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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/index_sid-5fc1ead0ac5dfa789e04b4d5d790b5c5_start-35.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Sun Mar 30, 2025 9:26 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | The purpose of extremely starting over… |
The purpose of extremely starting over… . I set out a small vision; Place of dwelling+subject of interest or desire+transportation; end result or purpose. . So I prayed about all of this; (where I started out-What was my purpose or intent or direction-transportation to the direction-and finally the end result). What did I find? I had no end result. . The more I prayed about it; That if I was under God; I would be starting out at the lowest levels. In this society it would mean; Fast food places for work; Id be starting out at something simple but something realistic in society under God. A new present; a new place; meaning; in the present. . Part of me likes it and understands it and respects it. Part of me does not. I think the part of me that doesn’t has to be tamed under God. Im split in half. . I can see many things. . I see myself making Art work; and doing something with it; getting nothing for it at first; doing it because I like it and going from there. And something seems Oke about that. Im doing something I like; I can see a life style behind it. For a second; I saw money coming in from other sources. Work or what ever; and I saw pictures that I created and the people I would associate with concerning those pictures. And for a moment; I saw women coming to me because I was not going to them. Something like that; like suddenly Im respected? I can see something; something innocent. Yes! Do I have the guts for this; Ill pray about it. But it is making sense. Its like saying in my imagination; I become a school teacher and do Art on the side… As Artist and those are the people I associate with; Educated Artists. I can see something here. Or What ever Artists; I don’t have to have conditions. Its a place of action; but I can see something. Unfortunately; other things creep in; but they don’t have to. . I saw something else; I saw something stopping me; I saw myself in a clerical position but not being responsible enough for the jOb. However; what I know about myself right now; its all a form of skills; and I know I can learn any of those skills. I cant spell my last name. Thats because I never learned to; I was destroyed out of the school system from the start… So; now; I know I can memorize words and learn them if I have a reason. . I realize Ive stopped myself from being part of society because I was stopped from being part of society when young. And I have defensive walls up. Now; With enough work I think; and God; maybe windows and doors can open up for me. Signs indicate growing into the present reality beyond the past… As if several areas of self have been replanted and are growing very well in the garden of the present under Gods care; Soon; as I grow again; and grow enough; its a new me replanted and growing; many forms of me; many plants of different natures that represent or stem from me; many colors of me; many shades; all me tho. Thus; all of these plants are growing up independently and represent the new me in the present; and they have no past… . Sexual abuse; However; a link does exist but an understanding its the past trying to fuse within the present; and that is sexual abuse time period. However; as I get stronger Ill ask God to help me deal with the PTSD.. . I know Im to chicken to try some things that require more character; me admitting Im scared. I have to learn how to serve others and have many skills. Whats it like going beyond 12 years old in my mind; Its all blank where I was traumatized. However; I can work with God on those things. Im scared; frightened. I was completely abandon thrown away and forgotten; given away permanently. Im lucky Im alive; Numerous times it would have been suicide for me when young. I had a theropist who told me I had long term PTSD when very young; that is the only reason I survived anything… . Im scared tho… Scared to go forward…. . So; Ill pray abou... [ Continued ] |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Mon Mar 24, 2025 12:55 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Im at that place; of working with God for a wife… |
