I miss him and I kind of hate him too. I wish Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind was real and I could go to a doctor and have a machine take away my memory of his existence. I would give almost anything for that. He is a real a-hole. It's been 12 years and I'm still wondering what the lesson is, what haven't I processed from this so that I can move forward. I'm not the type to linger over a guy, not at all. I have done everything I can to move on including just accepting that some feelings will always be there but "life goes on" and blah blah. I do that for years at a time and I feel better for so long that I really have forgotten for a bit, then I have some stupid dream about him or something and I get fixated for months afterwards. I am so tired of this cycle. Why him? He is not that special, frankly I could find a him in any damn bar in America if I took a good look around, I'm sure. Emotionally stupid, intellectually a little above average, not that great in bed but a sweet kisser. Good at fixing cars. There are millions of men like him in the USA, and very few women like me. So wtf is my problem? ugggggggh. Even my dreams of him are not satisfying at all. There is always an awkward or painful separation between us that I or we are trying to pretend doesn't exist. The dreams are always telling me it wasn't meant to be, then why don't they go away?