's. That, not to sound judgmental should be the first big red flag. He was grilling some meat and as soon as it was cooked he was serving everyone and making sure all the ladies were taken care of red flag number 2. As the afternoon dies and getting closer to the evening he wanted to talk to me more. We sat down he told me he is separated although his family is in San Diego him and his wife still share one house but separate bedroom because they have 2 daughters. Then we started praying together now that one was a big plus for me since most of the man I dated either doesn't believe in God or doesn't practice their religion at all. I really liked him. He sent me roses at work and we would talk on the phone for hours. From that day we were inseparable. Everything happened so quick we moved in together and got a place. After 4 months I noticed he placed some ads and searching on craigslist for fun. That should be red flag number 3. I never did confronted him until I found out on his face book which he posted our pictures that he has strings of women again red flag number 4. That same year he filed for divorce and the ink wasn't dry on his divorce papers he wanted us to get married before 2010 ended. I was happy don't get me wrong but quite confused as to what the rush was since our sponsors will be in Bahamas and won't be back until first week of January 2011 found out due to taxes that may have been red flag number 5 but I was aware about it but I still filed Married filing separate. The course of our marriage was very chaotic since his daughter moved in with us she still couldn't grasp the divorce that happened to her parents even if both have their own partners. For months I subjected my self with verbal abuse and demeaning things both my second husband and...

[ Continued ]

So for my first post, Im just going to do this as a journal I guess. I don't know.

So basically, Im a teen. Please don't even ATTEMPT to judge me because I've been through so much already and I am going to lose it.

I feel so sad, hopeless, and SO angry all the time and I don't get why certain things happen to me. I mean, I was never a bad person. I don't know why I deserve all this at such a young age and I'm so depressed and It's so UNFAIR.

I hate me, I hate everyone, I hate the world. I hate everything. I never wanted to feel this way. I never EVER did. And now I do, and everything freaking sucks.

My family thinks I'm emo and my friends think I'm outgoing and happy and I'm going to lose it. I can't be who I really am because I'm so afraid of being judged and I hate it so much.

I spend most of the time in the bathroom breaking down to the point where I have to cover my mouth to make myself quiet.

I'm a TEEN.

I never wanted to be like this AT ALL. I wanted to worry about my looks, my studies, and pop stars such as One Direction or Justin Bieber or something but NO. Life will not permit it and IT'S UNFAIR.

I want to be normal and so many bad experiences happened to me at such a young age and I'm trying my best to BE happy but I can't and I don't know why.

Instead of being HAPPY I'm depressed, hopeless, angry and I HATE IT SO MUCH.

I don't know what to do. I don't see any future of mine. I want to die but I don't and I really don't know what to do anymore and I'm sick of it!

I want to have dreams and I want to have crushes but I don't and as I said so many times,

IT'S SO FREAKING UNFAIR.

I'm too young and all these experiences and troubles in family, friends, school, and life is just piling and piling.

I thought that maybe, this was a phase or something but I've always been this way ever since I was young and I've only realized it this year.

I've always been quiet and emo. Even in school, but I changed myself because there were people who teased me so, in a snap, after one summer, wow, I was happy on the outside. People used to say that I was really quiet and I always looked like I was mad and I just realized that I was just really sad. And now that developed into depression. I know you think I'm lying since I'm too young but we're all different here and we go through different things and I just had to go through many things at a young age.

I'm really tired. I really am. I tried everything. I even self harm. I have scars from razors and my parents think it's something I got from my dad called Keloid wherein you just get tiny scratches and they turn to look like scars and I agreed so they won't be suspicious. But after awhile, they did of course, so I started to cut elsewhere other than my wrist.

Anyways, other than that rather disturbing paragraph, I just want help.

I don't want to be some depressed teenager with anxiety. I hate always being jumpy, nervous and I want to be NORMAL.

So. If anyone reads this. Please help me before this gets worse. I'm really tired of feeling this way and I don't think I can hold my sadness and anger in any longer. I just want to scream at the world that I'm upset and lost and to help me but I can't. I have no one to talk to. No one I trust.

But I know there are people out there who will understand and that's why I am here now. I don't like thinking of suicide or anything. I really don't. And I want it to stop. So if anyone can PLEASE help me, just... HELP ME.

Please, I'm begging you. I'm so desperate and I just really need someone to be there for me right now.