Im at that place; of working with God for a wife… Im not a bad looking old man… So; On that point; Ill be OK… Thank God, But I am an Old man… It doesn’t bother me so much. . What does bother me… Im opening up in areas where I was slaughtered all of my life every-time I opened up. I had no protection. I was easily lied to by liars.. its that simple; I was never around the right people. . Im now understanding I came from nothing; So… Im not having a problem accepting that. Ive learned the hard way and God has shown me. Now completely accepting that; The truth is good enough; Im not hiding side quests; I know the score; and its all oKe. Its well understood; my social lack of; My meager position in life: And this acceptance is well won; This took a very long long long time in the recovery process to allow God to finally show me the truth; to get up to its frequency that would allow-it-to-kind-of-just slip into my reality of awareness; Great! Fantastic really; I have no more reservations concerning this. I get it. Its very important because it actually gives me independence. Ive not needed to be someone Im not; Im Ok. Im accepting exactly what I came from; because Ive proven that I can handle the truth of it. . NOTE: I have no hair anymore… Neither did my Grandfather when he was my age; HUge bald spot! Hurray… I really don’t care; but ya know; this is reality in all… . Whats the problem then? Im not sure I know of anyone with enough depth I can consider. Im not sure I know of a group I can define in society for looking for a Wife; Not in this country; Where do I look for a women/friend within. Notice I said group of people; not a specific person. Im interested in values; people with my values… I feel totally alone in society; Alienated… . NOTE: Notice I said Women/friend; Not Partner… However; if God says otherwise and says; “ OMNICELL: YOU WILL CLEAN UP DRESS UP: YOU WILL BE LOOKING FOR A PARTNER TO SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH AND YOU WILL NEED LOTS OF MONEY” AND I DONT PRESENTLY HAVE LOTS OF MONEY! SO BE IT! . Ill be working with God on how to change my mind and attitude and how to get lots of money. If God tells me women are cute but unfortunately very un-depth-full and hes going to send me one of those kind; So be it; Ill work with it… I will do what GOD tells me to do to have what I want to have.. . BEGGERS CANT BE CHOOSY… I must be appropriate of the chance to be with someone and fight for the right for all of this to take place and I must get the help and inner social structures to help support me and use if we are together to make things work under God. I am not suppose to drop out this time. I am suppose to tell this person the truth of who I am up front and to learn to make things work. If this women turns out to be a serial killa or something; thats different.. but ya know what I mean! Because in this day n age; I have no idea what I will will happen… I don’t know. And I have to be prepared for that. . Its as if Im from another planet or country or society or world or galaxy. I do not fit into these societies of spoiled people? Privileged people; they seem to me half pathological. In Their society Im a Joke or a laughing stock. I have no credibility because I don’t have privilege from some family system that creates false pretentious grandiosity; Meaning; and Ill explain more; Meaning; and here is an example; So; Im imagining Im talking about someones family system from these spoiled groups; Ill imagine; If their Great Great Great Grandfather was a Senator in 1850 and The Father owns the local Car Distributor business dealership in town and is successful. Or their kid is from a Farmer family and has money or something like that. Or they live in a nice solid house and have a good retirement or something. And on n on. Its not just that I don’t fit into any of that with these people; And let me say fir... [ Continued ] |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Wed Mar 19, 2025 9:00 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Changes are occurring…. Incredible changes; but its not easy; |
Changes are occurring…. Incredible changes; but its not easy; but it is real… . God is responsible for all things occurring; . Changes are occurring…. Incredible changes; but its not easy; but it is real… . God is responsible for all things occurring; . Its magnificent; what is happening. But its not easy; its real; real change… . Fear! Its like coming out of the darkness of a cave; everything that was in the cave is gone… For I come out into the light and everything is not what it seemed; for everything was shadows on the walls. . . Im coming into a new life… What does this mean; I don’t know; I have to deal with the tragedy of the past… For; their would be no escape from the death of my past life… I did not make it. I died… . In the video games I play ( My Hobby); One of them; When one is overwhelmed by the enemy; They die… However; I can push a keyboard button and I am resurrected back to life again… and I start over; the game starts over and continues. . And so; this is what happened to me; I died. And all was gone; and I was in the shadows of the dark… And I was re seeded into the ground In an other ground somewhere I do not know; Only God knows where the Garden is; And I was a seed; and the young me from the past; my original soul with God; I was allowed to poor water on the ground and plant food along with God as sun; Sun Light; And I was able to put plant food and water onto myself; My self in the ground… For with God being in control and power; I was given permission to feed my new self by my old self.. the spirit that was left… and the new me; the new life was sprouting like a plant for I Was a plant re planted as seed; and Now the new me was growing; and the child in me under God was taking care of me… and I begin to grow… And