WHERE TO START????....OH YEAH, ZEE BEGINNING, LOL>>>>>>>>>> THIS IS LOOOOONG!
Im 23, got diagnosed a month ago after a FAILED suicide attempt....

The day I tried to kill myself was mothers day, it triggered so much and after a telephone conversation with my dad where he was basically telling me to be more open with him, I just lost it.....

I was repeatedly raped from age 6 to 9 by 3 men who some how decided to make me their toy....my biological mother is what you call a ''SHEBEEN QUEEN". She was that drunk lady down you street you always heard stories about, from the many men who come in and out of her house, poor condition of the house and how her kids just had to deal with all this......*depends on where u grew up*.....anyways, she wasnt around most nights and during the day she either slept or tried to fight off her hang over....it felt normal for me, living like that, I didnt know there was any other way a family lived but it all changed when I met my father, at 6 years old......I didnt know I had a father till I met him, I never questioned who my daddy was because I ddnt know what a daddy was........

life was a bit different during the small occassions he would come and buy me gifts, "ILL NEVER FORGET MY 1ST BIKE"....i felt somehow loved when he bought me stuff and gave my mother money and 3 out of 7 nights we had food to eat at home......I really loved my father......school for me is a blur, dont know why, I had different recollections of certain events but its like i slept whenever I went to school and woke up when it was over.......I remember the 3 men who did things to me and threatened me repeatedly but somehow I dont remember doing homework and writing tests at that age.........
I was around 9 when i started visiting my father during school holidays and eventually met my step mother and older brother. i remember how kind and gentle my step mom was and how I tried to sleep with my older brother when I was 9 and how the nanny caught me naked on the floor and my brother standing by the door looking confused..........that episode was not shared with my father or step mother.......I thought all boys touched girls the way the 3 men touched me.......

anyways, long story short, my step mom was a social worker who noticed my weird behaviour around my brother and other male siblings, I dont know how I acted weird as I have never asked ..........my step mom had to literally hit me for me to tell her about the 3 men back at home....I got taken away from my mother and out in a place of safety after many questions and cross examinations.......that year was the best, I had soo much fun, even though I started being a bully........

a year later I started living with my father, wasnt allowed to talk aor see my biological mother and thats when my step mom became "the grinch".......i wasnt allowed to sit alone with my dad and my brother mostly lived with his biological mother.......LONG STORY SHORT: my step mom was emotionally and physically abusing me and my father being a busy business man was not around all the time.....I acted out by bullying kids at school and got into lots of trouble and went from a star student to a barely passing student.....somehow i did well in school when I was living with my mother and when I was at the place of safety.......anyways, I mostly bullied boys, started hating them, purberty came and i hated them more as I ddnt understand why my body was changing and "crushes"........

High school came along and I was put into a boarding school, learnt about sex, drugs and alcohol......my dad was very strict, wasnt allowed to have friends over when i was in primary......my dad did hit me many times when i got into trouble, its his way of discipline....anyways, I failed 1 year in high school barely made it out alive, developed many eating disorders and was obese by the time I finished high school............made friends, and i did love being away from home ALOT.......high school was the best time for me......

in primary I was bulimic, and i started cutting myself after I watched a movie and saw someone doing it........got to high school and started binge eating, many suicide attempts, NEVER SERIOUS ENOUGH TO BE HOSPITALIZED........had my first kiss in 10th grade, had sex when i was 18 and went from boyfriend to bf...........I LOVED BEING WANTED........they gave me the attention I was craving from back as a child......I went out of my way to please them, I tried being smart and pretty and it ddnt work as I wasnt smart or pretty........but I thought i could be the best gf.......what boys ddnt give me I got from food, books and movies.........I had friends but none were close enough to know about my past, they knew about my step mom though.......

i went to tertiary, I started partying, getting drunk a few times, tried weed,..........it was fun.....i hated home and still do, and i dnt know when i started hating my dad but I do......I dnt hate my step mom but I hate my dad.......he has been pushing me to be smarter, better, cleaner and the pressure got to me all the time......I couldnt pass well in school as i was busy cutting myself, getting drunk, high, dating, hiding my shame and worthlessness and just busy going from one thing to the other.......eventually I snapped.......i fell inlove with this guy and when we broke up I snapped.....slept with his friend and tried to kill myself, but ddnt do it.........

i got a rebound who i gave my all to, he was perfect to me, every thing was either great or not, good or bad, up or down.......i fell pregnant, couldnt have a bby, my step mom would have been so happy, i would be the failure she always thought me to be, my father would disown me and i ddnt even have my diploma......I had an abortion, dumped the guy and after many episodes alone isolated i went to church........I found a great church with great ppl and even though back in hgih school I got saved it really only made sense to me last year.....I was a church going, Jesus loving, happy looking girl........I buried my demons and became the girl they thought I am.......i was happy though...........year ended and I moved back home and started working for my dad......I was away from ppl I truly loved and ppl who cared for me and got thrown back into this hell hole ....being around my dad and step mom was hard......I overdosed on mothers day as I was thinking about how I dnt know what motherly love is, my dad wants to be close to me now, im freaking 23 ITS TOO LATE AND SOOOO MUCH JUST SURFASSED AND I SNAPPED.....also i failed my degree year......was hospitalized and put on meds for deppression after being diagnosed with BPD and ill start seeing a psychiatrist next week.........half the time I dnt know how I feel, im not okay though I look okay.....I need help with dealing with so much and I just dnt know where to start......i feel lost, hopeless and empty, but because im not falling apart on the outside ppl think im fine......IM NOT......