grow I did or have. . I am now a complete plant outside in the sun growing… I am not complete yet; but I am showing signs of being completely beyond the past life that died. The spirit of who I was is under Gods control now; and that spirit is the one who feeds me and pours water from the cistern on me daily. . I am now stretching my new arms and legs and body as I wake up… I am slowly shedding the past memories and limitations of the past life the still linger as past aberrations or trapped ghost thoughts. . What do I remember; I remember the house I lived in as a child and those experiences up to 9 years old; Anything else does not exist as legitimate; it is all death… And God has me now; God has taken a hold of me during those times and is in control of my body and mind of that time; protecting me; working with me as I was dying away. I was being twisted and destroyed by evil on every front. I had no protection. However; After falling asleep; God came in and took over… . And I am here now; slowly waking up; but not true; Ive already awakened. And Now Im slowly getting used to this new life. . Its not easy; but the spiritual renaissance occuring in me is purely of a depth of magic… . NOTE: It is uncomfortable going through this; terrifying. Im being reborn as a plant and grown; and the past is gone… So; nothing is easy here… . My trust in God is back again as if Im a little kid.. So I depend on God again; and am slowly getting inline with God again; and I depend on God as his son… His small child son. God is my Mother and my Father. And I am back under Gods care again and under God and God is in control. And from here my life is developing again. . The real me; the inner child has been re-birthed under God; God is my Mother and Father… And this new Mother and Father are taking care of me this time. . So; the deeper part of me is present again in reality; slowly learning cautiously… as this part of me is present; I deal with the reality of real in my present situation… . I have goals… . One of those goals is a girlfriend; for I have never had one… All of that time period I was dying…... [ Continued ] |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Tue Mar 11, 2025 10:54 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | In through the Vortex |
Try, scrape, crawl, push, beg God; Starting at ground zero…. Ill do anything….. . As the Song claims… “ It aint me; Im not the wealthy mans son I didn’t come from no senator, I don’t have a room in the rich mans house. I believe in my country… . I start at the beginning just like any Hero in the video game; Im the same way… I am that Hero; and that hero in the game; Hes usually a gungHo lively young Knight heading forth to make his fortune in the land… He starts out with nothing but his wits and hopefully half a brain with God on his side and his Grama’s Values; Kings Quest, a Knights Quest… and their it is… . A Knights Quest; and thats what Im on! . What is this looking like; A children's tale from the Middle Ages. Ive read a few stories from the middle ages… A Few tales… Several of them about a Knight seeking out to find their fortune and life out into the world. And that is what I am doing; its the same… . God is preparing me. And this is what Im learning. Ill, dig, crawl, fight legally, push, pull, plead with God on my knees, Scrape. Climb. Try! Ill try; Ill do anything… Ill try to show up; trying for someone starting out at zero; is better then nothing; and everything is better then nothing and should be given credit. The starter at ground zero does everything; they don’t have society standards; they are forced to attempt, to try, to maybe connect if that is all they can give; anything is good… thats the fight of those in desperation; they have no rules; they must fight for what they want and hopefully; they will actually believe in it not do it out of fear… instead; after the fear; they will want to do it... see some value in it. . Im in this place of earning my way past the smaller nonsense of life; in life; Im seeing a deeper clear picture… However; I start out at ground zero like everyone else; This is my first time starting out in life; Really starting out; and Im at ground zero but I have a wonderful attitude attempt; Hopefully with enough spiritual protection I can keep it. I have a rock’n attitude and acceptance concerning starting out. . NOTE; Ive been this far before? No; but kind of; when I was young; but without GOd and proper direction.. and I ended up crushed and destroyed before I got started; I had no one. and no one on my side; I was completely alone; I never made it... I was fillet’d the first wrong move out in society. I reeled back in confusion. I was rejected; not accepted. Its as if I had gone from a TV world that always accepted people; from that; to no family; no house; nothing… and then the outside world where I was not accepted… I was walled off. . It looks like I just might get their this time; self actualize into that Knight that seeks his rightful place at the Round table. And Ill work for every square inch of it… The Journey; And its all under God… . If I work for it it will materialize. What am I going to work to get; to scrape and fight and crawl and plead and work with God; what do I want. I want that girlfriend; that is actually a friend who is sent by God… who already knows God. I want Money; House. . What do I want; I want a great attitude toward cars and car insurance and maintenance… I want to go deeper when it comes to cars; deeper spiritually so I appreciate cars and having one. I want to grow up during that period of teen years I missed and before in the adolescence years; where I was scarred to death. Or the death out of me… . I want to go so deep; I know Im on my own and no one owes me anything nor as to. They don’t have to; This trip is between me and God; this car thing. Its up to me to go deeper with God; meaning; Im not God; God is God; and work with God getting rid of the resentments and in the end; believing Im going to get a car. That is all the goal I need concerning this subject; Just to believe Im going to get a car. For this to happ... [ Continued ] |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Sat Mar 08, 2025 8:41 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Im now at a place of learning about Trust |
Trust . Im now at a place of learning about Trust. Im at this place of learning how to Trust God. Im at this place of learning how to Trust women; and I do not know how! Im at this place of Faith How do I trust myself and have faith. Ive not been good at deciphering anyone or anything. I realize Ive been around the wrong people. If I find myself around the wrong people what do I do… I have to learn to have a base with God… . When I venture out; I have no idea; I don’t know who to Trust or how to win out there… I don’t know… I don’t trust anyone… Ive never been enough for anyone. No one has valued me for being myself as I am; its never happened. Maybe once I think when I was younger; but even that person; if I did not have a future financially; they would have been gone at some point. So; Its all very strange; Im assuming I was suppose to have a wife and a family… Ill have to go through God… I almost feel like; What did I do to deserve this? Everything is a dead end. Its literally like a dead end; I just end up nowhere. . I have no interest in people who have no interest in me. And that is all Ive found. . Im a nice guy; I can be trusted; Sure Im liked people some people; Those that cant be trusted like everything about me… . Im looking for those that are like me; that can be trusted… It just seems to hard all of this; over n over n over n over n over n over n over… . Ill go to God. And work with God. Ive been here before… . The people Ive ended up with; its just horrific… Nothing could have prepared me for those nightmares of those monsters; over n over n over; Unbelievable. How did those type of people find me or ever find themselves around me; and their was no one else around me; Nothing. . I remember only once being with a nice girl; But I could not imagine that if she truly knew who I was; the trouble Ive seen; that she would have ever stayed more then a day; She would have waited and gone out with some guy sure to bring me the money or be in professional positions. SO; I would say; God never sent her. . So; Im looking for those people God is sending me. Thus; Only choice is to stick with God and work through God… I feel like the concept in the Bible that states something about the idea of a lovely Doe or a wife; Someone lied. Their has never been anyone like this for me ever; Ive never met anyone like this? . The people Ive met are not people; they were worthless scumbags; and Im worried that I did not know why I attracted them; but I have an idea; I was at the bottom of the barrel and didn’t know it… And that is the problem. So; the question is; How do I get to where higher quality people exist and become that level in society. . Im not really around the right people; I have never been. No one has ever seen my worth or accepted me; Nothing. . SO; I will turn to God and work with God; what choice do I have. . This is a hard one. . Ive heard that its not men that divorce; its women; they divorce because they get bored or theirs not enough resources. Ive never heard of anyone who actually likes each other or women marrying someone because they actually found a decent person that liked them. I get the impression its more about the thrills; Women find someone that is thrilling and they fall for that… . Men fall in love with women; Women fall in love with the life style a mans money can bring them; They do not love anything. That truly is what Ive seen. . What scares me; Ive never attracted anyone that liked me for me; for who I am. In my world; I would never even talk to someone that didn’t have my best interests at heart. Now; I cant even find anyone. Its like I live on a planet of aliens… Im from one planet; they are from another; its like being around a bunch of corrupt people. Should I become corrupt because others are; and that way Ill fit in; No Thanks. . All I can do is trust on God; and l... [ Continued ] |
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